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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Passive aggressive posts about mental health - AIBU to think "I'm done with you"?

36 replies

YourFinestPantaloons · 11/10/2021 15:48

I have a friend who has had some very complex MH issues over the years and a few years ago attempted suicide. She's very open on social media about her struggles, but lately I've been thinking I just want to at least have a break from her.

I've supported her for years, meeting up regularly (until COVID put a stop to that for a while!), being there on the other end of a phone any time of day etc, helping her get in touch with charities and organisations who could help her.

A few years ago I split with now exH. I went through a totally shit time MH-wise. I had to make a new life for myself and start afresh and when I tried to reach out to her, thinking maybe she'd be a good friend to talk to having been through MH herself. She brought every conversation back to herself, every single time, and never once asked after me and how I was doing. She was only disappointed that I didn't have the time for her I used to. I let it go because, having lived with my exH who had MH issues too, I know that having depression and certain etc can often go hand in hand with being quite self absorbed (sorry but that's the truth and anyone whose lived with a person with MH issues will know).

Anyway, I've had a rough week this last week. About to finalise divorce to find that exH has fudged his SE books in an attempt to reduce maintenance and has made unfounded claims about me (such as cheating, when actually I found him cheating with a girl 20 years younger than him!) which has enraged me and put divorce proceedings back. He's also looking to reduce contact time with the kids. He only sees them EOW as it is. This is basically because he's found out I'm in a new relationship! I'm also having a tough time at work (teacher) with a horrible colleague. And between a busy life with two kids - football lessons, music lessons, illnesses, homework, parties etc - I've not had a spare minute. Well I have, and I've used it to enjoy a glass of wine and some TV on an evening for an hour. Sled care and all that!

So I haven't checked in with my friend, and yesterday she put a post on FB about how not a single friend has contacted her for a whole week, and how hard it is to suffer depression when you have so little support around you. Today, it's a passive aggressive post about World Mental Health day, how nobody really cares they just pay lip service and put memes on Facebook but if they cared they'd reach out, and they don't.

What annoys me is that she has a wonderful wife, amazingly supportive parents who live next door and a sister round the corner who all provide intensive support to her. My mum lives abroad, siblings live elsewhere, single mum and my dad is dead. I've had to deal with a hell of a lot alone and I only wish I had half the support she does. I really CBA with this being a one way friendship anymore, and don't feel I can provide her the support she clearly needs. In fact I don't think the support she needs - aka a person at her beck and call 100% of the time saying all the perfect things she wants to hear, even exists.

WIBU - for now, at least - to go NC?

OP posts:
TractorAndHeadphones · 11/10/2021 15:52

YANBU OP.
What about your MH?

Auntycorruption · 11/10/2021 15:53

YANBU

Self care takes many forms and sometimes we have to protect ourselves from others.

I have a similar situation with a friend. Supported her deeply through having small children, toxic family, divorce, house moves etc. Now I have small children and a very ill DH I barely hear from her. And when I do it's still raw upset about her divorce. It hurts, it really hurts. I have no advice other than distance does help. I've now moved to a situation where she is incidental to my life & weekly plans, whereas for a long time she was a fundamental part of them. I don't know how she feels about it or if she's even noticed.

gamerchick · 11/10/2021 15:56

Just mute her for a month on SM and ignore her passive aggressive stuff.

I have a friend like that, constantly moaned nobody checked in on her when the fact was she was the most supported friend out the lot of us. What she wanted was people on tap, calling constantly and it's just not sustainable. Depression is selfish and neverending. Sometimes you just need a break from it, especially when you have your own shit going on.

CorrBlimeyGG · 11/10/2021 15:57

You're not being unreasonable to distance from your exhausting friend.

You are very unreasonable and pretty dickish to suggest people with depression are self absorbed. People with depression and other mental illness are all unique, some will be self absorbed, some entirely selfless, some judgmental and ignorant and so on.

Squirrelblanket · 11/10/2021 15:57

No you are not unreasonable. I know someone like this and it's exhausting.

QuestionNumberOne · 11/10/2021 15:58

YANBU. She adds nothing to your life.

Good luck pushing through this tricky bit - things will resolve and settle down. Hang in there Brew

Original poster
YourFinestPantaloons · 11/10/2021 16:00

My experience is that people with these kind of MH issues are self absorbed, can provide little in the way of support to others, and can be quite unpleasant to others - all as a symptom of their illness. It's not a criticism, it's the stark truth, and it's not always their fault. And a lot of people who support partners with MH issues put up with so much shit and I'm sick of it being that if you don't do it with a big supportive smile on your face you're 'dickish' Hmm

OP posts:
colouringindoors · 11/10/2021 16:07

YADNBU Time to prioritise yourself now. Flowers

TheChiefJo · 11/10/2021 16:14

YANBU, look after yourself and your DC first. You've been a good friend by the sounds of it, but now you need to be your own priority. Just ignore anything that isn't addressed to you on SM. Passive aggressive stuff on SM is irritating but totally ignorable.

2bazookas · 11/10/2021 16:18

You know by now that you can't fix her life. Just leave her to it, step back and get on with your own life.

There is no need to tell her or explain.

TheWinterSmoulder · 11/10/2021 16:28

As someone with depression I can assure pp that I’m pretty awful when in the middle of an acute episode. It means I’m in a virtual glass box looking out at the world, no one is in with me. I’m focused internally, I can’t judge what’s important or not, I have reduced empathy so I can watch plants die, house get messy, DP get tired and stressed and I don’t react. I also seek validation by making these kind of ‘I’m worthless’ statements. It’s well known as an effect of depression and it’s why carers need to be very firm about looking after themselves first.

OP best is to grey rock and ignore, or if you must reply just say ‘I’m sorry to hear you feel unsupported just now.’ No more. If she’s depressed no amount of external validation will really help because her judgement is screwed up just now. You are too vulnerable at the moment to cope with her illness unscathed. Look after your health first. 💐 you are so far from ‘dickish’.

PaperhouseLegs · 11/10/2021 16:29

Unfollow.
You've been there for her, now you need to make time for yourself. She clearly isn't going to reciprocate. I've had a very similar situation with a (former?) male friend who suffers from depression. I was an ear for years, gave advice, checked in frequently and really made an effort. When I was struggling, he wasn't seen for dust. When he did get in contact all conversation would be immediately about him and his needs and what I could do for him. I ended up dreading talking to him and eased away. It really wasn't healthy for me at all.

Mummyratbag · 11/10/2021 16:29

I hear you, it's exhausting. I'm going through something similar and I came across a saying today that resonated - "You don't have to rip yourself apart keeping someone else whole"... I struggle with walking away, but I may have to for my own mental health. If you have to, then you have to. You are important too.

Mrsjayy · 11/10/2021 16:34

Sometimes people just don't know how to support others its just a sad fact its such a shame this "friend" won't support you hide her on social media be busy if she contacts you with any woes if you don't want to deal with her,

Tal45 · 11/10/2021 16:38

Do what you need to do for you. Just unfollow her and concentrate on your life for now.

Mrsjayy · 11/10/2021 16:39

Does her wife not see all her posts?

leavesthataregreen · 11/10/2021 16:42

@YourFinestPantaloons

My experience is that people with these kind of MH issues are self absorbed, can provide little in the way of support to others, and can be quite unpleasant to others - all as a symptom of their illness. It's not a criticism, it's the stark truth, and it's not always their fault. And a lot of people who support partners with MH issues put up with so much shit and I'm sick of it being that if you don't do it with a big supportive smile on your face you're 'dickish' Hmm
I think you are being overly generous here. I spent my childhood caring for a parent with MH issues and then my twenties caring for a suicidal friend, whose episodes weirdly always coincided with me having a job interview/starting work/meeting a new man. In the end I ditched her and realised that I too had severe MH issues that had been left unattended all my life because I was so busy caring for others.

You have been in the role of rescuer (look up the Karpman triangle). It sounds a bit cliched but rescue yourself instead. Spend all that time and sympathy and attention on self care. It will do you the world of good.

Acheyknees · 11/10/2021 16:46

I'd reply to her post saying 'it's sad isn't it, no one has rang me in the past week either'

WorraLiberty · 11/10/2021 16:48

People put that passive aggressive shit on Facebook all the time, so YABU to assume it's directed at you personally.

YABU too for not understanding (despite claiming you do), that some mentally ill people just can't cope with another person's mental health problems.

YWNBU to mute her though.

godmum56 · 11/10/2021 16:52

you can only do what you can do....and trashing your own mental health won't help anybody....so yeah I'd mute for a while.

thelastgoldeneagle · 11/10/2021 16:54

Mute her for a month on social media. If at the end of the month you haven't missed her, mute her again and keep going!

She sounds horribly selfish and self-absorbed.

RobertsRadio · 11/10/2021 16:56

Unfollow her, she is not your friend, she adds nothing of value to your life, she will just continue to take and take and take, but give nothing back. Ditch her.

Sorry about your STXH being a lying arse and the divorce being delayed.

Moonface123 · 11/10/2021 16:57

Like you l have had to delve very deep and learn how best to look after myself. .
I have worked enormously hard on my anxiety, panic attacks and way of thinking, it has taken years and I'm still doing the work, it an on going process.
Because l have a very emphatic nature l seem to attract people who use me as their personal counsellor, yet it's always a one way street.
I have had to draw a line under a couple of friendships as l felt completely drained after being in their company, l found them to be utterly self absorbed and they showed no willingness to help themselves.
These types of friendships aren't healthy.

TheOrigRights · 11/10/2021 17:00

YANBU.
One of the way one of my friend's MH issue manifest themselves is to be very, very selfish.
I love her dearly, but I am NOT always there for her and will not excuse some of her behaviour towards me.

I am also a person with feelings and sometimes need support, too.
I don't go to her, I am fortunate to have other people to lean on.

It's very one way and I do what I can.

Lindy2 · 11/10/2021 17:09

The more you give some people the more they want.

Sometimes you need to know when to step back before you're completely drained.

You have an awful lot on your plate already to deal with. You need to make sure you try and make some time for yourself and this friendship doesn't sound like it's going to help you do that. A good friendship is fun and seeing a friend to catch up should be part of you making time for you to do something nice.