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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To decline this wedding invitation?

51 replies

Wiglio · 10/10/2021 12:56

A few weeks ago I got a ‘save the date’ for a friend’s wedding. It was along the lines of ‘we’re getting married and you are invited’.
All fine, I accepted.
Then the invitation and schedule is sent and I’m not invited to the ceremony, just the party afterwards.
No great problem, but attending involves a 3 hour drive each way, night in a hotel and a cab to and from the venue.
The happy couple have asked for cash wedding presents that I do plan to give them but I think it seems a lot to ask guests just for the evening party.
We are friends but not close friends and they are planning dinner at the party.
AIBU to not attend?

OP posts:
Grandadwasthatyou · 10/10/2021 14:20

I think op has already accepted!

MaggieFS · 10/10/2021 14:22

OP has accepted a save the date. Now she has the innovation it's a bit more awkward to decline, but she can just give no reasons and front it out. If compelled to explain "I'm sorry, but now I have the details I just can't make it work".

blubberyboo · 10/10/2021 14:23

Well she can unaccept again if she wishes because she’s only received the formal invitation now!

MaggieFS · 10/10/2021 14:23

Or even an invitation not innovation Confused

UnsuitableHat · 10/10/2021 14:30

Of course you don’t have to go. Just politely decline and send a card/gift or whatever.

Thethreecs · 10/10/2021 14:35

You've been invited to the best bit, food and party. I don't know anyone who enjoys the ceremony.

Is there a cheaper alternative to a hotel stay? What about getting and Airbnb and sharing the cost between a few of you.

Original poster
Wiglio · 10/10/2021 14:42

Thanks to everyone for taking the time to reply to my post
Yes it’s a full blown party not just an evening invite but I’d prefer to see the b & g get married than attend the party.
I will send cash in a card and bow out of the party.

OP posts:
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 10/10/2021 14:44

I rarely attend evening only invites and certainly wouldn’t travel that far for one nor would I give cash. I personally find requests for cash awful and feel it’s like an entry fee.

BlanketPiggy · 10/10/2021 14:45

Bit odd to accept a save the date. I thought it was just meant to be a fyi

pelosi · 10/10/2021 14:47

Why on earth would you send cash?

Fuck that!

Viviennemary · 10/10/2021 14:48

Cherky. Don't bother going and just send a card.

MajorCarolDanvers · 10/10/2021 14:49

If it was me I would go. But I like a party and I like catching up with people. Me and DH would make a weekend of it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/10/2021 14:52

Would you go that far and to that much hassle for their birthday party?

I wouldn’t so I wouldn’t go to this.

I’ve been married twice and not had evening only people to either. The idea of evening guests is normally for people who live nearby. It’s going to cost you loads to go and they don’t really want you there.

And don’t send cash! A card is fine.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 10/10/2021 14:55

I’d only send a gift if I had accepted an invite then fell sick etc. I don’t know anyone who rsvps no and still sends a gift.

ChocolateRiver · 10/10/2021 14:56

I can’t quite get my head around this invitation. Are there just a handful of people watching the ceremony and then everyone else coming for the main wedding breakfast, speeches etc? Or are you literally just invited to the evening do with a buffet?

ChocolateRiver · 10/10/2021 14:59

In terms of sending a gift, it’s really up to you. When we got married we had a couple of friends who were invited all day but who couldn’t come for good reasons. They gave us a gift and we really appreciated it. We obviously didn’t expect it though.

rrhuth · 10/10/2021 15:24

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

I’d only send a gift if I had accepted an invite then fell sick etc. I don’t know anyone who rsvps no and still sends a gift.
I do but that is because I am not always keen to go rather than strictly because I can't go, and I want to show my congratulations. I find travelling quite hard to fit in to life, but if the same wedding were in my home town I would attend, if that makes sense.
Chachachawoo · 10/10/2021 15:28

Just decline and send a gift/cheque.
Sorry I won't be celebrating with you. But wish you all the best etc

Disfordarkchocolate · 10/10/2021 15:30

There was no need to accept a save the date. I'd wouldn't go though, I'm an early to bed person.

ApplesAreTheBaneOfMyLife · 10/10/2021 15:45

Decline and just a card or card and small token gift. Cash would be weird and unnecessary if you’re not going.

RealhousewifeofBarnardCastle · 10/10/2021 15:50

@ApplesAreTheBaneOfMyLife

Decline and just a card or card and small token gift. Cash would be weird and unnecessary if you’re not going.
I agree
wildautumn · 10/10/2021 15:51

My friend once told me I was invited to her full wedding and sent me a save the date, so I booked the weekend off work and as the wedding was the other side of the country, I started looking at hotels. When the invitation arrived I happily sent an RSVP text without really reading it, and only after a while I realised I was now just an evening guest. I was expected to sit around until 8pm when the evening do started, by which time she would want to be up dancing and probably wouldn't even notice if I was there or not. I politely retracted my acceptance and explained I couldn't travel that far and go to that expense just for a 3 hour disco and she was fine about it. I still sent a card and a gift voucher because I didn't want to show any ill feeling, even though personally I think it's cheeky to ask someone to save the entire date just for an evening party.

NellePorter · 10/10/2021 15:55

YANBU to decline the invitation, but you shouldn't have replied to the 'Save the Date'.
I was once sent a "Here's the date of our wedding, if you're free, I'll invite you" card, which was very bizarre. If you want me at your wedding, invite me!

pelosi · 10/10/2021 15:57

@wildautumn

My friend once told me I was invited to her full wedding and sent me a save the date, so I booked the weekend off work and as the wedding was the other side of the country, I started looking at hotels. When the invitation arrived I happily sent an RSVP text without really reading it, and only after a while I realised I was now just an evening guest. I was expected to sit around until 8pm when the evening do started, by which time she would want to be up dancing and probably wouldn't even notice if I was there or not. I politely retracted my acceptance and explained I couldn't travel that far and go to that expense just for a 3 hour disco and she was fine about it. I still sent a card and a gift voucher because I didn't want to show any ill feeling, even though personally I think it's cheeky to ask someone to save the entire date just for an evening party.
Why send a gift voucher?!
wildautumn · 10/10/2021 16:03

@pelosi like I said in my post, I did it because I didn't want any ill feeling over it all. I just sent the bare minimum then took the money I'd was going to spend on the whole thing and booked a holiday Smile