Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I wrong with MIL

37 replies

wonderw · 10/10/2021 12:51

So a few days ago I told MIL I'd come with baby to see her on the weekend, something came up this week that completely threw me off(not to do with her) and to be quite frank when Saturday came I was just upset and not in the mood so told her something came up so not feeling too good, is it ok if we come tomorrow she said yes it will be fine. Bear in mind DH was with her when I told her. This morning DH and I get into an argument then he brings up the fact I didn't go yesterday and had no reason not to because I wasn't doing anything anyway. He then said 'even my mum was like well what does that have to do with anything' when she saw the text (talking about the situation that happened this week). Now I'm just feeling uncomfortable to go and dreading it. Almost felt like avoiding it altogether. We haven't had the easiest relationship, for some reason there's always some problem that she's got with me, something I've done or said

OP posts:
IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 10/10/2021 12:52

I think your husband just volunteered to take the baby and go see his mum.

Original poster
wonderw · 10/10/2021 12:53

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves

I think your husband just volunteered to take the baby and go see his mum.
No this argument happened this morning before he left and went out, he had errands to run today, the plan was just for me and baby to go
OP posts:
Sleepinghyena · 10/10/2021 12:55

Well, it does sound like you pulled out of going just because you didn't want to. She knows this, as does your husband. So hardly unreasonable of her to be annoyed/upset.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 10/10/2021 12:55

I meant tell him that he can take the baby to see his mum from now on.

Chickychoccyegg · 10/10/2021 12:56

Don't go, you don't have to, your dh is being ridiculous

Obbydoo · 10/10/2021 13:02

Your MIL wouldnt have made any plans yesterday because you were supposed to be there so now she suddenly had nothing to do because you decided that you didn't want to go. You also expected her to be free today because you decided it would suit you better. You've messed up her weekend for no other reason than it suited you. She has every right to be a little annoyed and, if you don't turn up today either she has every right to be more than a little annoyed! Go and see her, take some flowers as an apology and get over yourself. There's more to this life than you.

catsareme14 · 10/10/2021 13:06

The op said she was feeling upset & not feeling too good . She should be able to cancel without being guilt tripped . It's not up to others to decide when you feel ok or not ok . DH & Mil are being a pain

Bigeggsinapackoften · 10/10/2021 13:08

I would leave visiting mil to DH in future.

Dillydollydingdong · 10/10/2021 13:09

obbydoo good advice

ChargingBuck · 10/10/2021 13:09

@Sleepinghyena

Well, it does sound like you pulled out of going just because you didn't want to. She knows this, as does your husband. So hardly unreasonable of her to be annoyed/upset.
What are you basing this so-called "pulled out" on?

OP said she would visit at the weekend.
On Saturday, she messaged & said she wouldn't visit today, but would come on Sunday.
MiL said that was fine.

So far, no problems.

Things only became problematic when DH decided to make an issue out of a non-event. I think he was just looking for something to have a go at OP about.

As OP is now feeling "uncomfortable", & dreading going, I imagine DH has form for bringing his wife's mood down.

WomanStanleyWoman · 10/10/2021 13:09

@Obbydoo

Your MIL wouldnt have made any plans yesterday because you were supposed to be there so now she suddenly had nothing to do because you decided that you didn't want to go. You also expected her to be free today because you decided it would suit you better. You've messed up her weekend for no other reason than it suited you. She has every right to be a little annoyed and, if you don't turn up today either she has every right to be more than a little annoyed! Go and see her, take some flowers as an apology and get over yourself. There's more to this life than you.
Is the MIL incapable of saying ‘Actually Sunday isn’t good for me’? I get it’s a pain when plans are cancelled late on, but that doesn’t mean the MIL had to agree to the OP’s suggested new plan. If it was such a wrench for MIL for the OP to come today instead, why not just say? Maybe ask if she could do next weekend instead?
FancyFlipFlops · 10/10/2021 13:09

Did your DH show his DM private messages between you and him from during the week to show her what the situation was? Are they both minimising the thing that upset you?

Shitfuckcommaetc · 10/10/2021 13:11

She's allowed to feel put out at you changing plans last minute. It's a completely natural reaction.

Just go today as planned.

Thatsplentyjack · 10/10/2021 13:18

Sorry bit I would be pretty annoyed if someone cancelled on me at the last minute and wanted to change to the next day. She was probably looking forward to seeing her grandchild, that's why she said come today instead.

peboh · 10/10/2021 13:26

I'd be a bit miffed if I was mil, especially if I've kept the day free and was looking forward to seeing your child. However I wouldn't cause a massive fuss, I'd just grumble to myself for the day and let it go.

Original poster
wonderw · 10/10/2021 13:30

@Obbydoo

Your MIL wouldnt have made any plans yesterday because you were supposed to be there so now she suddenly had nothing to do because you decided that you didn't want to go. You also expected her to be free today because you decided it would suit you better. You've messed up her weekend for no other reason than it suited you. She has every right to be a little annoyed and, if you don't turn up today either she has every right to be more than a little annoyed! Go and see her, take some flowers as an apology and get over yourself. There's more to this life than you.
She never has any plans on the weekend, she babysits my DC cousin, all weekend, every weekend, she's only at home. She knows about what's been happening during the week and every time I say I'm going to visit, I go, this is the first time I've pulled out last minute because I just mentally couldn't do it yesterday
OP posts:
Original poster
wonderw · 10/10/2021 13:33

@Bigeggsinapackoften

I would leave visiting mil to DH in future.
Yes, that's what I'm going to do
OP posts:
phoenixrosehere · 10/10/2021 13:36

Is the MIL incapable of saying ‘Actually Sunday isn’t good for me’? I get it’s a pain when plans are cancelled late on, but that doesn’t mean the MIL had to agree to the OP’s suggested new plan. If it was such a wrench for MIL for the OP to come today instead, why not just say? Maybe ask if she could do next weekend instead?

This. Both have a voice and I definitely don’t see an issue with cancelling and rescheduling if something happened outside of the visit that has caused upset unrelated to the visit. Who wants to deal with someone who is upset? If OP had gone, who is to say mil wouldn’t have misread OP and assumed OP was upset about being there with her.

If MIL didn’t want to have the visit today, she should have said so and rescheduled. No one forced her to say yes.

You also have a DH problem. He didn’t need to put his beak in and if he is so upset about it, he can take the baby to his mum’s for a visit instead. It is not on them to say what you can/cannot be upset about. That’s quite dismissive and you don’t have to be around someone like that. Besides, it sounds like MIL only wanted to see the baby, not you because if she did, she would have asked if you were ok.

Notaroadrunner · 10/10/2021 13:40

Don't bother getting into a situation where you are the one facilitating contact with MIL and baby. Leave it all for Dh to organise and if you are free when he plans to go, then go along if you like.

QueeniesCroft · 10/10/2021 13:42

"At the weekend" is a fairly loose arrangement, so going on Sunday would be fine. It was polite to let her know that it would be Saturday rather than Sunday, but not really necessary.

The two of them have obviously been discussing your failings and neither are satisfied with your behaviour. Is this a pattern or a one-off? I think I'd go for a short visit this time, but not bother again (and leave if she got arsey with me). You don't need to be close, it's okay to not see her a lot, it just means that her son will have to take responsibility for taking your child/ren to see her.

What might be more problematic in the long term is your marriage. Looking at it honestly, are there areas where it needs work, and might benefit from some counselling? Either together, or just you?

GreatBritishWineDrinker · 10/10/2021 13:46

If DH was with her when you said you weren't going, why didn't he take the baby to see her?

Original poster
wonderw · 10/10/2021 13:50

@Notaroadrunner

Don't bother getting into a situation where you are the one facilitating contact with MIL and baby. Leave it all for Dh to organise and if you are free when he plans to go, then go along if you like.
He doesn't do much of the taking baby to see her, because baby is breastfed and won't take a bottle, but he's now 6 months and I'm weaning him off
OP posts:
Original poster
wonderw · 10/10/2021 13:51

@QueeniesCroft

"At the weekend" is a fairly loose arrangement, so going on Sunday would be fine. It was polite to let her know that it would be Saturday rather than Sunday, but not really necessary.

The two of them have obviously been discussing your failings and neither are satisfied with your behaviour. Is this a pattern or a one-off? I think I'd go for a short visit this time, but not bother again (and leave if she got arsey with me). You don't need to be close, it's okay to not see her a lot, it just means that her son will have to take responsibility for taking your child/ren to see her.

What might be more problematic in the long term is your marriage. Looking at it honestly, are there areas where it needs work, and might benefit from some counselling? Either together, or just you?

It's definitely a pattern, there's always something that I've done or said that she has a problem with but never expresses then I hear it all from DH
OP posts:
phoenixrosehere · 10/10/2021 13:55

He doesn't do much of the taking baby to see her, because baby is breastfed and won't take a bottle, but he's now 6 months and I'm weaning him off

Why can’t he bring her over with the other family member she watches? How far do you live from her?

Original poster
wonderw · 10/10/2021 13:55

@GreatBritishWineDrinker

If DH was with her when you said you weren't going, why didn't he take the baby to see her?
It was a situation where I had made plans later on in the day and he had stopped by to see her, he sees her a lot
OP posts: