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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I wrong with MIL

37 replies

wonderw · 10/10/2021 12:51

So a few days ago I told MIL I'd come with baby to see her on the weekend, something came up this week that completely threw me off(not to do with her) and to be quite frank when Saturday came I was just upset and not in the mood so told her something came up so not feeling too good, is it ok if we come tomorrow she said yes it will be fine. Bear in mind DH was with her when I told her. This morning DH and I get into an argument then he brings up the fact I didn't go yesterday and had no reason not to because I wasn't doing anything anyway. He then said 'even my mum was like well what does that have to do with anything' when she saw the text (talking about the situation that happened this week). Now I'm just feeling uncomfortable to go and dreading it. Almost felt like avoiding it altogether. We haven't had the easiest relationship, for some reason there's always some problem that she's got with me, something I've done or said

OP posts:
Sorrelatchristmas · 10/10/2021 13:56

What an insensitive pair they are. Go when it suits you, if it doesn’t suit her, then just plan another day.

RandomMess · 10/10/2021 14:00

Why is your DH stirring between his Mum and you? Why hasn't he got your back and shutting your Mum's complaints about you down?

You have a DH problem.

He likes telling you that you aren't doing good enough, an excuse to put you down? Why is making things worse, he gets something out of that dynamic otherwise he wouldn't be telling you this stuff.

ChargingBuck · 10/10/2021 14:08

It's definitely a pattern, there's always something that I've done or said that she has a problem with but never expresses then I hear it all from DH

If she never tells you she has a problem, maybe she doesn't have one.

Maybe it's all your DH, inventing or exaggerating, because he likes shit-stirring.
There was absolutely no need for him to engineer a row about whether you visited MiL yesterday or today. MiL told you herself that visiting today was "fine".

So why did DH decide to make an issue of it?
Does he often decide to make you feel "uncomfortable" & "dreading", OP?

wonderw · 10/10/2021 14:11

@ChargingBuck

It's definitely a pattern, there's always something that I've done or said that she has a problem with but never expresses then I hear it all from DH

If she never tells you she has a problem, maybe she doesn't have one.

Maybe it's all your DH, inventing or exaggerating, because he likes shit-stirring.
There was absolutely no need for him to engineer a row about whether you visited MiL yesterday or today. MiL told you herself that visiting today was "fine".

So why did DH decide to make an issue of it?
Does he often decide to make you feel "uncomfortable" & "dreading", OP?

I'm not sure what's really going on on her side but yes, I do frequently feel uncomfortable and dreading of situations like this, this isn't the first time I've gone to her house upset because of some argument we've had. We argue all the time and it's draining, I'd say it happens definitely twice a week. Maybe 3 times or 4
OP posts:
BoredZelda · 10/10/2021 14:11

Your MIL wouldnt have made any plans yesterday because you were supposed to be there so now she suddenly had nothing to do because you decided that you didn't want to go. You also expected her to be free today because you decided it would suit you better. You've messed up her weekend for no other reason than it suited you. She has every right to be a little annoyed and, if you don't turn up today either she has every right to be more than a little annoyed! Go and see her, take some flowers as an apology and get over yourself. There's more to this life than you.

Her son was with her, she hadn’t made plans because he was going to be there.

OP asked and she said fine, I’m not seeing any expectations of anything. MIL could easily have said she was busy Sunday.

She “messed up” the weekend because she was unable to go. Whether or not you think she could have gone anyway is irrelevant.

OP owes nobody an apology beyond what she has done already. DH owes an apology to his mum because the correct course of action was for him to say “Ok, I’ll come collect DC and bring him over.”

I’m always suspicious when two women have a conversation and sort things out among themselves only to have a bloke later say their mum was really upset and said blah blah blah. There are two possibilities, either he is shit stirring, or she is incapable of voicing her thoughts and feelings. None of those are OP’s fault.

@wonderw when you say she doesn’t like you, has she said/done a lot that makes you feel like that, or is it only from “my mum said…”

Laserbird16 · 10/10/2021 14:25

I actually don't think you have a MIL problem.

You seem to be getting all of this via DH. Information third hand can often be plain wrong. Plus if you're arguing all the time with DH it's probably his disappointment his mum isn't seeing his child...er which he can arrange and facilitate.

I'd think about marriage counseling and not worry about MIL

PinkArt · 10/10/2021 14:27

Oh @wonderw, step right back! You're visiting her 3 or 4 times a week?! And often coming away upset? If this was anyone other than family would you tolerate that after the first time? No! You'd step back from a situation that was making you unhappy.
Let your 'D'H facilitate his mum seeing your baby from now on and use the time that frees up to look at the bigger picture with your relationship. He doesn't sound like he remotely has your back here and you may find you'd be far happier removing yourself from him too.

littlebilliie · 10/10/2021 14:32

@Bigeggsinapackoften

I would leave visiting mil to DH in future.
I agree, be friendly, but after all he is his mum.
FancyFlipFlops · 10/10/2021 15:44

@PinkArt

Oh *@wonderw*, step right back! You're visiting her 3 or 4 times a week?! And often coming away upset? If this was anyone other than family would you tolerate that after the first time? No! You'd step back from a situation that was making you unhappy. Let your 'D'H facilitate his mum seeing your baby from now on and use the time that frees up to look at the bigger picture with your relationship. He doesn't sound like he remotely has your back here and you may find you'd be far happier removing yourself from him too.
I read it as arguing with her DH several times a week and having to go to MILs after an argument.

@wonderw I really think you need to be looking at your relationship with your DH it doesn’t feel healthy at all.

PinkArt · 10/10/2021 16:14

Ah, my bad @FancyFlipFlops, I see that now. I'd still say to step right back from the visits to her MIL though if they're causing stress in themselves. The 'D'H I'd step back from permanently.

RealBecca · 10/10/2021 16:22

Yanbu, if he had a problem he shoud have said and not just chucked it into a row.

If MIL was a friend and you dont bail often id expect her to understand.

Any chance he is just saying it to upset you?

Im not surprised you're uncomfortable, his comment makes it sound like they have been gossiping amd slagging you off.

Hope you feel better soon.

I would also reduce your visits to MIL with baby and make it his weekend job. Prat.

PikachuAndMe · 10/10/2021 16:56

@PinkArt

Oh *@wonderw*, step right back! You're visiting her 3 or 4 times a week?! And often coming away upset? If this was anyone other than family would you tolerate that after the first time? No! You'd step back from a situation that was making you unhappy. Let your 'D'H facilitate his mum seeing your baby from now on and use the time that frees up to look at the bigger picture with your relationship. He doesn't sound like he remotely has your back here and you may find you'd be far happier removing yourself from him too.
This. Why are you visiting someone that you don't want to?

I get on okay with my in-laws but I don't particularly want to visit them. DH goes a few times a week and regularly takes our DS. I haven't seen them for about 6 weeks and have no plans to visit this month.

I would advise stepping back and letting your DH do all the visiting. If he cannot take the baby then MIL is free to visit you.

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