To be concerned

[Worried4545]

My boyfriend has suffered depression for years. He attempted suicide 18 months ago just before I met him.

He is in a bad place this week for various reasons. He's not seen me. He's not eating. Stressed. Pulled back. Low moods. Hard work to talk to. Usually I stay over at the weekend fir a night and we have a few evenings together. He's cancelled everyday but said last night hecwould see me today.

We arranged this morning. I was going at lunch time. I could sense in his voice he wasn't in a good place. I'll be honest I felt slightly uncomfortable and felt very aware of myself. He usually is welcoming and wasn't saying anything to make me feel he wanted me there other than we've arranged to meet.

An hour before I left he said he didn't know what to do when I got there. I double checked he still felt up to a visit. He absolutely exploded at me on the phone. Said he hates I asked him twice. Said he didn't wanna see me today now and hung up. I left it 4 hours. Got a message to thank Me for something I sent him as a gift. I said I loved him and hoped we could talk soon. He asked why we couldn't talk and that he loved me too. So I made a coffee. Rang him to see how he was now and I don't k ow what happened but he's just blown up at me again.

Said he didn't care for anyone now. He was done with everyone. He had nobody. Nobody cared. I told him I wanted to order a taxi and come now even if we don't talk. He screamed he didn't want to see me. Said nobody loved him. He was gunna be horrible to everyone from now on. I said to him you are loved by me and you have people who care for you. He screamed I always make it about me. He told me his life's fxxxed and he wanted everyone to f off. Told me I didn't seen to understand English. He kept going and going. He said everyone took advantage of him. Only wanted him for their own benefit. I told him I was one of the people not in his life for that and who wanted to be there for him. I asked if I could cook him something and I'd leave when I had dropped it off. He said the last thing he needed was me hanging off his neck.

I'm sat here in tears. I did his shopping yesterday. I've dealt with alot or stuff this last 2 months for him and he has lashed out like this. Said even his dog was annoying him. He loves that dog.

I am so scared for him. I've contacted his cousin to say I'm concerned. But I feel sick from the abuse he's just hurled at me.

I don't know what to do.

@Worried4545

I'm just trying to think how do I end it without him having to handle that on top of this. I don't want to cause him any harm. I know that's not my problem but he needs managing for now until he stronger.

"You know I love you, but I dont think we can continue like this. I hope you get the help you need, but I can no longer be a part of it"

Then let his cousin know you have broken up. If you get threats of suicide, which you probably will, call the police to do a welfare check on him. Let his cousin know and then block him.

Or something similar to that

@TheChip

Last time I saw him I felt unwell and went home after an hour. Thats all really that happened that day. I know what you mean about highs and lows though. It does seem we get good then we bet bad. Then we get good. Although he's put a status up on Facebook today about feeling drained. Kinda annoyed at the 3 women from his school days telling him how amazing he is and I'm sat here feeling like he's going to swallow my head. He's had suicidal times. He's done therapy and he is definitely depressed. I've not felt like he's controlling Me at all. But he still seems obsessed with his last girlfriend. They still text as apparently it's a friendship! Always found it abjt strange. He has grief in regards to her too I'd say.

But he certainly needs help to control this and stop lashing out like this.

Yes, just not from you.
You are not a MH professional, & even if you were, it's not your personal role to be a rehab centre for a man who is refusing to help himself, & is treating you badly - no matter how inadvertently.

@ChargingBuck

Exactly. I'm not too sure how quick or easy it would be for him. I think with him feeling as low and sad as he does right now he has no motivation to reach out for help.

A couple of times he's said you don't think thus is me do you? You don't worry this is who i am?

Sounds very much like being asked to compartmentalise his unwelcome behaviours, avoid responsibility for them because they're not really "him", & ensure you keep taking the flak.

It doesn't matter who he is.
It matters how his behaviour is affecting your own wellbeing & sense of selfhood.

He's just messaged and said he feels so sad, tired and like he could cry for days. He's starting to "calm" now and is trying to reach out. I do really really feel for him but he's made me feel awful today and I can feel it in my body.

@Worried4545

I'm just trying to think how do I end it without him having to handle that on top of this. I don't want to cause him any harm. I know that's not my problem but he needs managing for now until he stronger.

Why is it ok for you to handle his MH? PP don't want this to cause you harm.

It's not your job to manage him until he is stronger. It's your job to protect your own MH, & you are exhausted.

If you stay enmeshed because you can't leave until he is stronger, you will never be able to leave.

He sounds very much like someone I briefly dated before I met DH. Numerous suicide attempts before I met him, mental hospital inpatient stays, not allowed to see his children. He had a treatment plan that worked for him but it was super intensive and the minute he stopped it, within weeks he was a different person. Ultimately we decided a relationship wasn’t going to help him and went out separate ways. I was gutted but in hindsight, he was ‘feeding’ off me as I’m a sucker for a sob story. It sounds like you are very empathetic, you cannot fix this for him.

Step back for today, he knows that you are there for him. Unfortunately talking from experience it is like a big deep hole has got him and he can not crawl out and see normality. It's an awful feeling to be in , but getting in touch with him is making it worse. This doesn't give the person the right to be nasty or abusive to you . Get him to see his doctor and get anti depressants ,they take about 6 weeks to actually get into his system but he has to help himself first . Let him rest and let him ring you when he is ready . If he doesn't want the help then I think you have to walk away ,he will drag you down ,you deserve more than this . Mental health does not give the person a red card to be abusive,nasty and downright rude. Oh and please look after yourself knowing someone and dealing with mental health myself I can see both sides and it's heartbreaking.

Dump and move on.

An ex of mine would abuse me horribly then in a few days when it had all calmed down he would pull the “that wasn’t me” card and I fell for it again and again until I was a shell of a person. He will ruin you. Don’t do it to yourself, I’m still a shadow of the person I was before I met him and i left him 3 years ago.

I hope that he doesn't harm himself. But he needs to honestly talk through all his many problems, with someone professionally able to understand, and to try and get help for his inner torment. There are help lines everywhere these days, who urge people to seek the help they need. A very bad day or night for him, could flip him , and who knows what he could do with his mindsets.

@Worried4545

He's just messaged and said he feels so sad, tired and like he could cry for days. He's starting to "calm" now and is trying to reach out. I do really really feel for him but he's made me feel awful today and I can feel it in my body.

I'd tell him that you feel exactly the same because of how awful he's been to you and that you need some time to focus on yourself and wish him well

OP my partner has depression and has done for years. The pattern with us is he becomes low, I try and overcompensate, he gets angry with me and in his eyes I become an antagonist. It's miserable and it's fucked with my confidence.

Your situation will not improve. He will make you miserable. Tell him kindly that you're focusing on yourself and move on.

Thank you. Yes I am starting to see this is who he is and its making me realise I won't be able to rely on him. He will affect my moods. I will spend time disappointed, hurt and alone. Weighing it up tonight I'm feeling like I've slipped into a carer role and perhaps not getting my needs met. I never meant to and have never been in this situation before. I don't think I've ever met someone like this and I feel like I'm massively missing the knowledge but also due to that I'm perhaps taking more crap than I should.
He's told me tonight in messages he loves me and doesn't deserve me. He said he can't sort it and he's trying but feels so down and he's in physical pain too (back) he has cone through the anger and is now feeling very sorry for himself and lost. Said he wanted to just hug me to sleep. Earlier he said the last thing he needed was me hanging off his neck. So this is how high and low he gets.

I'm in bed now hoping to fall asleep. I'm not going to make any suggestions tomorrow and let him get on with it a little now. He needs to sort himself out.

Thanks for all your posts. The experiences and knowledge you have got helps me more than I can explain. It's sad as it's as painful for him.

I've sat here thinking what I feel should be happening with us, I randomly thought how nice it would be if when I was going round today he had dinner cooking for us when I arrived. How simple things like that are not happening and they are the things I want. Its not much to ask really. He had a chance to enjoy a Sunday with me which he always wants and he ended up doing this instead.

@Worried4545

He's just messaged and said he feels so sad, tired and like he could cry for days. He's starting to "calm" now and is trying to reach out. I do really really feel for him but he's made me feel awful today and I can feel it in my body.

Too little, too late.

He's making you unhappy - deliberately. He's trawling for attention and sympathy from other women. He's not thinking of what is best for you, only how he can hurt you best with his words and deeds so that he can have the best release and satisfaction. Nothing you ever do will be good enough for him. And then once he thinks 'I might have gone a bit far today if she's thinking of leaving', he comes over all 'I'm so sad and lonely' to get you back onside for the next week. It's absolutely controlling as everything is about what he feels and wants, not what you are feeling or need.

So it's time for you to step away and he can get help or not as he decides. It's not your problem anymore. It's his. I think a text telling him it's over because you are done with this treatment and nothing can make up for it and then blocking him would be safer and easier for you - after all, he's clearly got access to other females to give him support, hasn't he?

How are you today @Worried4545? Really hoping you've had some sleep last night abs had time to reflect today.