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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To decline this wedding invitation?

51 replies

Wiglio · 10/10/2021 12:56

A few weeks ago I got a ‘save the date’ for a friend’s wedding. It was along the lines of ‘we’re getting married and you are invited’.
All fine, I accepted.
Then the invitation and schedule is sent and I’m not invited to the ceremony, just the party afterwards.
No great problem, but attending involves a 3 hour drive each way, night in a hotel and a cab to and from the venue.
The happy couple have asked for cash wedding presents that I do plan to give them but I think it seems a lot to ask guests just for the evening party.
We are friends but not close friends and they are planning dinner at the party.
AIBU to not attend?

OP posts:

whoknew23 · 10/10/2021 12:58

I wouldn't bother going.

peboh · 10/10/2021 12:58

Yanbu to not attend. It's an invite, not a summons. Just rsvp no, send them a card for their wedding, done.

TheKeatingFive · 10/10/2021 13:02

Is the main meal during the stage you're invited to?

Because I've had a few instances recently where only a handful of people are invited to the ceremony. Then the rest invited for the celebration.

If it's a traditional 'afters' you're being invited to I would bust a gut, but it's not clear from your OP if that's the case.

TheKeatingFive · 10/10/2021 13:03

Wouldn't bust a gut, sorry

WomanStanleyWoman · 10/10/2021 13:05

If you don’t want to go, don’t go. You don’t need to take offence at being an evening only guest; just make the decision based on what works for you.

MaggieFS · 10/10/2021 13:06

Just decline and remember you don't have to give a reason.

rrhuth · 10/10/2021 13:08

I think you're fine to decline, if you're not invited to the ceremony you're not an important guest.

SnowyPetals · 10/10/2021 13:08

I wouldn't go just for the party if you're not particularly close friends. Just decline and wish them a lovely day, send a gift if you wish.

TeenMinusTests · 10/10/2021 13:09

I think it is bad form to send 'save the dates' to evening only guests.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 10/10/2021 13:10

If you want to celebrate their wedding, go.
If you don't, don't go.

Maybe they are only having a handful of guests at the ceremony.
Maybe its a different day.
Maybe its in a different place.
They probably have a reason for it.

Brollywasntneededafterall · 10/10/2021 13:10

It's isn't even an invite...just an invoice.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 10/10/2021 13:10

I wouldn't bother.
A few years ago we had a save the date thing and were copied into all e-mails regarding venue, transport, arrangements for the day etc etc.
The invitation arrived and it was for evening do only. 150 miles away.
Fuck that.

Guineapiggiesmalls · 10/10/2021 13:14

I would go 🤷‍♀️ The ceremony is the boring part, the meal, speeches and the party is the enjoyable bit. It sounds like the ceremony venue might have limited numbers, but the evening meal is where you’s actually want to cut numbers as that’s where the costs arrive. Be flattered you’ve made that cut and forget about the ceremony!

MaggieFS · 10/10/2021 13:17

@TeenMinusTests

I think it is bad form to send 'save the dates' to evening only guests.

I would agree with this.

But FWIW, I wouldn't expect replies to a save the date and nor would I give one.

Cheeseycheeseycheesecheese · 10/10/2021 13:20

I'd go, sounds like my wedding.
DH and I had a registry office ceremony with parents and siblings, then a huge reception, meal, speeches etc for family and friends. DH hates being centre of attention, so it made sense to have the 'us' bit small and the celebration big.
Speeches were given by my dad, his mum and I just thanked everyone for attending, he did stand up, said thanks and sat down again.

Cheeseycheeseycheesecheese · 10/10/2021 13:21

But to answer your question, it's an invite, you're allowed to decline

underneaththeash · 10/10/2021 13:24

I'd go to that - they're probably just having a small ceremony.

If you can afford it and there's no time off work involved, why not?

butterflyze · 10/10/2021 13:30

@Brollywasntneededafterall

It's isn't even an invite...just an invoice.

Winter2020 · 10/10/2021 13:43

I think the fact you are even posting on here means that you don’t want to spend hours travelling and cash on outfits/drinks/hotel to go to an evening do - if you did then you wouldn’t be asking.

I’ve travelled 4/5 hours for an evening do (that I would rather have not) because the friend was important to me to find the most enormous wedding and that I obviously wasn’t very important to them. I was a mug.

JumperandJacket · 10/10/2021 13:47

It’s fine to decline but do it quickly and don’t dither. The most annoying thing is a guest who tries to let you down gently by saying they’re hoping to come, will let you know soon, blah blah when it’s obvious they’re not coming. Second best answer - a quick no.

WithMyEncyclopedia · 10/10/2021 13:47

Is it the entire reception you're invited to? That's not the same as "evening-only".

RosesAndHellebores · 10/10/2021 13:50

We once had worse. Save the date. Then an invite that said please come to the ceremony, you aren't invited to the main reception but come to the evening party. So the bride expected us to get dressed up (tails for dh - landmark London church), be part of the photos then amuse ourselves for four hours before schlepping across London to an evening party.

What made it worse was that MIL was recently widowed after 50 years and her own marriage took place in that church. Her niece expected her to cope alone at the first family occasion without her husband.

It was disgraceful bridewell behaviour.

AnotherLauraLou · 10/10/2021 14:11

Save the Dates are for full day guests, not evening.

TractorAndHeadphones · 10/10/2021 14:13

It's your choice whether or not to go - but you're being invited to the bit that actually costs them money!
Being invited to the 'evening' part after a wedding breakfast with no food provided - yes, you're right to not go, it costs a lot and you need a gift/
But it seems that they're having dinner as part of the 'party' - so you're treated as a full guest without boring speeches. What's not to like?

ittakes2 · 10/10/2021 14:13

We had a save the date to my brother's overseas wedding only to discover after we had accepted kids weren't invited. I get child free weddings - but the wedding was in the bride's home country and she had zero nieces and nephews while my brother had six young nieces and nephews coming from overseas with their parents. We were expected to find babysitters off the internet to look after our children while we went to wedding.

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