I suspect I probably am.............

[TheIceQueen]

but I'm feeling rather p*ssed off.

I'm still on Maternity leave, so at home all day (apart from when busy with church stuff). DH "officially" works 37.5hrs a week mon-fri (occasionaly weekends - but not often) - but in reality it's more like 45 actually out of the house. Leaves around lunchtime and gets back around 9.30-10pm. Means I also have to do the whole after school/dinner/bath/bedtime stuff on my own 5 days a week. As well at the whole breakfast, school/nursery run etc.

He does the "early" night shift with DS3 - which often involved being awake for anything up to 2 1/2hrs with him! Because of that I do the "morning" routine with the 3 DS's and he gets up around 9.30-10am. He then has to sort out all his paperwork (despite the fact that this takes ages to do - and that's excluding his route planning which I do for him) which can take anything from 1/2 to 1 1/2hrs. He sometimes manages to take DS3 off me for 10 minutes or so, but depends on how busy he is.

Fast forward to weekends - in particular this weekend. Same thing on Friday night - he gets up with DS3 in the night, and gets up around 10. Still has paperwork from Friday work to do - fair enough it has to be sent off in the post. Then he usually pretty much takes over looking after the 3 DS's, bottles, nappy changes, gets their lunch (I still cook the dinner as I don't trust him ).

Today I have (started at 6am once I'd got DS3 settled to sleep again):

Done 1 1/2hrs of ironing, put it all away, done a load of washing (and hung on radiators to dry), cooked the dinner (well it's in the oven now), washed all the breakfast and lunch dishes (dishwasher is broken ), washed the bottles, entertained DS3 while he did his paperwork.
Oh - and managed to sit down and watch an episode of ER...
Later I'm going to hoover the living/dining room (long overdue ) and tidy up the bookcase which is used as a general dumping ground and which is threatening to chase me...as well as wash the stuff I used to cook dinner and the plates etc, and make up the bottles.

He has:

Done his paperwork - only took about 45 minutes this morning
Got the boys lunch (sandwiches and fruit)
Given DS3 his bottles and changed nappies (2)
Put DS3 up for his naps (very easy - we just pop him in the cot and leave him)
Organised DS1 and 2 sharing the PS2
Watched a movie
Is now making himself some lunch (yes I know it's dinner time - but he eats at odd hours in the week and if he tries to eat at "normal" times at the weekend it just doesn't work for him).

Later he'll bath DS2 and 3, and get DS1's shower ready
Possibly supervise DS3 attacking his portion of dinner
Take the DS's to bed (again like DS3 very easy - just upstairs, tuck them in, walk out.

I feel like he should at least of tried to help me do some of the housework......but at the same time I'm sure I'm being unreasonable - he has said he'll do some ironing tomorrow.....but seen as though there's only one load in the basket (which I washed and dried today) and most of it is socks and pants - there's virtually none to do..

I'm being unreasonable and hormonal aren't I???

Yah you are....most chicks on here would give thier right arm for a DH like that.

He sounds great to me!

Bloody hell! You don't know you're born. My dh does (and did) nothing around the house or to help with the dds. He would never never never in a million years even get up in the night for them when babies, nor do housework, meals or even play with them. I can't believe you are upset when you have all that help

He sounds bloody great!

I know - it just the most of the things he's done with the DS's today - only take a matter of minutes (DS3 drinks bottles in 5-10 minutes, lunch 1 minute). I just feel I may as well have sorted them (the DS's) out as per normal as that's all that's been different - and they really are pretty "easy" children - it just when I've been up since 4.30am and know I won't have "finished" until gone 8......well - yes I know I'm being unreasonable....but it's just felt like another weekday

You are, but don't add guilt to your list, because I'm just the same. My dh is fantastic with our dds, esp. on w/ends, but I still feel exhausted, bored and p*d off by all the housework and cooking I do. Rather than lose my temper and/or get tearful (and then feel awful, because I Am Being Unreasonable!), I now just say 'I'm bored/exhausted, etc, etc, and we have a laugh about how crp childcare is much of the time ...

Then a huge drink together when they're all in bed.

Hope that makes you feel a bit better

I know how you feel TheIceQueen - you feel thst you shouldn't be ungrateful because he does stuff but he still doesn't do what would help you
YANBU (I don't think) even if others' DHs don't do anything around the house at all!

Thanks - I know I'm so lucky that he does take so much interest and help with the DS's so much - but I just like (once in a while) to get some time to myself - tomorrow is Sunday - and I have church stuff - so no rest then either...

Tommy - you hit the nail on the head - while (admittedly ) I do prefer him to sort the DS's at the weekend, so I can get some housework done - usually I've got specific jobs that I want to tackle....but today I've done nothing different from what I'd do on a weekday

oh well - better go and get the dinner out of the oven before I burn it.....and then see if his (2nd!) movie has finished so I can run the hoover round LOL.

and then drinks (think we've still got 1/2 bottle of Amarula left ) after bed

My children are lucky to even spend half an hour with their dad on a week day as he's out of the house 7.15 - 8.15 most days. During the week I'm pretty much a single mother, he makes up for it by playing with the children all weekend but I still do the cooking. I think I'm unreasonable as I'm really slack at doing the housework!

Do you ask him to do the stuff you really want him to do? Or do you just hope he will and then feel annoyed when he doesn't?

I ask this because that's what I used to do with my ex, when I met my current partner he was just so up front about everything and basically said look instead of getting annoyed cause i'm not doing what you want me to do - just ask me and i'll gladly do it!!

It took me a while to adjust to being comfortable doing that (cause in typical girly fashion i wanted him just to know what i needed him to do without having to ask!)
but once i got my head round doing it it saved so much stress and miscommunication, and he appreciated me being up front and slowly began doing things without having to be asked as well, we now have a really good balance!!

DS1 doesn't spend any time with DH during the week as DH is still in bed when DS1 leaves for school, has gone to work by the time he comes home from school, and DH comes home from work after DS1 is in bed.

And quite often he'll only see DS2 just as he's leaving for work - so just about enough time for a quick hug and then he's gone.

Melly - it's usually him asking me to get stuff done as I'm not very good at organising the housework - during the week (in the mornings, and late at night when he gets in) if there's something he's asked me several times to do, and I've still not done it he'll just do it himself.

I'm loathe to ask him to do stuff as I'm so pleased that he spends so much time with the DS's (although weekend afternoons is generally DS1 & 2 upstairs on the PS2 and him downstairs .

Anyhow, life goes on.......

well that's just great......now I'm I waited until he was sorting DS1's shower out and started hoovering, he then bathed DS2 - I kept hoovering - only had one small part left to do - which happened to be in the space where DS3 was going to be undressed etc. He then started interrogating me as to why I was doing it "now", why hadn't I done it earlier, I'd "had all afternoon to do it", it "only takes 10 minutes" - yeah sodding right.......... - perhaps I'm not allowed to sit down for 1hr to watch TV.....

Apparently I'm supposed to co-ordinate with him and ask if I'm going to be getting in the way, should on....told him I thought I'd be finished by the time he was ready to sort DS3 - but that just wasn't good enough.....

So much for the huge drink and laugh later

sounds like your dh does a lot more than some husbands i know

oh but of course if he had decided to get the hoover out ANY time would have been ok.......

Oh stop moaning sounds like things are equal & your Dh does more than his fair share!

Sorry - yabu - but you both work jolly hard! And you're still lovely

if you are so sick of him can i have him please

yES YOU ARE BEING UNREASONABLE...BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN YOU DESERVE A BREAK.
tO BE FAIR i THINK IT SOUnds like you have the right balance between you but both of you need time away from the home and the children. Can you arrange so that each of you, in turn has time away to do something you want to do???
What you describe sounds pretty normal, I have 3 sons like you and I know I would never get chance to watch TV with the kids around, and I wouldn't expect my DH to either. I also can't dot he ironing with the kids around so I think you are both doing really well, and doing a great job. BUT you do need a break to get perspective on things.

Is this a joke?

Can you afford to pay someone to do some of the chores?
Like the ironing?
Then you needn't feel resentful because it's not done.
You both need some time to relax - agree with igglepiggle if you can get time away from home, children, work it owuld do you both good/

WCL - do it's not a joke - why would it be???? His time actually "doing" stuff today (and that includes "looking after" DS1 and DS2 who pretty much entertain themselves on the PS2 upstairs) was probably about 1/3 of the time I spent doing stuff.

The only reason I got to watch TV was because DS3 was having a nap, and DS1 and DS2 were upstairs on the PS2 (well unless you count "Monster Jam" which they were glued to in the morning as I was busy washing the dishes....)

• and yes I'm still upset at his attitude toward me "doing the hoovering at an inconvenient time"..perhaps he'd prefer I did it at 4.30 tomorrow morning when I get up with DS3.....

Scooby - how exactly are things "equal" - when I do ALL the housework ALL week, look after all 3 DS's 5 days a week (apart from 1-2hrs in the middle of the night), and also spend anything from 6hrs upwards (this time of year a LOT more) doing stuff related to the church organist post which I hold (which also happens to bring in a rather valuable £120 a month - so not like I'm doing it for nothing)

Of course I'm grateful that he does at least take over the childcare at the weekends (even if it's just bumping the older ones off upstairs to play, and sticking DS3 in his walker) but it still doesn't make me feel any better about it.....especially given his reaction to me deciding to get the hoover out......

i think woman just always get the bad end of things i dont mind having to be mother lover and slave all in one but will admit i do get secretly ennoyed and bitter about these things sometimes so rant away

Nearly all men percieve actual housework (dusting, ironing, washing up, hoovering etc) as miserable, pointless, boring shitwork. And they are not wrong. It is boring shitwork, and the whole of human civilisation is founded on ways to make it someone else's job to do it.

Now everyone differs on how much mess they are prepared to tolerate, but the way to lessen the misery of housework is, IMO, to do less of it. Apart from the basics of everyone needing clean pants, clean plates and food, is regular dusting done in your house because it really matters to you that the house is clean, or because you feel that if your house is dusty you are a Bad Selfish Lazy Woman and think that other people will think and say so too.
I do very little housework because I think it is an utter waste of time and energy: clean pants, clean plates, food and the occasional muck-out when I really can't see the carpet any more are perfectly adequate. This thing about men 'not seeing' dust etc is a simple matter of men not feeling it's their job to take care of the dust. There's no real reason why it should be anyone's job. And if your DH moans about mess, then it's up to him to clean it if he minds more than you do.

madamez - it's not like that at all - he's actually more domesticated than I am . He's very house proud, and always has been. When I first met him he lived on his own and the place was spotless - all the time!