I suspect I probably am.............

[TheIceQueen]

but I'm feeling rather p*ssed off.

I'm still on Maternity leave, so at home all day (apart from when busy with church stuff). DH "officially" works 37.5hrs a week mon-fri (occasionaly weekends - but not often) - but in reality it's more like 45 actually out of the house. Leaves around lunchtime and gets back around 9.30-10pm. Means I also have to do the whole after school/dinner/bath/bedtime stuff on my own 5 days a week. As well at the whole breakfast, school/nursery run etc.

He does the "early" night shift with DS3 - which often involved being awake for anything up to 2 1/2hrs with him! Because of that I do the "morning" routine with the 3 DS's and he gets up around 9.30-10am. He then has to sort out all his paperwork (despite the fact that this takes ages to do - and that's excluding his route planning which I do for him) which can take anything from 1/2 to 1 1/2hrs. He sometimes manages to take DS3 off me for 10 minutes or so, but depends on how busy he is.

Fast forward to weekends - in particular this weekend. Same thing on Friday night - he gets up with DS3 in the night, and gets up around 10. Still has paperwork from Friday work to do - fair enough it has to be sent off in the post. Then he usually pretty much takes over looking after the 3 DS's, bottles, nappy changes, gets their lunch (I still cook the dinner as I don't trust him ).

Today I have (started at 6am once I'd got DS3 settled to sleep again):

Done 1 1/2hrs of ironing, put it all away, done a load of washing (and hung on radiators to dry), cooked the dinner (well it's in the oven now), washed all the breakfast and lunch dishes (dishwasher is broken ), washed the bottles, entertained DS3 while he did his paperwork.
Oh - and managed to sit down and watch an episode of ER...
Later I'm going to hoover the living/dining room (long overdue ) and tidy up the bookcase which is used as a general dumping ground and which is threatening to chase me...as well as wash the stuff I used to cook dinner and the plates etc, and make up the bottles.

He has:

Done his paperwork - only took about 45 minutes this morning
Got the boys lunch (sandwiches and fruit)
Given DS3 his bottles and changed nappies (2)
Put DS3 up for his naps (very easy - we just pop him in the cot and leave him)
Organised DS1 and 2 sharing the PS2
Watched a movie
Is now making himself some lunch (yes I know it's dinner time - but he eats at odd hours in the week and if he tries to eat at "normal" times at the weekend it just doesn't work for him).

Later he'll bath DS2 and 3, and get DS1's shower ready
Possibly supervise DS3 attacking his portion of dinner
Take the DS's to bed (again like DS3 very easy - just upstairs, tuck them in, walk out.

I feel like he should at least of tried to help me do some of the housework......but at the same time I'm sure I'm being unreasonable - he has said he'll do some ironing tomorrow.....but seen as though there's only one load in the basket (which I washed and dried today) and most of it is socks and pants - there's virtually none to do..

I'm being unreasonable and hormonal aren't I???

yes i think you are - he sounds like a good hubby overall.

Can understand your point though and women do seem to get a rough deal overall as we are generally the ones who end up doing more, but...you say you do this 5 days a week - of course you do - its your job, just as your dh goes out to his job 5 days a week.

Hope you and dh have made up and enjoying that drink now

no - no drink - he's downstairs watching TV, I'm up here - did try sitting watching a movie on TV with him, but the silence was horrible so came upstairs.

nox - it's not my ONLY job - I have (paid) responsibilities at church too, and I do the housework 7 days a week.....

No doubt when I go back to work in Jan/Feb time things will remain the same at the weekends....

however - I must agree that he is a good DH overall......just fed up at the moment.....

sorely tempted to get the hoover out to finish off when I get up with DS3 at 4.30 though....as I won't be getting in his way.....

oh no icequeen - hate those silences - didnt know it had developed into that.

Sorry, hadn't read properly and didnt realise that you worked too, and that does change things - the housework should be shared at weekends in that case.

YANBU

Then change it.

Moaning about it isn't going to help you.

You could moan all day about dh not pulling his weight, but what good will it do unless you talk to him about it.

I have to say though that it looks to me like he does loads.

why not wait till he falls asleep on sofa watching the tele and then finish off the hoovering....or would that be unreasonable

Won't you wake the kids at 4.30am if you hoover?

oh yes - talk to him about it.......oh I can really see that working when despite my best efforts earlier to patch things up he just ignored me.....

Maybe he's just having an off weekend.....but I certainly don't think he did "loads" today

(ask me again next weekend and I'll probably be singing his praises........well I'd better be as I may be rather hung-over next Saturday )

So - in (semi) conclusion - yes I'm being very unreasonable in general - but not unreasonable about today (especially his strop over me hoovering the floor - which was disgusting - at the "wrong time")

lol nox - that would be unreasonable.

SS - meal would be lovely, but first we have to persaude DS3 to drink his milk from someone other than DH or I (he's happy to be held and cuddled and played with my others - but refuses his milk ), get some money, and find a free night......

MrsClaus - no DS3 will be wide awake and giggling, DS2 may hear it from their bedroom, but would just go back to sleep.......and DS1....I could hoover their bedroom and he wouldn't notice LOL

All of you saying "you don't know you're born" - jeez, what sort of households do you live in? What sort of downtrodden martyrs are you?!

QoQ, I think that if you live in a house and make clothes and plates dirty, you help wash them.

Got to go as guests arriving - will post more on subject another time! Suffice to say, no, you're not bu!

guests arriving???? at this time of night??

It's a tricky one. It does sound from your post as though the chores have been fairly equally distributed today, but it's very hard to quantify, and his chores do sound a bit lighter than yours (providing sandwiches and fruit for lunch as opposed to cooking dinner for example).

My feminist hackles are rising a little at all the "you don't know how good you've got it" posts. There are a number of studies (as if we didn't know anyway) showing that women still do the bulk of domestic work despite now doing also paid work outside the home. It may be that these posters, like most women, suffer an unfair distribution of labour in their own homes - this doesn't mean that you should as well.

Also it's worth remembering that most jobs whether inside the house or outside have a bit of downtime built in. I don't know what your dh does, but is it really that much more arduous than looking after three boys and running a household? I work part-time and it's not often that my paid work is harder/more tiring than my domestic work/childcare (and I've only got 1 dc).

Anyway I sympathise. I'm a very inefficient housekeeper and feel guilty about it most of the time, but at the same time harbour a sliver of suspicion that I really shouldn't be feeling like this (except when I've been on mumsnet too long of course - but then it's research isn't it?).

Think Madamez has a lot of good points even if they don't entirely reflect your experience. Would consider reviewing your ironing policy for a start. Do you really need to iron everything? It's fine if you're one of those people that enjoy it, or are happy to do it while you're watching TV, but otherwise I'd just do the bare minimum.

Have to say I've never ironed dp's shirts, and barring some kind of force majeur, I don't intend to.

BahHunkerBug - much better put than me!

ooo ArmouredBear - you post is very impressive......but too long and complex for me to reply to properly .

Just to say that your 4th paragraph probably sums up why I was feeling like that earlier (and now I'm really just annoyed at the hoovering malarky]

Oh, it's not that you don't know how good you've got it, just that it does seem that he does some things... not just come in & demand dinner & do nithing in the house.

For the last month dh has did the shopping, made dinner & put the kids to bed. He works from 8am to 6pm. He then comes home & starts cooking. I have final exams soon & all my time is taken up with work for that.

I do know how good I have it, but it's necessity that he does it, not just making my life easier.

Just because dh does all this doesn't mean that I can't moan every now & then though!!!! Just like you

Icequeen, can i suggest that you are simply tired and knackered and feeling a little resentful. Your DH does help out alot, but heavens i dont honestly know how people with ore than one little one cope. I think it is great that he looks after the children too, but yes it does seem that he could pick a hoover up once in a while.

On reflection, my DP does Fuck all housework, and honestly, tonight is the first time ive even given it any thought - probably because i do a bare minimum and our house is a pigsty. I do wish he would do the DIY though, that rather gets me down, but there is a reason that it doesnt get done and it is as follows. If my DP isnt working at the weekends we make a point of doing stuff together and i really think that you would benefit from doing the same.

My day today: Woke up late (first time since DD born that she has slept in til 9.30!!!!) Usually awake by 7 the latest. I had a bath and then saw to DD while DP had a bath (DD is 2.5) DP had already changed her nappy and dressed her, i took the clothes off the clothes horse and put another load on it, loaded the washing machine. Fed and played with the dog. Sat with DD for a bit while we watched underground ernie. Then DP got out of the bath, got DDs breakfast ready and i gave it to her. He made me tea and toast and some for himself, but didnt put the washing in the dishwasher (which thankfully hasnt broken, unlike the tumble dryer!).

Then we went out to buy shoes for DP, didnt get any, then spent the afternoon at soft play (im sure they could introduce this to guantanimo bay as a form of torture, this afternoon included full on cheesy party music, i swear if i hear YMCA once more im going to scream). Then DP decidecd he wanted kentuky so did a 15 mile round trip, but DD liked it so all is good. Went to shopping centre and bought nothing as shops closing. Came home, DD knackered and irritable, i felt sick with a migraine, DP played shops with DD over and over until neither of us could take anymore. I run DDs bath, DP bathed her while i changed our bedclothes. Then DP dressed and read to DD, i had to read another story and then DP came downstairs while i put her to bed (its a big deal in this house). By that time it was 9.30 and i came down to find DP hadnt tidied up, but you know what, it will still be there in the morning - we got ourselves all comfy to watch the big fight, only to be pissed off because AmirKhan knocked his opponent out in 72 seconds. Now he is watching back to the sodding future, i coudlnt take that, so here i am.

The housework will still be there on monday. Its only a bit of dust! Oh, and i dont own an iron.

I do totally understand your point but i really dont think that housework should take precidence over our families, but it does seem for many people it does. I have friends who tell me about their days and how they do cleaning when the children go to bed - stuff that for a game of soggy sandwiches. Sometimes the mess gets me down and i have a blitz, swear alot and do it, but othertimes, i just ignore ignore ignore.

I would certainly not want the pattern you describe to continue once you return to work, but that is easily avoided, get a cleaner. Clearly that is not an option now, as with us, it would be out of the question right now.

Give your man a cuddle, dont fester, its only housework, no one is going to die if they have to wear a creased shirt. But do say to him that you think he is a wonderful dad but you could do with a bit of help with the practicalities at the weekend. Oh, and if he dares say anything about your hoovering logistics, he is going to need surgery to remove said hoover

well he does expect his dinner ready when he comes home from work..........but I guess I can understand than given that he comes in around 10pm

oooo I've just thought of another little bugbear of mine while I'm at it.....money being tight and all that if he doesn't get a decent bonus in any given month then he only have just enough money to pay the bills that he pays, and have enough left over for petrol for work etc..

I have a "set" income and usually have a little spare for "extra" stuff that may crop up. However quite often the extra money in my account is handed over to DH for his "petrol"......and then he waltzes in with a 4 pack of Fosters and Lemonade to make himself Shandy's!!! (leaving me with less money to spend on little things for myself)......

Ok I'm not really too bothered about that - certainly not enough to make it an issue with him - but one of those things that now I've said it (to someone) I feel ok about it

oooo lucy x posts with you - yet another sensible post .

Haven't been downstairs since 9.45.......so think I may just pop downstairs and see if he's talking to me yet.......but I promise to leave the hoover in the cupboard under the stairs.

Gosh isn't good just to moan sometimes

I wonder, is it possible to be tired and knackered at the same time??

Yes, its good to moan, and what better place than Mnet I love moaning me.

The only thing that would piss me off about the shandy is the shite beer! And i would expect two of the four cans to be for me!

Icequeen - sorry didn't mean to turn it into an essay . I have a bit of a problem with the length of my sentences.

Lucyellensmum your post makes me happy .

Yes, guests arriving - six of 'em - was up till 3, drinking wine and tea and eating biscuits - luvverly!

Will ponder this and write more later though.