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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU not to want a wedding anymore?

47 replies

Tryingtobe123 · 10/10/2021 10:13

So me and my partner have been together for 8 years. We have a gorgeous 6 month old baby boy

We’d planned to get married during the pandemic (nearly booked the venue a week before the first lockdown) so the excitement and rush has kind of gone for both of us cos we’ve been in limbo for so long!

Now we’ve set a date for next year, sent out a handful of save the dates but only to close friends and family. We’re about to view and fully confirm and pay the deposit on the venue this weekend.

But we were talking last night and we both just feel so over the whole wedding thing. I just want a ring on my finger and to be his wife and he feels exactly the same. We’re not hard up for money, but we think spending money on something just for other people to enjoy when we’re not bothered ourselves seems silly.

Is it incredibly selfish if we just go and do it one month at a registry office and organise a family meal somewhere afterwards?

Note - the save the dates we have sent are to very very close friends and family who would totally understand. We haven’t sent anymore until we’d 100% confirmed on the venue. (The venue was holding the date for us until we could go and run through the details)

OP posts:

Champersandchocolate · 10/10/2021 11:31

@Tryingtobe123 Same for us. There aren't many special places to go to when you want a "just the two of us" wedding. Not sure where you are located but we have agreed on the Chewton Glen, treehouse. Just us and the kids, the registrar can marry us in the licensed treehouse. We can't wait..

bollocksthemess · 10/10/2021 11:32

I had a massive wedding in July. I didn’t want a wedding, I hate being the centre of attention and I’m a massive introvert, but my husband was so excited for a big party with all his friends and family, so I decided I could suck it up for one day.

I organised the whole thing in 5 weeks after we saw the end of restrictions on weddings looming. It cost about £30K, even with saving loads of money on the dress/band/DJ/flowers/hair/cake which were all provided by friends.
It was a disgusting amount of money but we had built up a huge amount of savings and although it made a dent, it didn’t wipe
us out.

Objectively it was a great wedding. My husband was thrilled to bits and I’m glad I could do that for him. His friends are still talking about it. Even my dad liked it, and he’s like me and hates social occasions.

However if I could have done it with just our families with a quiet ceremony and a nice dinner I would have in a second. I don’t regret it as I look at it as a gift I gave to my husband, but I would have preferred to do it differently.

officecat · 10/10/2021 11:32

We did the exact same thing just three days ago 😄 we are both so happy with our four-person wedding. There were a few people who were pretty shocked and I think a little sad that they didn’t get to share our day, but for the majority of our friends and family, they were just overjoyed for us. Enjoy your wedding whatever you decide to do

Hattie765 · 10/10/2021 11:34

Just do what you want, it's your day and no-one else gets a say.

RosesAndHellebores · 10/10/2021 11:34

The most sensible wedding post I've ever seen on MNet op.

Just get married. Have a small party to celebrate.

DigOlBick · 10/10/2021 11:35

That exactly what we’re doing. We have cancelled our big wedding next year and are getting married this Christmas just us and two witnesses. We’ve asked a few close family members to join us for a meal after. It’s going to be perfect!

DrManhattan · 10/10/2021 11:37

Do what you want. No one else will care (I don't mean that in a bad way!) Everyone has so much going on with their own lives.
From my experience those big showy weddings are more about the day than the actual marriage....

TakeYourFinalPosition · 10/10/2021 11:41

We had paid our deposit when lockdown 1 came, but had this same feeling. DHs parents kicked off about it… so we went for a half way house, a sort of medium sized wedding.

I wish we’d stuck to our guns. I had a lovely day, but I regret that we didn’t save the money. A few of the “essential” people his parents needed to have there didn’t come, and a year or so later, it’s a lovely memory but we’d have had just as much fun with a registry office and small meal afterwards, and we’d have a lot more of our savings left

EL1984 · 10/10/2021 11:47

Do what would make you happy. We had a big wedding in 2019 about 3hrs away in a nice location in the countryside.
Was six months of stress organising, trips to go to the church 6 times. I didnt relax on the day, the caterers and serving staff were rubbish so I was just worried about everything the whole time. Literally didn't feel the slightest bit romantic, it was like I was working or something 😅
I think our guests had a good time... I hope. BTW I love going to other people's big weddings.
If you do have the big wedding, get a wedding coordinator!!!

BlanketPiggy · 10/10/2021 11:49

Is it incredibly selfish if we just go and do it one month at a registry office and organise a family meal somewhere afterwards? well it selfish in that you are thinking of what you'd like but that is the point of a wedding day! It's about you two having the day you'd like. You're not unreasonably demanding people spend a fortune so there's no issue there. I'd say go for it. I went to a wedding like this once and it was perfect for the couple and had such a relaxed atmosphere.

BlanketPiggy · 10/10/2021 11:51

The only thing I'd be mindful of is if for example parents are paying and they've given you more than it costs then I'd offer the difference back but.

Bells3032 · 10/10/2021 11:55

The most important part of a wedding is the marriage after. What's the point in having a big party if its not gonna make you happy? Go to the registry office and have a nice meal with the nearest and dearest and who else cares. You said your loved ones will understand so who are you trying to please?

And this is coming from someone who had a 250 person wedding....

GoingOutOutNEVER · 10/10/2021 11:56

Could you invite your friends/family to a party after the ceremony. Have the intimate ceremony with witnesses then a party to celebrate with everyone?

meadowbleu · 10/10/2021 11:57

Reverse the question. Is it selfish of you to organise and have the wedding day you both want, or is it selfish of guests to expect your wedding day to suit what they want?

We have a family wedding being planned at the moment. Neither the bride nor the groom are comfortable with being the centre of attention, so it's going to be a very small and intimate celebration of the event and everyone else needs to be on board about that.

PooWillyNameChange · 10/10/2021 11:58

We had a registry office wedding then Thai, 8 guests, paid off 20k of the mortgage instead. No regrets!

Frazzled2207 · 10/10/2021 12:05

Sounds lovely. As you have sent save the dates though I would still invite people that you sent that to, to the meal. But by all means bring it forward just make it clear that the date “saved” no longer needs saving.

Frazzled2207 · 10/10/2021 12:06

Bear in mind you will need two witnesses for the wedding. I’d be tempted to include both sets of parents.

CelebrateAndDream · 10/10/2021 12:08

@GoingOutOutNEVER

Could you invite your friends/family to a party after the ceremony. Have the intimate ceremony with witnesses then a party to celebrate with everyone?

It's the party after that costs money...which is what the OP says that she's finding difficult to justify when she actually doesn't want to do that. Not that she's not got the money, just finding it hard to justify doing the whole big party when she literally doesn't want a big party. She wants a small intimate celebration and the ring on her finger.

justhaveagingerbiscuit · 10/10/2021 12:43

This is what we did. Parents and siblings only. Registry office and a meal after. Best day ever and I’d do it again in a flash.

honeylulu · 10/10/2021 12:49

You both agree that a small simple wedding to achieve the objective of being married is what you want - fantastic! That is definitely what you should do and I hope it's great. It isn't really anyone else's business but if you're treating your nearest and dearest to a celebration meal then that is lovely.

CeceJoyce · 10/10/2021 13:13

My husband and I decided to get married abroad and we didn’t invite anyone. Our families completely understood but were also a little sad but they supported us. I just wanted to be married and I didn’t want to throw a big wedding party. I think it’s your day and it has to be what you want whatever that looks like…

Frazzled2207 · 10/10/2021 13:17

I have friends who felt similarly and gathered families together for a birthday celebration at a posh restaurant and organised for a registrar to come along and marry them. No one else knew.

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