To feel stressed over his depression

[Twixtwirl]

My boyfriend and I have been together a few months but we're real close for a year before that. So he's been a constant in my life for 16 months now. We have a good bond but are very opposite which has actually made us work.

He suffers with depression. Has done for years and years. Runs in his family. Lots of bipolar and depression.

Today he has cancelled me staying over tonight because he's down and feels horrible. Doesn't feel happy or comfortable and Would not feel up to "hosting". Fair enough. But this is the 3rd time in 2 months his depression has put him like this and today for the first time I feel crushed and down myself. I have 2 young children and we've been discussing this week moving in next year. We've talked about our future and all was looking good. But 2 days ago something happened due to a dishonest friend illegally taking a car out in his name and he ended up with fines through his door and no idea that the vehicle was in his name. So its spiralled his depression and he's shut down again.

I get myself in trouble most times he's low. Because it makes me question us. It makes me question the long term. I am very understanding and always offer help such as food shopping. Cooking. 24/7 here on the phone. I offer to listen. I try and do little thoughtful things like send him some supplies or get him something to provide a little comfort. I do care. But it's starting to get me down. I feel sad. It seems like he has a few good weeks then back to this.

I've just cancelled my childcare for tonight. I'm sat here now with no plans and rightly or wrong I'm feeling sad and disappointed. I've messaged him and said to him I love him so much but I think he needs to think about what is really best and if a relationship is the right thing at the moment. He told me not to do this. I called him and checked he was OK OK asked what he was doing. I tried to explain. He said he just needed time whilst he felt so terrible. I said I understood and explained to him i was struggling as this was the 3rd time in 2 months he's needed to be alone. He said we will still be happy and it will be OK. I said I know but how long will you be feeling low this time. He asked to get off the phone at that point.

I feel so terrible because I love him so much but its becoming more and more frequent. I feel like half the time he is struggling and I'm waiting. Inside I'm frustrated because I want to be enjoying life and happy not always disappointed. He doesn't want to split up but I don't understand why he even wants this? Surely he can't be bothered with a relationship right now?

Am I lacking in understanding? I really love him and when he's happy it's great. But these lows are starting to grind me down..

You have 2 young children and you are already talking about moving in with a man who (poor guy) suffers from clinical depression whom you have only been with a few months?!
🤦🤦🤦🤯

I think some pp have been really harsh on you OP.
You sound lovely and caring but you need to consider your own needs too.
I know l would struggle to maintain a relationship with someone who suffered like this.
It could be a lifelong thing and if it is getting you down already then nobody could blame you for wanting out.

I think you should break up. Set yourself free and him too. It's not doing you any good and it would be a bad environment for your children to live in.

The fact you feel the way you do so soon and is bringing you down might be a sign that you are not strong enough mentally. Living with someone long term takes love and mental strength as well as them wanting help. It’s a horrible illness that without help, conversation impacts all around. You sound like you had a good friendship before and maybe he needs that friendship more. Take the pressure off what a relationship should be like. Try not to have the in-depth conversations when he low, give him and as importantly you time to process.

Please don't move your children in with this man. They don't need this in their home. You will run yourself ragged trying to love him into being happy (you can't) and trying to shield them from the awful atmosphere (you can't). All the energy spent on him will be to their detriment. Please think about this. I grew up with a constant mood in the house, it's awful. And your kids don't even have to, that would be a choice you made for them!

[quote Twixtwirl]@scarpa

I understand all that. But my feelings are never going to be valid in that case. I need to be able to speak with him about things when concerns arise. I didn't chalk up that he's naughty. I have noticed a regular pattern in him and it's happening alot. To the point where we are not having much of a relationship at all. He's cancelled 2 big days out. He's cancelled weekends. I am human too. I may not be depressed but I still feel anxious and stressed and lonely and disappointed. I'm being pulled up and down along with him and it makes makes sad. It makes me cry. He snaps and says stuff he doesn't mean. He pushes me away but he also doesn't want me to go. It's hard. I have put my heart and soul into it. But today it's just got really hard. I told my kids I was out. Sorted childcare. Planned taking them out around seeing him. So yeah today's been abit emotional for both of us.[/quote]
I get that, I genuinely do - I've been all those things when my DH has withdrawn due to being really ill, or not been able to be the best or even a good version of himself, and he's felt the same in return with me. It's exhausting and I really, truly empathise with you there. But your way of going about things in this instance was just way off base.

This:

All I was trying to say today to him was I think he needed to focus on himself. Think truly about what he can handle and what he's offering to take on.

• was not useful (he is in the midst of a depressive episode: effectively telling him "I don't think you can really handle this thing you really want because of your broken brain" might well be true but it is sure as hell not going to help him get out of the episode and is probably going to worsen it, because now he's weighing the fact that his relationship may be over as you are talking about it not being possible.)

• wasn't going to achieve anything (I assume you either wanted him to say "this is what I want" or "you're right, this is over". He has said to you, knowing full well what his depressive episodes and need for space sometimes mean, what he wants is a potential future with you. So you know that's what he wants. If you truly believe he can't hack the kind of relationship you (quite reasonably) want then tell him it's over yourself: don't make him either promise he'll be 'better' to be able to cope with it or force him to break up with you when he doesn't want to.)

• was exactly what he was trying to do (he was telling you: I need to focus on myself for a day or two; I want and can handle our relationship within these boundaries I have to manage my illness. You were actually saying: I need to think about what I am 'taking on' with your illness, and you are not 'focusing' on me to the level I like, so I am going to suggest you just focus on yourself from now on. I 100000% respect your right to stand up for your needs in a relationship, but be upfront about it - not "well if you're not going to play with me maybe you should just play by yourself from now on!")

I freely admit I've taken your post to heart a lot, because it reminds me of the first time DH had a major depressive episode (lasting 4 months!). I felt rejected and hurt and frustrated, and all my caring and soup-bringing and soothing tones weren't fixing him and that made me feel useless too - maybe there's some of that in how you feel? But we were, thankfully, a couple of years in at that point, and I spoke to my therapist who reminded me I had two choices: accept how our relationship might be some of the time and understand it wasn't about his feelings for me, OR I walked away of my own volition. Because anything else was just me refusing to accept the facts as they were, not as they wanted them to be. He'd handed me the cards - he wasn't unsure about our relationship, but it had certain parameters when we was ill - and I had to decide if I wanted to play them or not.

We are lucky. DH has been well for a long time with new treatment, and I don't for a second regret sticking through those few bad periods until we found a way through that worked for us as a couple and him as a person. But it was hard. Nobody would do it by choice and you are not wrong whatsoever for being concerned about what that means for your future with this man.

You are allowed to want someone who is never mentally unwell enough to need to withdraw from you for a few days. You're allowed to want someone who doesn't do that more than once a year, or whatever doesn't feel too frequent. You're allowed to want more stability for your children. YANBU whatsoever for any of those. But YABU for - to go back to my shit card metaphor - seeing the cards he's holding out and going "are you SURE they're your cards" instead of just deciding whether you want to play them or not.

Hmmm a couple of posters are being a bit harsh here, but yes, I'd agree with the majority - you are allowed to have your wants and needs as well, and as a single parent you have to be careful not just for your own wellbeing, but because of the limitations on what you can offer someone else.

Someone is allowed not to want to continue date you if they are not having their needs met by you because you have children to think about. You are allowed to not want to continue to date someone because you are not having your needs met because they have depression.

It really doesn't sound like a good match, and i don't think that makes you a cow, its just being realistic.