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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL help!

28 replies

Mumscot · 08/10/2021 23:05

My in laws have never seemed to be interested in helping/looking after first grandchild. I spent his first year really upset when they did next to nothing (and they were our only contact due to lockdown bubbles). If I was really desperate eg. He was ill after injections they came to me once and brought some Nurofen (I made them tea and they stayed until he calmed down for half an hour then left). My child has never slept, had horrendous colic and I was back working at 6 weeks as I work for my family business. My family live 7 hours away but my mum helps as much as she can and is the only one who looks after him overnight. They have babysat once for two hours and have refused invites to park/farm/never cooked us a meal etc. My mil has said things like I don’t do newborns and does play with him but gives him back first sound of winge etc and never offers any help. I gave up caring when they refused to come to his first bday party or even just pop back for the cake. We thought they just weren’t interested and that fine (we didn’t expect regular childcare etc but they did go a bit mad when we put him
Into nursery at 10 months as that’s too young apparently but then didn’t offer- I was honestly on the verge of a mental breakdown at that point so it had to happen).

Now after all that and me making peace with it mil angrily had an outburst to my parents when they were all together without us saying that we’ve made a rod for our own back with his sleeping as we don’t let her or sil near him and she is perfectly capable.

Can anyone give me some ideas where to go from here?? I can’t even understand where it would come from I’ve literally cried at the fact I’m so alone with no support. Every time they suggest something to do with him we jump at the chance even if it doesn’t suit because we feel like it’s so rare and they are making an effort. I have dragged her to the park and soft play once each and before his bday I used fo pop round with him so he can get out the house and see them. I can’t even understand how she can say it so if someone can give me another perspective that would be great!

Otherwise I just feel like I’ve got someone telling me I’ve done something I haven’t, it’s driving a wedge between me and my husband (who works for them) and for her to tell my parents that angry outburst or not it seems like she’s turning everyone against me but maybe I’m thinking she’s more malicious than she is. Feel like I’m going crazy!

OP posts:

capercaillie · 08/10/2021 23:06

Was 2007…not 1997

Original poster

Mumscot · 08/10/2021 23:13

Also the revelation that we don’t let them near him came the week of one of my Grans funeral and wedding anniversary. The sil has the same anniversary (she got married after us course she chose same weekend 🤷🏻‍♀️). Not a word from any of them about either sorry for your loss or happy anniversary- but I do know they got a painting commissioned for sil’s date 🤣🤣🤣 maybe they are just awful 🙈

OP posts:

Howshouldibehave · 08/10/2021 23:17

@capercaillie

Was 2007…not 1997

What was 2007?!

Are you the OP?

Dillydollydingdong · 08/10/2021 23:25

Can you not have a chat with her to clear the air? You're upset because they don't seem to want to help, but she seems to think you don't want her or sil involved at all. Invite them round for tea (scones with jam and cream, nothing fancy). This could all be based on a misunderstanding.

Spongeboob · 08/10/2021 23:45

You're alone with no support... where is DH in all of this? He's the other parent.

Original poster

Mumscot · 08/10/2021 23:50

I am thinking along the chat lines (but dreading it!) and they did say “we” don’t let them near him so I guess it’s both of us I’m just assuming it’s me she’s got the problem with as that’s how it comes across when she looks at me. Husband works long hours for them (although she owns it MIL doesn’t work) which makes everything more complicated.

OP posts:

PikachuAndMe · 09/10/2021 02:10

They don't have to help you or look after your child. You and your husband are responsible for that. You sound quite entitled and bitter.

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 09/10/2021 02:21

I sympathize, OP. My own mother died when I was pregnant with dd1 and I wanted to embrace MIL (FIN died previously), but....She wasn't into it. Didn't want to come for Christmas because "the trains don't know what they're doing. We brought her on holiday and she told DH "don't bring me on holiday again!" I love her. She is fine with me and loved the kids, but in small doses. It's kinda freeing to owe her nothing. My dad LOVES our kids and is a big presence in their lives. I just have to accept that this is what she wants . We see her maybe 3 times a year and thats fine. Maybe it's not what I would have wanted, but it's up to her. I have friends whose MILs make their life he'll- at least I don't have that! She is lovely, but it's her who is ultimately missing out.

PurpleOkapi · 09/10/2021 02:45

Did you ever invite them just to spend time with him, to enjoy playing with him while you continued doing all the parenting work? Or were all of your invitations overt or ill-concealed requests for them to come "help" with him?

Zanina · 09/10/2021 03:08

Sounds like she didn't want to look like she had abandoned you in the absence of your parents, so she put the blame on you for trying to do it all alone and made herself look like she is not valued. Guessing your parents didn't say anything on the spot then later suggest to you that you involve them more? Mil job done. Whatever you do, don't let in laws or anyone cause arguments between husband and wife. Protect your marriage from these squabbles as they will come and go x

1forAll74 · 09/10/2021 03:25

Why do you wan't to have help from the MIL, It's not anyone's duty to do things for you, except a partner/Husband. You seem to not like your Mil, you maybe should try and create some nice harmony within the family, and see if things improve then. Forget any iffy comments from the mil, and be the better person all the time.

EKGEMS · 09/10/2021 03:35

@PikachuAndMe She most certainly doesn't come across entitled and bitter. OP your MIL is a piece of work to have an outburst like that while you're recently bereaved is shocking. Could your spouse not work for the family business? It sounds way too enmeshed

seaandsandcastles · 09/10/2021 04:09

YABU. Your child is your responsibility, nobody else’s. You shouldn’t be expecting/hinting for them to be helping with him.

It sounds like they’ve never had time to just enjoy him without you wanting them there to “help”.

Peoniesandpeaches · 09/10/2021 04:37

@1forAll74

So MIL gets to behave badly bad mouthing the OP but she’s meant to just suck it up? Well that sounds like a load of crap.

HannaHanna · 09/10/2021 04:37

Your parents should not have repeated this to you.

Since you were not there you don’t really know the tone or context.

You could try asking her “my parents said you and sil would love to have more time with Baby! Is that right? If so let’s set something up!”

Offmyfence · 09/10/2021 05:10

Lots going on here, you're under a lot of pressure.

Why did you go back to work at six weeks? I get it's a family business but you're still entitled to maternity pay surely?

You put your DC into nursery at 10 months, were you trying to work from home with a baby before that?

Why were your parents and in laws who live seven hours away together without you?

Your husband also works for his parents?

It sounds all consuming, you sound exhausted and I think you need to step back from both families and try and obtain independent work.

Neither family are treating you well, six weeks maternity leave is unacceptable IMO. You'd be treated better if employed elsewhere.

Original poster

Mumscot · 09/10/2021 10:11

Thanks everyone this is really great to get different ideas and perspectives. Returned to work early because of COVID and my Dad (who was covering my mat leave) had a serious heart attack. Yes was trying to do everything before he went to nursery - first baby didn’t realise this is impossible especially on no sleep. Yes both work for our parents it’s really tough to be so involved work and life and after lots of tough times over the last year we are both better at sharing load and he’s realised he can’t just say his mum will do it instead of him.

I’ve asked her to help me twice in a year- after his injections and once when I was really ill and my husband asked her as he wouldn’t take time off- he now realises he should have. So when she does spend time with ds it’s has always been fun playing and no strings at all. I haven’t ever asked overnight etc or babysitting because she’s never offered and didn’t think she was interested plus he is a terrible sleeper and I wouldn’t put a night like that on anyone unless they volunteered- which is why I was shocked she was saying it was our fault and we don’t let them near him 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:

SilverTotoro · 09/10/2021 10:42

I’d Call her bluff. Message her and say your parents had let you know about the conversation and apologise. Say you thought that they weren’t keen on helping as they’d said they didn’t do newborns but now your realise they’re keen to help you’ll very happily take them up on that offer and to ask when they’re free for babysitting!

Billandben444 · 09/10/2021 10:48

You could try asking her “my parents said you and sil would love to have more time with Baby! Is that right? If so let’s set something up!”
This is spot on, no passive aggression or wounded feelings, just a fresh start for you all.

SammyScrounge · 09/10/2021 14:46

@PikachuAndMe

They don't have to help you or look after your child. You and your husband are responsible for that. You sound quite entitled and bitter.

She needed a little help with the baby. Young mothers usually do. And grandparents are usually eager to help.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 09/10/2021 16:09

@Zanina

this. Also It was a wise decision to use a nursery to get some obligation-free help to ease the pressure on you.

girlmom21 · 09/10/2021 16:37

You asked her for help twice and she helped both times? Is that correct?

If so, she almost certainly didn't want to overstep.

Your parents only repeated this to you for a reaction. It was mean of them to do so.

You do sound really entitled. Who needs help with one baby because they've had some injections? Really?

user1493494961 · 09/10/2021 16:57

Try and sort your DS's sleep, you'll feel much better in yourself then.

ITakeCharge · 09/10/2021 17:10

OP is getting a lot of responses about being entitled & shouldn't expect people to help - fair enough up to a point but she did go back to work earlier than most people do with a baby that wasn't sleeping. That must have been exhausting for her and while it may be unreasonable to "expect" help, it clearly would have been appreciated had it been offered, which it wasn't. Then the inlaws complaining the child went to nursery - not their business especially if they are not offering other options.
The bit that strikes me is the inlaws refusing invitations, outings etc and then complaining they never get to see the child when it sounds as if they have declined repeated opportunities to do so.

I don't think OP sounds entitled. I think she would have liked more support but when it wasn't offered either got on with things or arranged formal childcare, which is fine.
The inlaws don't sound as if they want to be involved much or even to be that interested - again, fine, their choice. So to me the unreasonable bit is the inlaws complaining they don't get to see the child & criticizing OP's childcare choices. I would not be bending over backwards to appease people like that. I would be civil but let them make all the running from now on.

EKGEMS · 09/10/2021 17:33

@ITakeCharge Perfectly written post

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