To feel stressed over his depression

[Twixtwirl]

My boyfriend and I have been together a few months but we're real close for a year before that. So he's been a constant in my life for 16 months now. We have a good bond but are very opposite which has actually made us work.

He suffers with depression. Has done for years and years. Runs in his family. Lots of bipolar and depression.

Today he has cancelled me staying over tonight because he's down and feels horrible. Doesn't feel happy or comfortable and Would not feel up to "hosting". Fair enough. But this is the 3rd time in 2 months his depression has put him like this and today for the first time I feel crushed and down myself. I have 2 young children and we've been discussing this week moving in next year. We've talked about our future and all was looking good. But 2 days ago something happened due to a dishonest friend illegally taking a car out in his name and he ended up with fines through his door and no idea that the vehicle was in his name. So its spiralled his depression and he's shut down again.

I get myself in trouble most times he's low. Because it makes me question us. It makes me question the long term. I am very understanding and always offer help such as food shopping. Cooking. 24/7 here on the phone. I offer to listen. I try and do little thoughtful things like send him some supplies or get him something to provide a little comfort. I do care. But it's starting to get me down. I feel sad. It seems like he has a few good weeks then back to this.

I've just cancelled my childcare for tonight. I'm sat here now with no plans and rightly or wrong I'm feeling sad and disappointed. I've messaged him and said to him I love him so much but I think he needs to think about what is really best and if a relationship is the right thing at the moment. He told me not to do this. I called him and checked he was OK OK asked what he was doing. I tried to explain. He said he just needed time whilst he felt so terrible. I said I understood and explained to him i was struggling as this was the 3rd time in 2 months he's needed to be alone. He said we will still be happy and it will be OK. I said I know but how long will you be feeling low this time. He asked to get off the phone at that point.

I feel so terrible because I love him so much but its becoming more and more frequent. I feel like half the time he is struggling and I'm waiting. Inside I'm frustrated because I want to be enjoying life and happy not always disappointed. He doesn't want to split up but I don't understand why he even wants this? Surely he can't be bothered with a relationship right now?

Am I lacking in understanding? I really love him and when he's happy it's great. But these lows are starting to grind me down..

I dont understand how do you get yourself in trouble when hes having a down spell?

@Coop80 I think OP means its starting to trigger off a negative thought process that is upsetting. Hence it's trouble.

OP I don't think YABU. You want a relationship where the other person is available whereas your current DP is just not managing that. Although you care about each other, perhaps both your needs aren't really aligning and the relationship isn't really meeting both of your needs?

You either accept him as he is, or he tries to get better treatment. This is what it's like with depression.

If you feel you don't have the patience or understanding it's best to end it I think, as would that be kinder to both of you.

Yanbu feeling upset and let down but you can't change him or fix him.
It takes a strong character to deal with this kind of relationship or a lot of love and understanding.
Move on.

Yes, bipolar depressive people tend to be hard to maintain relationships with. It's not nice for them to have this burden but equally it's not your job to fix or support or be therapy for someone else. You have one life: your choices determine the life you get to live. So make good choices.

My advice as you have children is to end the relationship I'm afraid. My father was diagnosed when I was 12 and he has never been able to have a relationship with me although he has occasional phone support from me. Put your kids first and providing he has support in place move on. X

YANBU for being unhappy with this situation but YABU to expect him to be different. YANBU if you can't accept/cope with the fact that he frequently needs to be alone to deal with his feelings but I think it might be best for both of you if you split because this is likely to happen over and over and may well get worse rather than better.

Yanbu op but honestly, do you want to tie yourself down to a person whose mental health is as bad as this and has been forever?

You have 2 young children - don’t burden yourself with another person to care about. It’s sad that he’s struggling so much with his mental health but his happiness is not your responsibility. (I say that as someone who is married to someone with severe depression). Honestly, I’d cut your losses and run.

Is he undergoing treatment?
Do not let him move in if his symptoms aren’t under control. I say that for your sake and for that of your kids.
You can’t fix this for him. And he doesn’t sound well enough to be a live in partner who can support you too. Sorry OP.

Certainly wouldn’t move in with him. If you care for him and want him in your life in a casual / friendship type way you could change the activities you do together. Get in the habit of meeting up for walks, or start going to a boot camp class together, or parkrun on a Saturday morning or something active out of the house. An activity that will boost his mood. Something that shows him he can help himself. He might build on that momentum and make other changes in his life for the better. Or he might not. And then I think you could make a decision.

Thank you. Its a awful situation as he's brought out alot of happiness in me as he can be quite a character when he's happy. Funny. Always checking you are happy and have chocolate and a cuppa. Very loving. But I feel like I'm too young to be settling for so many lows and just not at the right stage of life. We have a 13 year age gap too so I'm early 30s he's mid 40s.

He's not particularly getting help now. He had some support 2 and half years ago when he split from his ex. He had councilling. Last summer he had a charity helping him.

Nobody believes it when he says he'd depressed. Other men are shocked because he's very good at doing the happy go lucky chatty act. He's a builder and always around groups of men. So it's not really in his nature to open up. This is massively why we clicked. His family members have said that he's really connected with me and it's extremely rare for him to get on with people and get close. He said I'm the first person since his mum he's spoken with about what goes on inside his head.

I've never felt so stuck or torn. I can cope with it to an extent. But I feel quite sad that we should be having dates and talking, sharing, laughing and enjoying food and having a sex life. I feel like the honeymoon stage is becoming too heavy and it should be much more positive.

I don't expect him to change but I'm obviously sad he's not able to be happier and wish he did feel more positive. I thought I'd help him get to a happier place and it feels like that's not really the case.

I don't know what to do. It sounds so awful to drop a break up on him. He couldn't cope with it now whilst he's suffering. But these are the moments I doubt the future.

You don't need to break up, maybe just let things fizzle out into a friendship.

You’re right, he’s not up to being in a relationship right now and you should be in the great stages of romance and giddy shagging.

Break it off gently and if possible tell someone close to him. This could only get worse really.

Good luck.

Can you imagined a future with him without living together? I've had depression and know others who have suffered. The impact on those close is also absolutely awful. You have 2 children. Can you imagine what they will have to deal with living with this. You can love and care about him in separate homes. Could you be ok with that. He won't just get better or snap out of it. It may be lifelong. It's nothing about you, it is all about him trying to be with this affliction. I hope you can work it throughout but it's going to be really tough on you and your children if he never finds any suitable treatment that works for him

Leave him, no person experiencing depression needs to be asked how long they’re going to feel that way for that’s honestly so bloody awful, what is wrong with you??

You clearly aren’t cut out for a relationship with someone who has mental health difficulties. Unfortunately since the majority of people experience some form of mental health trouble over the course of our lives, that means you’re not cut out for a relationship with the majority of people.

I will be honest and say that I think continuing this relationship and moving him in with your children is a bad idea.
My grandmother had bouts of deep depression and it really affected me and my siblings as she lived with us. When the black cloud comes it covers the whole house.

.

He feels down and wants to be alone and so you message him to ask him to think about whether a relationship is right for him then you hound him on the phone and ask how long he's going to feel that way ?!?

I don't think you are cut out for this relation ship as that is massively insensitive.

It doesn't sound like it works for you anyway but for goodness sake don't end it tonight- give him a chance to feel a bit stronger

There is no future whilst he’s not getting help for his poor mental health. Don’t let him move in. He needs to see a GP. He needs to deal with the issue. You can’t.

1. You can't fix him or help him or save him. Only him and his doctor can do that.

1. You don't need to be in a relationship with anyone you don't want to be, whether they have mental health problems or not. Don't stay out of pity.

1. Don't move in with him for anyone's sake, especially your children's.

OP. Leave. He is even trying to help himself - how do you know this isn't just how he is?

I grew up with a mother who had depression and it ruined mine and my brothers childhood.

My dad met a lovely women and married her then started to suffer with depression and now he has dragged his wife so down so much she is now on on anti depressants too.

Do not move in with him.

Read 'Depression fall out' - it talks about what happens in relationships or families when one of them has depression.

He found out he's just been defrauded by someone to the point he's now in debt and receiving fines, which will take a LONG time to sort out and fuck his credit rating in the mean time, and you made a shitty comment about 'how long' his depression was going to last 'this time'?

And then made sure he knew you'd counted how many times he'd disappointed you recently?

And then decided to badger him about whether or not you should be together?

Yes, I'd say you were lacking in understanding.

Speaking as someone with recurrent depression and a partner who has severe, long-term mental illness - it is hard. It is not something I would choose for my partner to have to deal with for me. If you were asking: should I stay when I know things can be so difficult, even though it's early days, I'd say - no, if you're not sure you can hack it or it's 'worth' it, go now. Because you'll end up exhausted and resentful and unless you love that person incredibly hard it's really, really fucking difficult. So no, are you unreasonable for finding his depression difficult, no you're not. It's a difficult disease and I hate the way it makes me when I am suffering, the same way I hate the way my DH used to be when he was suffering (although we now have a better, active prevention and treatment plan).

But are you unreasonable for hitting him with a 'I'd like to make this about my feelings' when HE'S JUST BEEN DEFRAUDED TO THE POINT OF DEBT and then making him feeling like a naughty schoolchild chalking up three black marks in 2 months, after he had reasonably asked for some time as he was struggling?

Yes. Jesus Christ.

Also:

He doesn't want to split up but I don't understand why he even wants this? Surely he can't be bothered with a relationship right now?

This just in: depressed people like to be loved too. Does he want to, today, interact with you about his failings and the future of your relationship while you berate him? No, probably not. Does he maybe want an evening to himself occasionally to deal with his thoughts, yeah probably. If you're not up for that in a relationship that's understandable, but it's not about 'not being bothered'. You seem incredibly unversed in what depression is.

Thanks for your replies. To the people thinking I'm insensitive if only you knew how much I care. Today I've sent a shop to his house full of healthy simple meals as I know he's not eating and can't face shopping. I care and I've done a variety of things such as

Sent food.
Sent toiletry packages.
Taken his dog overnight so he didn't have to walk him.
I've cooked him roasts. Taken takeaways to him.
Brought him a night light for comfort.
Handled forms and phone calls when he was too exhausted to cope.
I've made sure he's had teabags and milk etc when he can't work.
I've left my phone on loud every night and told him to call anytime.
I've hugged him.
I've sat on his bed and held him just so he can sleep.
I've been the only person who's said right now you've been in this house for a week come on and have a coffee at mine.

The reason I asked him today was because I have begun to feel a little bit troubled myself. I don't want him to feel because I've helped him he needs to be with me. It is hard to watch someone go from making you feel safe to being so detached they can't give you anything . He doesn't even want me near him for a cuppa. That's hard for me. Not because I'm selfish or don't understand. But because I also have needs and its simply too hard for me sometimes when I've put my heart and soul into us and we keep getting stuck. When I said how long are you going to feel like this, I was trying to explain to him that he can't help how he's feeling but with me having young children I do need consistency and I can love him but as the one who is "stronger" I can see that he doesn't have the stability for signing up to years of a "stepdad role" and having a family around him. He can't shut himself away every other week if he commits to me and my children. I wouldn't want him too. All I was trying to say today to him was I think he needed to focus on himself. Think truly about what he can handle and what he's offering to take on. I don't want to hurt him. I love him to pieces. But it's not good Is it. We should be together now enjoying a nice evening. The fact he has choose to be alone over that shows he's not in the right place.

It's sad and upsetting. I may not understand everything to do with depression. But I do understand how it affects people and I certainly don't think he can snap out if it. I'm really sad for him. I wish I could take it away but I can't.

@scarpa

I understand all that. But my feelings are never going to be valid in that case. I need to be able to speak with him about things when concerns arise. I didn't chalk up that he's naughty. I have noticed a regular pattern in him and it's happening alot. To the point where we are not having much of a relationship at all. He's cancelled 2 big days out. He's cancelled weekends. I am human too. I may not be depressed but I still feel anxious and stressed and lonely and disappointed. I'm being pulled up and down along with him and it makes makes sad. It makes me cry. He snaps and says stuff he doesn't mean. He pushes me away but he also doesn't want me to go. It's hard. I have put my heart and soul into it. But today it's just got really hard. I told my kids I was out. Sorted childcare. Planned taking them out around seeing him. So yeah today's been abit emotional for both of us.