AIBU to want a lie detector test

[sunnyblueskies]

Good morning!

Yes I am well aware this sounds like an episode of Jeremy Kyle. I can assure you we do not live our day to day lives like this!

On the weekend my partner told a white lie. I think it’s a big deal because of the lies surrounding it to make the lie more believable. I know why he lied (because he didn’t want me to have a go at him) But he’s 38. Old enough to know better.

We have two children and he’s a fab hard working loving dad and apart from the white lies he’s a good partner. I have caught him on a couple of occasions telling white lies. They aren’t big but I have trust issues so they build up and my mind goes crazy.
Since the weekend i’ve had HUGE anxiety over this lie. I wake up feeling sick, sweaty and a racing heart because i’m now convinced he must’ve cheated (totally unrelated to the lie) Because of how easily he lied, it makes me think surely he can cheat and lie. Therefore he must have cheated.

I’ve never had reason to think he’s cheated. The white lies just lead me to believe he could therefore tell bigger lies.

He’s a good looking guy and could easily have the pick of the ladies. So now i’m convinced he’s cheated. Again the lies he’s ever told haven’t been related to cheating or women or anything like that.

He’s said do a lie detector test. Now I want to do one and part of me thinks he’s bluffing in the hope I will say “oh no let’s not” but i’m tempted.
I want to do it for my peace of mind but also i’m worried if I do it and he passes i’ll feel awful and we will have ruined the relationship.

I don’t want to leave him but if he’s done the dirty then obviously I want to! I’m really struggling at the mo and need advice. xx

You don’t need a lie detector test, you need therapy to help you overcome your trust issues and anxiety surrounding them. They aren’t things your partner can fix by jumping through hoops to convince you he’s faithful, and that’s a toxic way to live anyway.

He was obviously wrong to lie, but you’re taking this too far and you’re expecting him to solve issues which are yours. You have to take responsibility for the way you behave and take steps to fix the behaviour.

That’s verging on insane. If there ‘has’ to be a lie detector test the relationship is finished, no matter the background.

YABU. A lie detector test won’t prove anything; they’re notoriously inaccurate and if you need them to feel better about your relationship then you have bigger problems.

@HoppingPavlova

That’s verging on insane. If there ‘has’ to be a lie detector test the relationship is finished, no matter the background.

☝️☝️☝️ This.

You may as well leave if you're at this point.

This is madness. You don't need a lie detector test, you need therapy.

What sort of white lie was it that has induced this reaction in you?

You need help with the trust issues. I don’t mean to sound harsh but you’ve taken it so far out of proportion you’ve lost sight of reality.

Lie detectors aren't 100% anyway - I'm sure if you agreed and he did one, if he passed it you'd be finding ways to not believe the results too - the way you're thinking isn't logical, because it's the result of either jealousy or perhaps some other background issues.

I would suggest speaking to someone with experience in relationships / mental health, this isn't good to be thinking this way.

If you're feeling this anxious over a small white lie then a lie detector won't resolve it anyway.

If he passed it then you'll worry next time he is out and want him to do another then another.

If you don't trust him, leave, it's the fairest thing for you both.

Your relationship has unfortunately run its course if its got to this stage.

I can see why he lied actually… wanted to avoid massive drama.

he’s a fab hard working loving dad and apart from the white lies he’s a good partner. I have caught him on a couple of occasions telling white lies. They aren’t big but I have trust issues so they build up and my mind goes crazy

There are so many mis-steps here. A good partner isn't an objective thing. Amongst many other things, one important aspect of a good partner is that you feel you can trust them.

If you don't feel you can trust your partner, the relationship is never going to be healthy or happy, regardless of whether the mistrust is caused by your issues or his lying.

If you have trust issues, then you need to take care of yourself by recognising that having a lying partner will never be good for you. Healthy relationships don't have the 'My partner tells me the truth a lot of the time' feeling about them.

What lies is he telling (that you're aware of), and have you spoken to him about how you feel when he does it? If so, what did he say? If not, why not?

How the heck can anyone say if you are being unreasonable when we don't know what the white lie is?! Why do OPs leave out this info?

The lie detector is totally unreasonable and given they're not particularly accurate, and certainly not without a professional doing it, then it's pointless and tells you nothing.

I don't know what the white lies are but I don't expect adults to not tell lies we do it all the time. Sometimes it's quicker, saves someone's feelings etc..

Your reaction is over the top to the situation, agree maybe therapy to help with perspective and trust?

If you need a lie detector test to sort out your relationship then your relationship is already over.

'He could have his pick with the ladies'.

Hmm, a middle aged man who is a liar, with 2 kids and a wife at home? Unless he's a multi millionaire and looks like Daniel Craig then I think ladies of England are quite safe.

Your reaction is over the top to the situation, agree maybe therapy to help with perspective and trust

We don't know that OP's reaction is over the top until we know what the lies are.

eg if he's telling her he's ok when actually he's got a bit of a headache: yes, over the top

if he's telling her he works until 3am at his office job on Friday nights and he smells of perfume when he gets in: not over the top.

If OP has trust issues, her perception of what a 'white lie' is will be skewed. She may minimise more serious lies, because she's trying to put the blame on herself.

OP, what has he lied to you about? It's hard for anybody to respond accurately without knowing this.

Whatever the lie was about, a lie detector isn't the answer. They're notoriously unreliable - which is why they have no legal standing.

And on top of the inherent reliability issues, some people find them very easy to game - usually people who are quite used to lying, so don't biologically react to it. If your DH lies a lot, he may well be the same.

So you'd have a lie detector, not know if you could trust the result, and be no further forward.

My instinct is that if you need any level of "proof", this is over... but even if you disagree, a lie detector is not the answer.

Lie detector
Plus
Strong and loving and enduring relationship

Nah
Not a combination you will EVER see

@theFoundations a white lie by definition is unimportant and designed to not hurt someones feelings. Totally agree with your scenarios though, those would definitely matter!

OP, feelings aren't facts. Just because you think something does not mean it is real. Do you need a lot of reassurance all the time?
And where would you get a lie detector test anyway??

Jesus, this all seems very dramatic.

If he told a 'white lie' because he didn't want you to kick off maybe you need to think about your behaviour and personality. You must be unreasonable if the truth makes him worried to tell you the truth.

What was this 'white lie'?

You've caught him out lying, I'm pretty sure if he has been caught a few times he is a rubbish liar and youd have caught him cheating if he had.

Also most women would want someone decent rather than a good looking liar so I don't think people are falling over themselves to sleep with him.

You both need to work on why he lies and what he is going to do about it

You will never find peace in a relationship with someone who constantly tells white lies.

Get out of there.