To be concerned

[Worried4545]

My boyfriend has suffered depression for years. He attempted suicide 18 months ago just before I met him.

He is in a bad place this week for various reasons. He's not seen me. He's not eating. Stressed. Pulled back. Low moods. Hard work to talk to. Usually I stay over at the weekend fir a night and we have a few evenings together. He's cancelled everyday but said last night hecwould see me today.

We arranged this morning. I was going at lunch time. I could sense in his voice he wasn't in a good place. I'll be honest I felt slightly uncomfortable and felt very aware of myself. He usually is welcoming and wasn't saying anything to make me feel he wanted me there other than we've arranged to meet.

An hour before I left he said he didn't know what to do when I got there. I double checked he still felt up to a visit. He absolutely exploded at me on the phone. Said he hates I asked him twice. Said he didn't wanna see me today now and hung up. I left it 4 hours. Got a message to thank Me for something I sent him as a gift. I said I loved him and hoped we could talk soon. He asked why we couldn't talk and that he loved me too. So I made a coffee. Rang him to see how he was now and I don't k ow what happened but he's just blown up at me again.

Said he didn't care for anyone now. He was done with everyone. He had nobody. Nobody cared. I told him I wanted to order a taxi and come now even if we don't talk. He screamed he didn't want to see me. Said nobody loved him. He was gunna be horrible to everyone from now on. I said to him you are loved by me and you have people who care for you. He screamed I always make it about me. He told me his life's fxxxed and he wanted everyone to f off. Told me I didn't seen to understand English. He kept going and going. He said everyone took advantage of him. Only wanted him for their own benefit. I told him I was one of the people not in his life for that and who wanted to be there for him. I asked if I could cook him something and I'd leave when I had dropped it off. He said the last thing he needed was me hanging off his neck.

I'm sat here in tears. I did his shopping yesterday. I've dealt with alot or stuff this last 2 months for him and he has lashed out like this. Said even his dog was annoying him. He loves that dog.

I am so scared for him. I've contacted his cousin to say I'm concerned. But I feel sick from the abuse he's just hurled at me.

I don't know what to do.

Mental health issues are no excuse to act like a cunt.
I am sorry your b/f has made you believe this is true.

He is awful to you - deliberately. His little outburst was like a toddler testing their mother with a tantrum.

Why are you still pandering to this heartless & manipulative twat?

Yeah fuck him off. I understand it being irritating that you keep asking him things rather than just doing them - like whether he wants to see you. You'd made plans, you should've just gone.

But that's absolutely no excuse to treat you the way he has. You'll be treading on eggshells constantly waiting for his next explosion for a long time now if you stay together.

I am in shock and feeling quite distressed. It's like he's changed overnight. I'm abit unsure what should be doing. I'm worried how serious this is and if he will try something stupid.

I feel like a sack of s**t right now though as I've been buying his food and things whilst he gets sorted.

It's like an angry mist has come over him.

I understand your concern. How he's treated you is horrid but he's obviously very ill at the moment and he won't be behaving rationally. It's very destructive.

What has his cousin said?

I am in shock and feeling quite distressed.

It's like he's changed overnight.

I'm abit unsure what should be doing. I'm worried how serious this is and if he will try something stupid.

I feel like a sack of st right now though as I've been buying his food and things whilst he gets sorted. It's like an angry mist has come over him.

Oh dear, I think he's now showing you exactly who he is and it's not pretty.

You said you feel like shit, you're buying things for him and from what you've said he's behaving quite despicably.

You've done the right thing in contacting his DCousin.

I think now is the time to walk away, give yourself time to recover and find someone who treats you a hell of a lot better.

Oh and I was going to do a list of pros and cons about your relationship but from what you've posted, I couldn't actually spot any pros.

Are there are

Sorry, don't know where the random bit at the bottom came from.

Is he on antidepressants ?

You've done your best, much more than most people would. Just give him some time & space now. He may realise how lovely you've been & how unreasonable he's been. But be prepared for the possibility he won't. He sounds very ill. He's saying the things I have sometimes felt like saying when people have tried to help me with MH problems. Just them trying to help has made me want to scream at them, at everyone. You've done your best, you're a good kind person. Try not to let his reactions get you down.

You can't help him OP, of course it's not his fault but he needs professional help. He's in no state to be having a relationship with anyone, unless that person is prepared to put their needs aside and that's not a healthy relationship for anyone.

If you stay with him this will happen again and it's soul destroying on a regular basis.

You've done the right thing contacting his family.

He took himself of them from what I can establish. He's abit of a struggler but never seen him so bad.

He lashes out at me because I'm his nearest thing I think. So I get the worst of him. Which is unfair.

I feel like it's time to quit. But I try so bluddy hard to understand this is not what he means. He's lashing out through his own pain and frustration and he's actually scared to loose me. But I am not his emotional punchbag.

He's just said he wants a bath and food and bed. So I'll leave him to it now. Hopefully he's not going to harm himself

His cousin text him and said should you be calling the crises team. He said no he's OK.

There is nothing you can do to help someone who takes themselves off meds & refuses to call the crisis team when they are having an episode.

Protect yourself - you are so right, you are not his emotional punch bag & he's being really unfair & cruel to you.

I get that he's ill but I think you'd be better off without him.

You can't sacrifice yourself for this.

Its literally impossible so say anything or help. I know I've done my best to help. He's been low now for 2 months and I've taken as much off him as I could stress wise. . To be spoken to like this just hurts. But makes me see I can't change it for him. I can't make him better. My love and support isn't improving his life like I hoped.

I'm not saying he's selfish because he can't help this. But it feels selfish because he wants me, but he thinks I should just jump into the right role depending on his moods. I never get it right when he's low. I irritate him so easily and end up thinking why does he even want me if I'm this annoying. Then when he gets better he tells me he's terrified to loose me and I'm his world and he loves me. So I'm up and down trying to not take the bad personally.

I just want my boyfriend. I want him to comfort me and he can't. I want to eat together and have sex and go places. He doesn't want me near him. Yet last week he wanted all the above. Such a huge change in personality I am definitely struggling.

Are you sure it's really a huge change in personality, & not just a depressingly standard abuse cycle?

Idealise - devalue - discard.

But he's been getting away with it for months by pulling the MH card.
The MH he's refusing to get proper help for or address properly.
The MH that oh so conveniently makes you the giver & him the taker?

I think as difficult and conflicting as it is, it's time to move on. You've done all you can. If being with him is affecting your mental health then you need to put yourself first.

He’s massively unwell and to be honest he’s sounding very much like my friend who was a paranoid schizophrenic.

He needs help but if he won’t take meds and won’t call crisis team it’s not your fault. You can’t change him, and you are not his punching bag. I couldn’t stick around if I was being talked to like that.

I don't think it's an abuse cycle. He is genuinely depressed. Had a tough few years. Not coping well at all. But he certainly needs help to control this and stop lashing out like this.

I think he's so bad at the moment he just can't see beyond his own pain and feelings. But he can't carry on like this. He's normally very appreciative of things I do. He doesn't actually mean what he's saying today. Well in a couple of days he won't mean it. When he feels less terrible he will be disappointed in himself and feel regret. But that doesn't justify it still.

I guess tomorrow is another day. He can decide for himself now. I can't do anything else today and I'm looking forward to bedtime. I'm exhausted.

His female relatives a few have bipolar. Mental Health is massive in his family.

He has been diagnosed with depression. No idea if they have missed anything else. He is a very kind protective loving man usually. I guess he almost seems like he has two personalities.

It’s not meant to be this hard. You’ve done all you can and he’s shut you out. It’s sounds as if even when he’s well he’s hard work with all that needy, anxious attachment behaviour.

Have a quiet evening and a a think about the kind of lifestyle you want vs what you are actually getting. From a person who isn’t taking responsibility for his own health- that for me would be the dealbreaker. It’s fine to walk away and it’s fine to say that he needs to get medical help or you will walk away. Unfortunately even if he does this is likely to be a repeated cycle.

Yes he is hard work. He has this way of making me feel happy. He's quite confident on the outside and he does push me to do more than I used to which has been great for my confidence. We have similar humour too. So there's been lots of happy moment. But this is all getting too much.
I know I'm not getting what I want at the moment. I think I hoped I would eventually. But now I'm thinking this is never going to change. A couple of times he's said you don't think thus is me do you? You don't worry this is who i am? So he does get aware of it and worry I'm being put off. But it keeps happening.

Thank you all for talking this through with me. It's alot more helpful than me talking to myself about it. I think there's only so much I can do and I feel I've got to end of the rope with it all now. I'm just upset and its not attractive. I don't feel good at all right now. I feel exhausted by it and after 6 days of it being bad I've had enough.

Absolutely get rid of him op this won't get better. Bad mental health or not he is being abusive to you and it won't get better.

MH can be like this. Protect yourself. Leave him be.

I'm just trying to think how do I end it without him having to handle that on top of this. I don't want to cause him any harm. I know that's not my problem but he needs managing for now until he stronger.

Sounds like an old ex of mine. He blamed his mental health for his awful treatment of me.

He would lash out, call me all sorts. Tell me he is depressed blah blah blah. Id be left feeling distressed wondering what I could do to make things better or easier for him. All of my attempts would be met with more verbal. When I finally would stop trying he would settle down again the next day or a few days, be apologetic, upset and so so sorry about how bad he had been towards me. It would never happen again. It was just because of his MH or this or that. Would I forgive him.
I would. Then things would be great. He would be so nice to me and back to his normal self. Then it would happen again...

He was never struggling with his MH despite every single sign pointing towards that. It was manipulation to mould me into who he wanted me to be.

Think about before he went off the handle here. Had you disagreed with him about something? Were you making plans with friends with or without him? Were you arranging something that was out of his comfort zone?

Because if you were, next time you consider doing the same thing again, your mind would automatically take you back to this and you would think twice.

Definitely time to break up with him. Depression may be an explanation for his appalling treatment of you but it is not an excuse. He is, whether deliberately or not, being very cruel, bordering on abusive. Giving it a label doesn't change that. You need to think of yourself and your own well being. Maybe him losing relationships might help him rethink doing something for himself and and taking responsibility for his own health. You can't do that for him. Best of luck, OP.