Because I left my partner?

[NikkiBK]

Posting here for traffic. I've just left my fiancee.

I was sexually abused as a child, by a non family member, and for years I was able to disassociate from it, until recently. I can no longer stomach the idea of being intimate. I hadn't had sex with my partner in 3 months because it makes me feel seedy and wrong. I think I'm scared of men. We'd be in bed at night and he'd spooning me and he'd put his hand up my top and touch me, even after I told him why I didn't want to do any sexy stuff with him. I'd moved hours away from home, to live in the city where he lives, and effectively isolated myself.

So I left yesterday. I told him I need to get help, but won't find myself in a position to do so until I'm surrounded by family and friends in a place I know and feel safe. I also told him that I'm not out to make his life difficult and he can see our son whenever he likes, but it's most logical that DS come with me, as my partner works all sorts of night shifts, late shifts, 12 hour shifts etc, whereas my job is done from home. I told him I'll never call myself a single mum, because I'm not, our boy still has a Dad and that won't change.

Can someone please tell me if I'm an awful person.

You’re not an awful person. You’re a person dealing with terrible trauma. Your fiancé was wrong to cross your boundaries when you had told him how you were feeling, I’m not surprised you felt you needed space from him and a place of safety.

I hope you’re able to get the help you need. You deserve to feel safe and happy

Can your fiance not support you while you while you get this help? You're supposed to be a partnership. Also, I think you're unfair moving his child away from him unnecessarily. I think its great you want to get help and be surrounded by friends and family but you're punishing him by leaving him behind and taking his child. He's supposed to be your family too.

I know he crossed boundaries but it must be difficult for him too.

You’re not awful at all; your fiancé is. He shouldn’t ever have touched you without your consent especially knowing what you were going through. Can you find a good therapist or some counselling? Be very kind to yourself

@Seriallover As his idea of support is sexually assault, I think the op can do without that

@Seriallover

I know he crossed boundaries but it must be difficult for him too.

She hasn't disputed that it'll be difficult for him but it's probably not as difficult as being sexually assaulted by the one person you should be able to trust, when you're struggling with the trauma of past sexual abuse.

@Seriallover

Can your fiance not support you while you while you get this help? You're supposed to be a partnership. Also, I think you're unfair moving his child away from him unnecessarily. I think its great you want to get help and be surrounded by friends and family but you're punishing him by leaving him behind and taking his child. He's supposed to be your family too.

He’s not likely to offer much support when he sexually assaulted her, is he?

@Seriallover

I know he crossed boundaries but it must be difficult for him too.

Oh ffs!

No, YANBU. Go be with your family and friends, I'm sorry you're going through this.

Have you actually explained to him that you will never have sex with him again? Presumably you had an active sexual relationship in order to conceive your child. You are being told that he has assaulted you but does he know that your relationship is over?

This is not meant to be goady but this post got me thinking...where is the line in a married/committed couple re consent. Ie when does affection become sexual assault? Should we be asking our partners if they will allow a kiss/cuddle before we proceed even if you've been together for years because presumably if you don't want a kiss and you get one then you've been assaulted. I do understand with OP she said she didn't want to be intimate and DP tried to initiate something so I'm not necessarily talking about this particular scenario. And to be clear I'm not minimising assault at all just wondering where the goalposts are really.

@ImprobablePuffin

This is not meant to be goady but this post got me thinking...where is the line in a married/committed couple re consent. Ie when does affection become sexual assault? Should we be asking our partners if they will allow a kiss/cuddle before we proceed even if you've been together for years because presumably if you don't want a kiss and you get one then you've been assaulted. I do understand with OP she said she didn't want to be intimate and DP tried to initiate something so I'm not necessarily talking about this particular scenario. And to be clear I'm not minimising assault at all just wondering where the goalposts are really.

You stop when they say no surely that's obvious? She said no he touched her anyway that's wrong

Whilst I don’t think you are wrong I don’t think he is wrong for not wanting to be in a sexless relationship so yes I think you did the right thing.

@Theunamedcat I'm not arguing there. It was just a pondering really. Like if you say you don't want to be intimate and you say it once, should your partner then not come near you at all for an undetermined period of time or might they think you just meant at that particular moment? Sorry I'm not explaining myself well at all and I'm not defending any behaviour, it was just a thought process.

I do feel a bit sorry for your partner - presumably you'd been having sex with him, then just stopped? Must be difficult for him to get used to.

But he should have respected your boundaries. If you feel you need somewhere safe to have counselling and explore your feelings, then of course you should do that.

Do you think you'll get back with your partner afterwards?

Yes poor man
Ffs

No wonder the rape conviction rate is almost 0 with commentators like this

[quote ImprobablePuffin]@Theunamedcat I'm not arguing there. It was just a pondering really. Like if you say you don't want to be intimate and you say it once, should your partner then not come near you at all for an undetermined period of time or might they think you just meant at that particular moment? Sorry I'm not explaining myself well at all and I'm not defending any behaviour, it was just a thought process. [/quote]
If your partner tells you they don’t want to be intimate while they process sexual abuse then damn right you don’t try and instigate something until they tell you they want too.
Especially by touching them physically by sticking your hand up their top.

@ImprobablePuffin

This is not meant to be goady but this post got me thinking...where is the line in a married/committed couple re consent. Ie when does affection become sexual assault? Should we be asking our partners if they will allow a kiss/cuddle before we proceed even if you've been together for years because presumably if you don't want a kiss and you get one then you've been assaulted. I do understand with OP she said she didn't want to be intimate and DP tried to initiate something so I'm not necessarily talking about this particular scenario. And to be clear I'm not minimising assault at all just wondering where the goalposts are really.

Your question is one of the goadiest I’ve ever seen on here.

I hope the OP has support elsewhere because some of the responses on here are shameful.

I think the only thing you may have done 'wrong' is take your son away from his father. But people do that all the time.

I hope you receive the help and support you need OP

People break up all of the time regardless of background, so of course you’ve done nothing wrong.

However you say you want to move back with your family for support. Would it not be better to have support from him too?

Could he.move to the same area.as.you are moving to and Live separately for a bit while you work it through? Jobs are easier to move right at the mo so it might be timely.

@ImprobablePuffin I totally get what you’re saying, and have wondered the same.

I think there are two separate issues, however much they affect each other.

1. YANBU to leave your partner for whatever reason and your reason is unassailable. Of course it's vital that you get the help you need to deal with the abuse you suffered and move forward.

1. YABU to immediately move many hours away with DS with - from what you've put - no discussion/negotiation about this first. I hear you about the family/friends but you are a mum now with DS to consider and it's not right to just say he still has a dad. How would you feel if DP took DS that far from you and expected you to be okay with it? You've managed this long away from your family, and indeed it's an odd angle to say you feel safe among the people who were presumably around while the abuse was going on. As the main carer, I can see why you've gone this route but it can't be a unilateral decision. He may have come up with childcare solutions and argued that you could have focused on self-care better without sole responsibility for DS. Was there really no middle way where you, say, took a break back in your home town alone and then negotiated a new set-up where you rented your own place nearer to (ex)DP so that you could co-parent together?

Exactly what @Pinkdelight3 said.

Find to break up.

Not fine to basically do a midnight flit when you’re a parent and no one is in danger.

Your son has a right to a close relationship with his father whatever is or isn’t going on between the two of you. So you’re very wrong to just remove him from his dad to move hours away with absolutely no notice and no plan for how they’ll maintain their relationship.

Your poor child.

YANBU