Very unusual situation with STBXH

[peachypresley]

I am in a very unusual situation.
I have started divorce proceedings against stbxh.
But because it takes forever, and he is the most difficult person I’ve encountered, we have not reached a financial remedy yet. Solicitor said it could take 1-2 years.
So, even though he’s moved away to a Scotland where he has his own place (I am in the south), he comes to visit dc and stays in the house. DC have also visited him. Legally he is allowed to do so, and I have been advised I cannot stop him until orders are made.
He says I am unreasonable for not being okay with this? I can't help but feel he is the unreasonable one, who's ex does this?!
We went to mediation, the mediator advised him to stay in his own air bnb locally, he said no, it’s my house so I will stay there whenever I want. Mediator tried their best, but got nowhere, he also said she can’t see that she’s making a mistake, so I need to stay present to convince her that she is, she will never find a man like me, she is selfish for breaking the family up.
I find it absolutely unbearable when he is here. He still refers to me as his wife, and says darling, when I ask him not to he says things like, I love and care about you I can’t help it. He still buys flowers, and acts as if nothing is wrong, he doesn’t touch me though of course, and would never try to. He sleeps in youngest dc’s room who is always upset when he leaves because of getting used to having someone in the room, which is then very hard.
He does very subtle things to annoy me, I then question him, he denies or minimises them, like taking my car when I need to leave for work, saying he didn’t realise the time, and had to nip to the shops. This ends up in argument, mainly me shouting at him, he stays silent, but loudly says things like this is why I moved away because of how you treat me. When it is me who is actually divorcing him, he didn’t even respond to the petition refusing to engage in the legal process. I feel like he’s doing this to make me look bad in front of dc, I always explain to them what’s going on.
I know I can leave the house and go away when he comes, but he stays so long, never confirms his dates, sometimes it’s 2 weeks, and I do the school runs. It’s impossible to plan. In summer he stayed 6 weeks!
I can’t afford to leave the home and get a rental where it would be MY house and this wouldn’t happen. He knows that too. I can only afford to do that once/if the house is sold, which is what he wants, but my solicitor has asked the court that I be allowed to stay with 2 dc until they are adults, two are teenagers, one is junior primary.
I don’t know how to cope with this, has anybody been through anything similar, and have any advice?

With the way he behaves when you argue, I would be concerned he is recording your reactions!

Definitely change lawyers. You need a pitbull.

The National Domestic Abuse helpline are very expert in cases of emotional abuse and co-ercion. Likewise Rights of Women. Links here:

www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk
rightsofwomen.org.uk

All more evidence of his abuse and why an OO is needed.

Please ring the helpline tomorrow.

You need a new lawyer. Pronto.

I agree, try a diff solicitor. Call women’s aid too

Calling Women's Aid was the best thing I ever did. I'm only sorry I hadn't done it sooner and not wasted thousands and thousands of Euro on solicitors and barristers! In fact I had to change solicitors after my legal separation as my ex husband started suing the first lot of solicitors I had! He also used to appear back in the house after he moved out. I started crying after the Women's Aid lady said he was still abusing me through the courts system. Granted this is in a different country to where you are op but WA will have come across all kinds of situations including ones like yours and will be able to advise you accordingly.

If it is your car you can report to police as twocing.

You need better legal advice
I used BeckFitzgerald
They are women ran and are very understanding around abuse and coercive control

He can’t do this ! He’s just bullying his way through

I'd be wary of taking advice from well meaning strangers on the internet. Your solicitor will have a better idea of the circumstances in which the court might make an occupation order

Good idea to take him off the car insurance, assuming the car is registered in your name

And even if he's entitled to stay in the house, could that be time limited and / or he has to give adequate notice?

Could you agree that you pay the mortgage short term in exchange for him agreeing to stay elsewhere during contact visits?

The problem is that he still pays towards the mortgage. Does he pay maintenance? If so, can you use this to pay the whole mortgage? You would need too if you get the order to stay. How will you pay it then?

Do you work FT?

The it way to get rid of him is to stop being financially dependent on him.

Try these other options re coercive control and solicitors. And in the interim
Put a lock on the bedroom door and get something like this for important docs and perhaps car keys, presumably he doesn’t have his own key anymore?
Put the dc to bed and retreat to your room as much as possible on evenings when he’s here (or go out of course, leaving your room locked). Tell him your room is off limits and call the police if he comes into it and doesn’t leave, it will be good building of evidence for the occupation order.
Pack up any of his things that are very visible or in the way, there’s no requirement they be left in their exact spot. Possibly video yourself packing them to cover yourself.

Him paying the mortgage does not prevent the op applying for an OO. I hope she has already rang the helplines to get the ball rolling.