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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to want a wedding anymore?

47 replies

Tryingtobe123 · 10/10/2021 10:13

So me and my partner have been together for 8 years. We have a gorgeous 6 month old baby boy

We’d planned to get married during the pandemic (nearly booked the venue a week before the first lockdown) so the excitement and rush has kind of gone for both of us cos we’ve been in limbo for so long!

Now we’ve set a date for next year, sent out a handful of save the dates but only to close friends and family. We’re about to view and fully confirm and pay the deposit on the venue this weekend.

But we were talking last night and we both just feel so over the whole wedding thing. I just want a ring on my finger and to be his wife and he feels exactly the same. We’re not hard up for money, but we think spending money on something just for other people to enjoy when we’re not bothered ourselves seems silly.

Is it incredibly selfish if we just go and do it one month at a registry office and organise a family meal somewhere afterwards?

Note - the save the dates we have sent are to very very close friends and family who would totally understand. We haven’t sent anymore until we’d 100% confirmed on the venue. (The venue was holding the date for us until we could go and run through the details)

OP posts:
OwlinaTree · 10/10/2021 10:15

Don't spend money on a big wedding if you don't want one. The meal to celebrate sounds like a lovely idea.

Aurorie11 · 10/10/2021 10:16

How many have you sent save the dates to? Could you do a registry office with them, and a meal after in a month's time?

Notaroadrunner · 10/10/2021 10:18

Just do it the way you want to. If you are having a family meal after the ceremony then that is perfect.

PullTheWeeds · 10/10/2021 10:19

I would. A meal sounds lovely.

We've been together for 15 years now and the main reason we've not got around to marrying is stress about guest lists, snubbing people or spending too much to include everyone who maybe wouldn't even want to go anyway ha! Organising a big event is not my thing, the thought fills me with dread. But people would have to travel far and I feel like the day has to be worth all the travel and expense they would go to. Arghhh.

Anyway, not about me sorry, if this is how you feel, then a ceremony and lovely meal out after sounds ideal.

VeganCheesePlease · 10/10/2021 10:19

We had a small wedding. I think the whole thing cost about 2 grand. Zero regrets. Do what works for you both. A small day makes us no less married than a big day.

MrsSkylerWhite · 10/10/2021 10:20

Not selfish at all, pragmatic and sensible. Your family unit is your priority now and weddings are expensive.

VeganCheesePlease · 10/10/2021 10:20

Sorry I worded mine wrong- a small wedding makes us no less married than a big wedding. It will still be a big special day for you both no matter what you do.

BashfulClam · 10/10/2021 10:20

This is what we did, we just went to a cottage together and goy married on a beach. As we are in Scotland we were able to get married outdoors. We came home and had a family meal.

Stormystar · 10/10/2021 10:21

That sounds perfect, it your day , and your day only. If I could turn back time I would definitely go for something much smaller and more suited for us both instead of a big do to please everyone else x

HalfShrunkMoreToGo · 10/10/2021 10:22

Do it howe er you want, a wedding is just a party, you want the marriage which doesn't require a party.

We went to Vegas just me and DH, then we booked out a pub, put some money behind the bar, got a big, medium and small chocolate cake from Tesco and stacked them, put out a big homemade buffet, had a friend DJ and just had a night of fun. No speeches, no fancy clothes, no traditions or ceremony. We wanted to treat our close friends and family to a fun night out so did that.

Gerwurtztraminer · 10/10/2021 10:23

Of course it's not selfish. It's about being married and your life together as a couple, not the wedding. Do what feels right for you.

People who care for you should be happy for you. Those that aren't are the selfish ones.

ftw163532 · 10/10/2021 10:33

Is it incredibly selfish if we just go and do it one month at a registry office and organise a family meal somewhere afterwards?

What definition of "selfish" are you using here? Confused

A wedding is not a public service, I don't see what selfishness has got to do with the decision.

starrynight21 · 10/10/2021 10:40

That's what we did , it was lovely. We're in Australia - you can get married anywhere. We did it in the garden of our local "nice restaurant" and then had 18 for lunch inside. Just as we wanted it. All up, it cost a little less than a thousand , including everyone's meals and a little cake which DH had secretly bought . You do what you want to do, and have a lovely day.

MintyGreenDream · 10/10/2021 10:43

One of the nicest weddings I've been to was registry office then to a smart hotel for a meal and drinks until late.

gannett · 10/10/2021 10:46

Your plan sounds lovely and you're both on the same page. It'll be what you want as a couple and it'll still be very special. Friends and family will understand!

Quire · 10/10/2021 10:47

Of course you’re not unreasonable. We just did it on our lunch break with two witnesses, as neither of us had the remotest interest in organising a full-on wedding, plus we have huge immediate families, all of whom would have been travelling from overseas. Never have a wedding for other people.

Fdksyihfd · 10/10/2021 10:48

Why would it be selfish? I wanted 15 people in a registry office and a champagne lunch; our parents would have been there so not depriving them of seeing us get married. DH is much more social than me so we ended up with a bigger thing but I’d of been fine with the smaller one and other peoples views wouldn’t have bothered me

WellLarDeDar · 10/10/2021 10:51

Do it the way you want to do it. As long as you're sure you won't look back and wish you'd had that party with your friends and family. It's your life you should do things the way you want them. :)

PinkiOcelot · 10/10/2021 10:53

It’s great that you both feel the same. There’s nothing selfish about what you want to do. Just go for that.

StCharlotte · 10/10/2021 10:56

@BashfulClam

This is what we did, we just went to a cottage together and goy married on a beach. As we are in Scotland we were able to get married outdoors. We came home and had a family meal.
Were you the lady who was looking for a tartan wedding dress?
alwayswrighty · 10/10/2021 10:59

We had 8 people at our wedding in a registry office and then went for a meal at a nice hotel. No regrets, nice chilled event although I did get too drunk

CelebrateAndDream · 10/10/2021 11:00

Oh OP! You are not at all selfish!

I'm an independent celebrant and have spoken to many couples in your position who have done just what you're describing ♥️ I've helped them to create their perfect ceremony in a place that has a special place in their hearts (beach, woods, garden and so on). You do you!

I did a ceremony yesterday by a riverside in Lincolnshire, with stepping stones across the river...16 guests and a hand fasting IN the river...all (including me!) wearing wellies 🤣🥰 It was beautiful, quirky and incredibly personal to the couple.

They went on after the ceremony to have a basket picnic in a nearby barn on a local farm, with friends playing live music...it all looked lovely ♥️

Good luck and congratulations in whatever you decide 💐

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/10/2021 11:01

"Is it incredibly selfish if we just go and do it one month at a registry office and organise a family meal somewhere afterwards?"

Not selfish at all.

I sometimes think that the weddings industry (and it is an industry!) has been so successful in convincing it's almost like we've been hypnotised. I married 20+ years ago and the story being pushed was that 'there must be special expensive clothes, flowers, stationery, venue, entertainment blah blah blah'. Since then it's moved ever-more swivel-eyed; convincing people that hen/stag nights must be weekends in exotic locations, the reception must have chocolate fountains, photo booths, horse-drawn carriages, money, money, money or you don't care. It's madness.

I think your plan sounds lovely and personal. That is what matters, that you celebrate your marriage with your nearest and dearest at a time of your joint choosing; not that you have an expensive formal and inevitably less personal event.

Justilou1 · 10/10/2021 11:14

You’re not selfish!!! A Bridezilla who expects her “friends” to donate their time to cater to her every whim for the 12 months leading up to “Her Big Day” and has tantrums about every damn detail, expects everyone to remortgage to go on stupid drunken holidays (where bad shit ALWAYS happens), where she gets to bully her friends about their hair, weight, relationship status and fertility, etc… THEN demand more money from guests… THAT’S Selfish.

Turkishangora · 10/10/2021 11:18

I had a massive wedding 16 years ago mainly to please my mother. If I was doing it now it would be completely different, no hen do, very small, no hassle. YANBU. Weddings are generally a nightmare, I've only really ever enjoyed a couple I've been to and I think a lot of people feel the same.