Potty training. Who is BU?

[OttilieStonelady]

My son is in nursery one day a week and with a childminder for four. The other two he's with me. He is three in a month, and I am trying desperately to potty train. He is completely ready and even asks to use the potty before he needs to go. I have him in pants at home and he uses the potty. Still has up to 3 accidents a day but this has massively decreased. The nursery also agree that he's ready and have asked for him to be sent in pants and they don't use nappies anymore. Sometimes he only has one accident a day. The childminder has said she will only accept him in pants once he is potty trained, however I'm not sure how I am meant to potty train him reliably when I only have him in pants 3 days a week. AIBU to think she should be more supportive, or is it reasonable of her to expect him to be fully trained before he's in pants? Is it possible to potty train a toddler when he's in nappies 4 days a week or will he just end up being confused? It's my first time doing this and I am really struggling.

The childminder is being unreasonable here. Switching between pants and nappies will just hold him back.

@Lamplighter49

The childminder is being unreasonable here. Switching between pants and nappies will just hold him back.

I don't know how I can get her to be more supportive without ruining our relationship which has been brilliant for the past couple of years.

Also any general potty training tips would be so greatly appreciated whilst we're here!

Perhaps something like these would be a good halfway house?
www.bambinomio.co.uk/products/potty-training-pants?currency=GBP&variant=38063201321160&utm_medium=cpc&utm_source=google&utm_campaign=Google%20Shopping&gclid=CjwKCAjw2P-KBhByEiwADBYWCl9cdj_Bf-vd_dsREUukoNk6pc-2Me8e45RPEj4OcyOMv0j-Mb3-dxoCWggQAvD_BwE

Fwiw I think childminder is being unreasonable and I would be extremely reluctant to put him back in nappies as it will confuse him. (In my opinion)
Hard though when you have had a previously good relationship.

If it was me (and i know it may not be possible) I would take 2 weeks off work and childminder and really try and get it sorted. We used the Oh Crap book and I found the blocks very helpful.

Have you asked the CM recommendations on how this usually works in practice then if she doesn’t allow a transition period? In my mind it’s unworkable do it would be interesting to see what she says. No one magically goes from nappies to being 100% reliably dry.
I did pretty much cold turkey on nappies with all 3 of my children and did lots of reminding on using potties and had to accept that wet pants and kickers are all part and parcel of this!

@Lamplighter49

Have you asked the CM recommendations on how this usually works in practice then if she doesn’t allow a transition period? In my mind it’s unworkable do it would be interesting to see what she says. No one magically goes from nappies to being 100% reliably dry. I did pretty much cold turkey on nappies with all 3 of my children and did lots of reminding on using potties and had to accept that wet pants and kickers are all part and parcel of this!

But got to say mine went to nursery and they were totally on board with toilet training.

@Lamplighter49

Have you asked the CM recommendations on how this usually works in practice then if she doesn’t allow a transition period? In my mind it’s unworkable do it would be interesting to see what she says. No one magically goes from nappies to being 100% reliably dry. I did pretty much cold turkey on nappies with all 3 of my children and did lots of reminding on using potties and had to accept that wet pants and kickers are all part and parcel of this!

This!

Is she not wanting to have to clean up pee? Or what is her issue? I’m a bit confused by what she is expecting of you and your ds tbh

@nervousseacreature

Perhaps something like these would be a good halfway house? www.bambinomio.co.uk/products/potty-training-pants?currency=GBP&variant=38063201321160&utm_medium=cpc&utm_source=google&utm_campaign=Google%20Shopping&gclid=CjwKCAjw2P-KBhByEiwADBYWCl9cdj_Bf-vd_dsREUukoNk6pc-2Me8e45RPEj4OcyOMv0j-Mb3-dxoCWggQAvD_BwE

Fwiw I think childminder is being unreasonable and I would be extremely reluctant to put him back in nappies as it will confuse him. (In my opinion)
Hard though when you have had a previously good relationship.

If it was me (and i know it may not be possible) I would take 2 weeks off work and childminder and really try and get it sorted. We used the Oh Crap book and I found the blocks very helpful.

I thought about taking time off work but it would have to be unpaid and I just can't afford to do that. Otherwise would definitely be the plan! Her argument is that it's her house and she doesn't want him to wee on the sofa etc. Which is fair enough but equally you'd think childminders would expect to help potty train once a child is ready. Nursery have been amazing!

What a crap childminder- no way can you train if you keep putting him in a nappy - I’d actually be tempted to remove him from their care, they clearly don’t understand preschoolers

My childminder let me drop mine in pants after I’d spent 10 days at home training her, but after 6 accidents on the first day she did put her in nappies. Unfortunately she is on her own with 3 kids including one crawling baby and couldn’t spend all day mopping up wee and changing clothes. I was understand of this so for a while she went in pull ups and still went to the potty, and wore pants at home. Now she goes in pants and does have accidents but as they are not as regular the CM doesn’t mind.

One thing we did was pull up over pants. So if she weed she knew she had as she felt wet, and psychologically she knew she was in pants and had to use the potty.

The CM is not being overly supportive for you but I can see it’s tricky when it’s one adult and 3 children. Can you ask about trying in pants and seeing how he gets on, sending nappies in case?

My childminder was a bit like this; she didn’t overtly say it in the same way but my DD was ready and we ended up waiting about 6 weeks as the childminder was keen that I wait until I had a couple of weeks off my with my DD to fully train her. If I hadn’t had the time off coming up then I would have dug my heels in a bit but it’s hard as I didn’t want to risk losing a childminder that my DD was settled with and all other areas was great

Yes accidents happen on sofas and carpets, I used to put towels down for my children on the sofa. She doesn’t sound like she’s going to help with this. Can you swap CM for nursery?

@modgepodge

My childminder let me drop mine in pants after I’d spent 10 days at home training her, but after 6 accidents on the first day she did put her in nappies. Unfortunately she is on her own with 3 kids including one crawling baby and couldn’t spend all day mopping up wee and changing clothes. I was understand of this so for a while she went in pull ups and still went to the potty, and wore pants at home. Now she goes in pants and does have accidents but as they are not as regular the CM doesn’t mind.

One thing we did was pull up over pants. So if she weed she knew she had as she felt wet, and psychologically she knew she was in pants and had to use the potty.

The CM is not being overly supportive for you but I can see it’s tricky when it’s one adult and 3 children. Can you ask about trying in pants and seeing how he gets on, sending nappies in case?

I just don't get that argument. My mum was a single parent to 4 children and was able to potty train my baby sister with 3 other kids in the house. Maybe it's different when it's your own children. I just feel really stressed out by it all.

She's being ridiculous. Has she minded kids before? How have other kids managed? He can't be trained overnight so how does she suggest you train him if she just reverts back to nappies? She shouldn't take on kids under 4 if she's not agreeable to helping with toilet training imo.

Those training pants might be an idea then I guess as it looks like they have a waterproof layer inside (so saving sofa) but dc will still get the “wet pants” feeling.

However I do have to wonder at her being a childminder! Do they have to eat cereal over the sink for fear of spilling milk?!?!

I’m not sure I’d be happy continuing to use her personally. No chance of moving to the nursery full time?

The best advice we had was give big drinks and then 20 minutes later, you're expecting a big wee. I used to set a timer. Then you can relax and then constantly ask when the 20 mins is up and they get a big feeling and you're expecting it
Also there's quite a few potty training cartoons on YouTube that mine inexplicably loved

(childminder was extremely happy to have them but we had just had a week of isolation due to Covid so had taken the opportunity)
We sent them in with puppy training pads and loads of changes of clothes
And it was summer as well which made it a bit easier

Your childminder sounds lazy and shit. Can you up your days at nursery?

It really is just a money thing. He'll be going to nursery more from January but really wanted to potty train him now as he's ready and keep finding excuses to delay.

If he's still having 3 accidents a day and can't reliably not wee on a sofa he's nowhere near trained. DS was like that, we revisited six months later and he got it in a week. He's had one accident at nursery the first time they put him down for a nap without a pull up. Some up and ran the wrong way to the toilet by the time he was redirected the right way he'd had a bit of an accident in his pants, but even nursery said he stopped it and finished in the toilet. Even the first time around he had accidents running to the potty and not quite making it in time or a couple of times in the garden not wanting to go inside (all at home), which is why we paused and went back at a later date. If they just sit on a sofa and wee they clearly don't recognise the urge to go. Just taking them to the toilet every half hour or constantly reminding them isn't trained and isn't something a childcare provider will schedule for.

I think the childminder is being a bit ridiculous, surely the same issue comes up with every pre schooler that she care for.
If she cares for a child 4 days a week she must understand that she needs to be involved in their potty training in some way. Just like a nursery would be.
I’d probably ask her how she has managed this with other children as I think her answer will be quite revealing.

@KingdomScrolls

If he's still having 3 accidents a day and can't reliably not wee on a sofa he's nowhere near trained. DS was like that, we revisited six months later and he got it in a week. He's had one accident at nursery the first time they put him down for a nap without a pull up. Some up and ran the wrong way to the toilet by the time he was redirected the right way he'd had a bit of an accident in his pants, but even nursery said he stopped it and finished in the toilet. Even the first time around he had accidents running to the potty and not quite making it in time or a couple of times in the garden not wanting to go inside (all at home), which is why we paused and went back at a later date. If they just sit on a sofa and wee they clearly don't recognise the urge to go. Just taking them to the toilet every half hour or constantly reminding them isn't trained and isn't something a childcare provider will schedule for.

You're right. He's not trained. Hence my post about potty training...

I wouldn't call a childminder lazy and shit for not wanting pee and poo accidents in her home, you say he's still having up to three a day.
Use training pants or pull ups.

Probably not what you want to hear but it might be better to wait till January then. Will you have any time off coming up /after Christmas that you could use for toilet training? (I made a total arse of training my first dc but used the Oh Crap book with second dc and we had a week at home to really focus on it before he went back to nursery.)

@Bamaluz it is lazy and shit. She has him 4 days a week, she needs to be part of the potty training process or she shouldn't be a childminder. If she's on the ball she can take him before he has an accident most of the time by reminding him every 20 mins or so.