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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do I get involved?

28 replies

Sunshinealligator · 10/10/2021 20:34

I'm not sure what do to, so I'm hoping that people can help me clear up what's the most reasonable thing to do.

It's about my dad has some mental health issues, and chooses to live in squalor. I've helped, I've cleaned, I've offered to arrange cleaners, I've given a lot more help than I should have.

He wasn't around when I was growing up, because of his alcoholism, and given the opportunity to be a grandfather has been just as much as a let down. He has consistently shown himself to be very selfish, including when he has animals.

He recently got some polecats. I'd discussed with him cleaning his home before they come. He also hoards so I was thinking of the polecats safety, that they might get trapped somewhere or eat something damaging to them.
He never did this. He started to complain that they were shitting all over the flat, and noisy and he was going to get rid of them. Then they went missing. He hadn't been out, didn't have any windows open but one went missing then the other went 2 days later. It took him a week to look for them. Thing is, he's convinced there must be a hole in a wall they got out of, I'm more concerned that they've got stuck somewhere in his piles of stuff and possibly died. There aren't any holes.

So 3 weeks on, he hasn't made any real efforts to find out how they got out, he has decided that he's going to try and rescue some new polecats.

I think its entirely irresponsible. He is of the view that he deserves to have some nice little pets to keep him company. I'm of the view that he is too selfish to have pets, and does not take the responsibility that they deserve as animals reliant on him entirely.

I think I'm letting some of my personal feelings toward him as a father and grandfather colour this, but at the same time if I just sit back and allow this to go ahead, it's my fault if the replacements end up in any sort of danger.

Am I unreasonable to contact the rescue centre and tell them ? It feels really nasty, but I just can't believe he's of the view that he deserves to replace these animals, without even a thought of what happened to the old ones.

I don't know what to do for the best. On one hand I feel like the replacements will be in danger if he has them, and on the other, If I do tell the rescue place, chances are he won't be getting them.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 10/10/2021 20:37

I would call the rescue and adult protective services as well, without hesitation.

tealandteal · 10/10/2021 20:38

Are you sure he got polecats and not ferrets? If they are missing in his house they are known for chewing wires (ferrets). Surely the rescue will ask what happened to the last ones?

LaurieFairyCake · 10/10/2021 20:39

Of course you should tell the rescue

He got pets and allowed them to die or escape !

He's possibly the worst pet owner ever..

Original poster

Sunshinealligator · 10/10/2021 20:43

@tealandteal

Are you sure he got polecats and not ferrets? If they are missing in his house they are known for chewing wires (ferrets). Surely the rescue will ask what happened to the last ones?

To be honest, I'm not entirely sure, he uses the term polecat; then ferret and I have no idea which is which.

The problem is, in his own mind he is a great pet owner. I'm concerned he could convince them that he would be ok, unless they do a home check- then it will all be put to an end quite quickly.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sunshinealligator · 10/10/2021 20:45

@Aquamarine1029

I would call the rescue and adult protective services as well, without hesitation.

I did actually call Social services last year. He didn't quite meet their threshold for involvement, however the council are now starting to get involved given that their engineers refuse to do work in his property because of the state of it- its really that bad.

OP posts:

pilates · 10/10/2021 20:46

Yes please do ASAP

tealandteal · 10/10/2021 20:54

I don’t know much about polecats, I’m not sure they are common pets. “Polecat” is a colour/marking of ferret, like albino is. Ferrets are generally very tidy and clean, they usually have a spot to use the toilet which would be easy to identify by smell if you want to try to find the originals. I would definitely report this to the rescue although I would be surprised if him asking for more didn’t raise some flags with them.

TrainspottingWelsh · 10/10/2021 21:03

How is this even a question? He's neglected pets before, likely to the point of killing the last through his lack of care, and you're not sure whether you should try your best to prevent more animals suffering the same fate?

Original poster

Sunshinealligator · 10/10/2021 21:11

@TrainspottingWelsh

It's a question like anything else is with him. Hes quite certain that he is always in the right and justified in his actions, which I feel I also am in this situation.

I can't see how asking for people's opinions on my POV is that bad in this scenario.

Some of us sometimes need to know that what we're doing is right because I am also aware that I don't have a very high opinion of him myself. I don't want to cause harm to anyone

OP posts:

GlitteryUnicornSparkles · 10/10/2021 21:32

Did the rescue not home check before allowing him to take the animals? Surely he should have failed it if they did? If you know for sure where he's getting them from then I don’t think it would be unreasonable to have a word with them in the circumstances.

GlitteryUnicornSparkles · 10/10/2021 21:59

@tealandteal

This isn’t quite correct. Whilst ferrets can come in very similar colours to Polecats and may be referred to as having polecat colouring, they are in-fact two different species. Whilst polecats and ferrets are very closely related and can interbreed to produce fertile offspring in the same way as wolves and domestic dogs can they are not quite the same. Polecats are generally wild animals whereas ferrets are their domesticated descendants (again think dog/wolf). Polecats have larger heads, standard colouring with specific facial markings not seen in domestic ferrets and slightly different DNA to ferrets. I would therefore imagine that these are most likely ‘polecat coloured’ ferrets.

Stompythedinosaur · 10/10/2021 22:15

I wiukd tell the rescue. Poor animals.

I personally dont think you owe him anything.

tealandteal · 11/10/2021 13:07

Yes polecats and ferrets are different, but “polecat” is also used as a way to describe a colouration of ferret. You might say “this is my polecat jill (girl) and albino hob (boy)”.

BobbiPinsOn · 11/10/2021 13:10

Rescue service, FAST

ApolloandDaphne · 11/10/2021 13:11

If you know where he is getting them from then I would let them know.

Original poster

Sunshinealligator · 11/10/2021 14:38

Thank you all for your advice, I sent them a message earlier, I went into detail about my dad's general lifestyle and mental health situation, and the situation with his previous polecat/ferrets and my concerns if he is to get more that they will ultimately face the same fate as the previous ones because he hasn't addressed what happened to the old ones.

I did advise that if they visit his home they will realise that not only is he unable to take care of himself, but any animal that he is trying to gain as a pet.

I feel terrible having sent that message, but he really is very irresponsible and not able to think past his own needs.

If the message is relayed to him he will know its come frome and there will be hell to pay, but atleast this way they are warned and will hopefully pay some attention.

Thanks again, with my dad it's a constant fight against what is right for others and what he wants.

OP posts:

Looubylou · 11/10/2021 15:47

Don't feel guilty OP, you have absolutely done the right thing

Wannakisstheteacher · 11/10/2021 15:54

Jesus, those poor animals! You’ve totally done the right thing. Someone who could be bothered to actually look for a missing pet shouldn’t be getting another one - ever.

FateHasRedesignedMost · 11/10/2021 16:00

I’d focus on trying to get some mental health support for him. Hoarding is a common symptom of mental health problems and he may be very unstable and lonely, which would explain his desire to get more pets and not seem to care about the ones that disappeared.

I assume he means ferrets. If he didn’t like the last ones why is he so set on getting more? Especially when the current ones may be lost in his house somewhere (ferrets chew and if he wasn’t caring for them properly they may have escaped through the floor boards or chewed a hole into the wall cavities!) They could be miles away by now or they could be in his house chewing wires or cables and posing a fire risk!

I’d certainly let the rescue centre know what happened and why you’re concerned.

countrygirl99 · 11/10/2021 16:16

If a rescue have re-homed animals without a home check they are a pretty crap rescue.

Original poster

Sunshinealligator · 11/10/2021 16:18

@Wannakisstheteacher

Jesus, those poor animals! You’ve totally done the right thing. Someone who could be bothered to actually look for a missing pet shouldn’t be getting another one - ever.

My point of view exactly. When he told me that one had gone missing I encouraged him to look for it, but he just said, oh he will come back. He's just playing. I encouraged and encouraged. He just didn't care. I understand a week later he called a few vet clinics and asked if they had been handed in but this was without actually checking his flat properly. He eventually had his friend go around with his dog, who looked around. That sounds pretty messed up reading it myself. It's his whole dont give a fuck about anyone attitude that gets me.

I couldn't imagine my dog going missing and just being OK with not knowing where he is.

OP posts:

TokyoSushi · 11/10/2021 16:21

Oh OP, this sounds really difficult, you've absolutely done the right thing.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 11/10/2021 16:24

Absolutely you should inform the rescue.

If he does get them then you should also call the RSPCA.

Odd that they vanished after him complaining they were soiling everywhere. Are you sure he didn't abandon them outside?

Ask him why he wants to get more when he didn't like the noise or mess. Ask him why he thinks these will be different.

Original poster

Sunshinealligator · 11/10/2021 16:25

@FateHasRedesignedMost

I’d certainly let the rescue centre know what happened and why you’re concerned.

He won't accept any help. I've been there and done that with him. He's just happy to wallow in his own squalor.

He is a man who's desires I struggle to figure out. He didn't like them or the responsibility but now he's desperate to replace them. Maybe it makes him feel better on some sort of level? I dont know but I have contacted the rescue that he's talking about getting the new ones from, hopefully they will take some notice because it's a very real possibility that these animals will meet the same fate as the old ones. Not fair at all for them to be in that situation

OP posts:

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 11/10/2021 16:26

Sorry, you already did. 😁 It's the right thing to do

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