Very unusual situation with STBXH

[peachypresley]

I am in a very unusual situation.
I have started divorce proceedings against stbxh.
But because it takes forever, and he is the most difficult person I’ve encountered, we have not reached a financial remedy yet. Solicitor said it could take 1-2 years.
So, even though he’s moved away to a Scotland where he has his own place (I am in the south), he comes to visit dc and stays in the house. DC have also visited him. Legally he is allowed to do so, and I have been advised I cannot stop him until orders are made.
He says I am unreasonable for not being okay with this? I can't help but feel he is the unreasonable one, who's ex does this?!
We went to mediation, the mediator advised him to stay in his own air bnb locally, he said no, it’s my house so I will stay there whenever I want. Mediator tried their best, but got nowhere, he also said she can’t see that she’s making a mistake, so I need to stay present to convince her that she is, she will never find a man like me, she is selfish for breaking the family up.
I find it absolutely unbearable when he is here. He still refers to me as his wife, and says darling, when I ask him not to he says things like, I love and care about you I can’t help it. He still buys flowers, and acts as if nothing is wrong, he doesn’t touch me though of course, and would never try to. He sleeps in youngest dc’s room who is always upset when he leaves because of getting used to having someone in the room, which is then very hard.
He does very subtle things to annoy me, I then question him, he denies or minimises them, like taking my car when I need to leave for work, saying he didn’t realise the time, and had to nip to the shops. This ends up in argument, mainly me shouting at him, he stays silent, but loudly says things like this is why I moved away because of how you treat me. When it is me who is actually divorcing him, he didn’t even respond to the petition refusing to engage in the legal process. I feel like he’s doing this to make me look bad in front of dc, I always explain to them what’s going on.
I know I can leave the house and go away when he comes, but he stays so long, never confirms his dates, sometimes it’s 2 weeks, and I do the school runs. It’s impossible to plan. In summer he stayed 6 weeks!
I can’t afford to leave the home and get a rental where it would be MY house and this wouldn’t happen. He knows that too. I can only afford to do that once/if the house is sold, which is what he wants, but my solicitor has asked the court that I be allowed to stay with 2 dc until they are adults, two are teenagers, one is junior primary.
I don’t know how to cope with this, has anybody been through anything similar, and have any advice?

Can you speak to your solicitor about getting an occupaton order to exclude him from the property?

@Toomanyradishes I have done this, I don't meet the criteria to be granted an occupation order sadly. Thank you for the suggestion though.

He has also left tons of his stuff in the house, and says it's allowed to be here, lots to things that are not ever used by him, just left in the way,

Is he paying towards the mortgage?

He is completely unreasonable, and I think you might need a different solicitor. Since he will not co-operate with mediation, you need to go straight to court.

Do you know what you want? Do you want to stay in the house, or sell it and split the equity?

Does your solicitor actually have experience of Occupation Orders in situations of non physical abuse?
Not all solicitors are good, and even the good ones aren’t always fully experienced.
I would speak to Women’s Aid.
I’d also document EVERYTHING you can remember - the taking of your car is a nice concrete one.
I’m not an expert in this area at all, so not trying to get your hopes up. But I have had wrong advice from a solicitor and know others who have too.
It’s definitely worth asking WA if they have a recommendation for solicitors with experience of working with abusive relationship divorces.

Get some headphones. Wear them when he is there... Get a lock box and stash all your paperwork away. Lock on your bedroom door. Treat yourself to some new books. Embrace some you time.

Speak to national domestic helpline about the occupation order. He is using it to control you. The flowers etc is stalkery etc.

Also he doesn't have the right to non-fixed contact. Perhaps you can thwart him by refusing contact because he doesn't give sufficient notice etc - try and take some control back.

If you leave the home due to abuse (and it is emotional abuse) you can claim the housing element of UC in order to rent because you can evidence that you are proceeding with the divorce and property sale.

@MattHancocksSexTape yes he is paying towards the mortgage.

@Funnylittlefloozie I would like to stay in the house until dc are adults. So 9 more years, then sell, split the proceeds as agreed by the court.

@Cocomarine my solicitor says they have dealt with occupation orders before, and they are usually only granted when there is clear abuse, they think stash is very covert so never anything that obvious.

@Brollywasntneededafterall I like this idea, I feel so stuck, need to find a way to just get through this awfulness. Thank you

But if the only ones they’ve dealt with is the clear cut ones, that doesn’t make them the best solicitor to help you. I still think it’s worth talking to another solicitor - one who has applied for a OO on non physical abuse.

Also, just to say, he has all along been trying to convince me to drop this "divorce nonevent" quit my job, move to Scotland for a fresh start. To see if it helps save marriage. I would never do this, I don't love him, but find it odd that he simply won't accept its over even though we are in court. He has also said irrelevant things to the judge, like she has had a terrible childhood and because of that she doesn't understand relationships, she shouldn't be allowed a divorce. I mean wtf. Needless to say the judge was less than impressed.

Def speak to national domestic violence helpline they can help you apply for one. It's all coercive control, he's trying to use the legal process to force you to stay with him!

@RandomMess thank you so much for saying this, I have always felt controlled by him, but have never been able to put my finger on it, he seems to be so subtle, it is so hard.

Is it really not an option to sell up now and move? You would be in so much more control

@Henio I know, but I can't do that right now, as we are now in proceedings and disputing everything. I wish I could. Honestly, if I won the lottery tomorrow I would be out of this situation.

I obtained an OO and a 2 Non-Molestation orders against my Ex and I self repped. Not physical violence either - It absolutely is possible.

Box up his stuff and put it in the garage or shed.
Isn't it a shame you lost your keys and had to change the locks, too. Can't have the DC unsafe, eh

Seriously, document everything, get the paperwork safe and as wise PP have said, this is all control, coercive, financial. Stay strong, you're doing the right thing.

He has never been physically violent, he has tried to intimidate me on a few occasions but it did not work, I stood up to him, and family members stepped in to have words with him. That didn't happen again, I can't help but think that if I didn't have that he would have been violent too. But he has regularly given me the silent treatment when I've done something he doesn't agree with, like go out in the evening with girlfriends.

Evidence of emotional abuse too, that is enough to self rep and get OO especially as he already has a main residence elsewhere with sufficient room for the DC to stay.

You need therapy for the children

Stop screaming at him it makes you look like a lunatic and damages the kids further

Hide your car keys or report or stolen if the car and insurance are solely in your name give him fair warning text him saying I've told you countless times you cannot drive my car return it immediately

Get contact set properly cite children getting upset with irregular contact

Hide your car keys as well. If the car is yours he can’t take it.

Grey rock the bastard and look for another solicitor. The one you have sounds a bit too passive.

You need to push ahead with the settlement. What grounds are you divorcing on, are you waiting for 2 years otherwise there's no reason it would take so long. I do think you need to sell though because you are tied to him so closely otherwise

@gogohm I filed on unreasonable behaviour, the examples were things he admitted he had done. He has been so obstructive, ignores dates, cancelled mediation, doesn't turn up, has a migraine, then turns up, takes ages to provide any documents. Hence the solicitor said it could take ages, its already a year since he was first served the papers. If I sell during the proceedings, I can't afford to buy, I am on a low income, he earns 8 times what I earn. In fact we don't even know his earnings yet...