How to deal with an alcoholic relative

jessie436 · 2021-10-07T19:19:28+00:00

At my wits end. Yet another family occasion ruined by a very close relative who I love very much who happens to be a heavy drinker. Clear before we even set off that they'd drank. They spent the majority of the evening talking rubbish and encouraging silly behaviour from the dc. Made a fuss with the restaurant staff about a non issue with the food. I left feeling deflated and frustrated as I often do. This is a regular occurrence. This person drinks heavily and acknowledges it but won't change. They have had a lot of hardship in their life and seem to think that drinking is a right of passage for them. I don't know where to turn. There is no al anon local to me. I feel like I need professional advice but then I wonder what's the point as they won't change regardless of what I suggest. People say I have to distance myself but it's impossible, this person is so close to me and a massive part of my family's life. It breaks my heart to see them like this, they aren't the same person when they've had a drink. They are argumentative and irritating to be around. It drains me. But at the same time I love and need them so it's not just a case of going NC. I am absolutely at my wits end.

Lurcherloves · 07/10/2021 20:23

Is Al anon online as well? My DF and previous DP were alcoholics. My DF sobered up for a while but relapsed before he died. My ex, I left him over the drinking, he then went to AA and has been sober ever since. Tough love works

Original poster

jessie436 · 07/10/2021 20:27

Al anon just looked like meetings but there are none local to me at all. I'd hoped there'd be some sort of online forum or support network but I can't find anything.

I don't know how it's gone from this person simply liking a drink to being drunk so often. They think because their house is in order and they pay their bills and go to work it's it's not a problem but I don't think they realise how their behaviour is alienating people.

OP posts:

Idontlike · 07/10/2021 20:33

AA do online support for family members now
www.al-anonuk.org.uk/getting-help/

Maybe there is something else in your area
adfam.org.uk/

alcoholchange.org.uk/alcohol-facts/fact-sheets/a-guide-to-family-support-services

I have alcoholics in my family, it has destroyed lives and relationships. Could you just see this person at home instead of out and about? If you saw them early enough in the day, before they had a drink, you wouldn’t have to deal with them being argumentative.
We only see on family member before 11am, any later and they will have started drinking. Horrible situation to be in.
Jeremy vine had a phone in today on Radio 2 and a young woman was talking about her father who died of alcohol related issues, how she was concerned he wouldn’t stay sober to walk her down the aisle, how there were times he embaressed her, how his death was a relief as she no longer had to worry about him. I didn’t get to hear the end but it might be worth a listen on catch up in case there was any info about help given out.

Fallhappy1 · 07/10/2021 20:34

I have a close family friend who's exactly like this. She so friendly, polite and well mannered when she's sober or even tipsy but when she's drunk it's almost like she's had a personality transplant. She becomes snarky and sarcastic, loud and obnoxious, very rude and just not her self at all. I can't even remember the amount of injuries she'd sustained while drunk. I remember one time she fell and hit her face and had the most horrendous black eye. When we saw her a couple of days later she played it down, pretending she wasn't drunk when it happened. She did get some counselling rather than going to AA which did help a little, she doesn't drink as often anymore but when she does drink she's still pretty intolerable. I know it's not advise but just wanted you to know that you're not alone.

pointythings · 07/10/2021 20:54

Use the links suggested by a pp to access support online. The main thing you need to learn is to take care of yourself in your relationship with your relative. Accept that you are powerless to change them - but you can change how you respond to them. You don't want to break contact with them and that is your choice, but what you can do is find boundaries around what you will and will not accept in your relationship with them and then adjusting your actions accordingly. It's the harder course but it can be done.

Just always, always put your own wellbeing first.

PurpleDaisies · 07/10/2021 20:57

I only caught the end of this but they were talking about this topic on Jeremy vine today. It could be worth a listen on bbc sounds, if nothing else for the solidarity of people in your position.

SweetBabyCheeses99 · 07/10/2021 21:23

It does seem to be an impossible situation. But how you behave is the only thing that you can change. I know you say you don’t want to go NC which is fine, but I still don’t know why why you want to spend any time with this person when they’ve been drinking? I would give them a ultimatum for your own sanity - you’ll spend time with them only when sober. Next time you go out to dinner and they’ve already had a drink, just excuse yourselves.

Mollymalone123 · 07/10/2021 21:40

If you really love them that much then you need to be honest and say you cannot be around them if they continue to drink. It’s the only way

PurpleDaisies · 07/10/2021 21:42

@Mollymalone123

If you really love them that much then you need to be honest and say you cannot be around them if they continue to drink. It’s the only way

The trouble is it isn’t always that simple. That ultimatum won’t stop someone drinking and often you can’t just cut someone you love out of your life completely.

Sparkletastic · 07/10/2021 21:48

Agree that if you say it's impossible to distance yourself then you at least change the rules of engagement. See them in the morning / on walks / to go shopping. Not for meals out or any time after they are drunk.

PurpleDaisies · 07/10/2021 21:49

Yes-boundaries are definitely important.

Wolfiefan · 07/10/2021 21:50

You do need to distance yourself. If they drink then leave. If they arrive drunk then don’t let them in.
You owe it to dc.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 07/10/2021 22:07

@jessie436

Al anon just looked like meetings but there are none local to me at all. I'd hoped there'd be some sort of online forum or support network but I can't find anything.

I don't know how it's gone from this person simply liking a drink to being drunk so often. They think because their house is in order and they pay their bills and go to work it's it's not a problem but I don't think they realise how their behaviour is alienating people.

Well, they definitely won't work it out if you (and others) refuse to distance themselves, as you're reinforcing the assertion that everything is fine.

Original poster

jessie436 · 07/10/2021 22:07

Yes I've found myself only calling or visiting before certain times of day. The event tonight was a one off celebration and I really thought they would stay sober or at least arrive sober for it.

It's so hard to reason with them as when sober they just become defensive and make excuses over it - 'maybe you'd drink if you'd been what I've been through' kind of talk.

It's so hard because when they are sober we are so close and can talk for hours. Drunk, I struggle to be around them :(

OP posts:

Original poster

jessie436 · 07/10/2021 22:09

@NeverDropYourMooncup no they know it's not fine, I have spoken to them several times about it. We have rowed over it. My feelings about it are clear and I'm certainly not giving them the impression that it's ok.

But when you love someone it's very hard to just cut them off.

OP posts:

Wolfiefan · 07/10/2021 22:58

So don’t see them when they aren’t sober. Ever.
You can’t reason with them. You can’t change their behaviour. You can only decide on your boundaries. And stick to them.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 07/10/2021 23:04

[quote jessie436]@NeverDropYourMooncup no they know it's not fine, I have spoken to them several times about it. We have rowed over it. My feelings about it are clear and I'm certainly not giving them the impression that it's ok.

But when you love someone it's very hard to just cut them off. [/quote]
Depends if you think about your feelings/guilt/obligation/what if I can make it all better or what's actually best for them and for the DC who are witnessing this - they're learning that Nanny/Granddad/Auntie/Daddy/Whoever is funny and will subconsciously associate that with the smell or seeing drinking and that it's all fine because Mummy was there, too.

Nannyamc · 07/10/2021 23:17

I have posted a bit about this. They will only do something about this them selves. You can tell them how soul destroying it is but it up to them. My ds has been dry for 20mhts now. Had to to 4 mths rehab a totally different person. It really is up them to stop. Best of luck.

Original poster

jessie436 · 08/10/2021 07:46

I really don't see this person seeking professional help. They are the sort of person that will avoid going to the doctor if they can help it. Even if they acknowledged it was a problem they would try to fix it themselves. But at this point that's not even happening.

I'm so worried about the damage they must be doing to their health.

It's ok saying we'll just don't see them when they aren't sober but last night for example we picked them up and it was only then that I could see they'd been drinking. What was I supposed to do? Say sorry you'll have get out of the car please you've been drinking? I couldnt do that to them.

It's very easy to tell a stranger to do this or to cut contact but when it's someone you love it's really not that simple. I do understand that I need boundaries to stay sane though and I am trying to establish them but finding it quite hard.

OP posts:

Wolfiefan · 08/10/2021 08:14

It is that simple. Or their drinking will continue to have a negative effect on your life.
And you’re not doing anything.
What happens would be a consequence of THEIR actions.

Newgirls · 08/10/2021 08:41

It’s really sad isn’t it. Agree with others only see at times when they are sober. At big family events like this perhaps all agree not to buy alcohol? Choose places without alcohol eg your homes. That might be socially awkward but it’s clearly too difficult for this person.

Colin56 · 08/10/2021 09:20

@jessie436

I really don't see this person seeking professional help. They are the sort of person that will avoid going to the doctor if they can help it. Even if they acknowledged it was a problem they would try to fix it themselves. But at this point that's not even happening.

I'm so worried about the damage they must be doing to their health.

It's ok saying we'll just don't see them when they aren't sober but last night for example we picked them up and it was only then that I could see they'd been drinking. What was I supposed to do? Say sorry you'll have get out of the car please you've been drinking? I couldnt do that to them.

It's very easy to tell a stranger to do this or to cut contact but when it's someone you love it's really not that simple. I do understand that I need boundaries to stay sane though and I am trying to establish them but finding it quite hard.

I think you have to understand that enabling with contact perpetuates their behaviour. If you set boundaries - 'I only see you in the mornings for coffee as you will be sober then' then you have a chance of having a semi normal relationship wit them. You are playing the classic game that they are leading you into expecting different when its the same every time. I would go to Al- Anon and learn the cycle of addiction so you can see when you can opt out. Its their choice to drink or not so you make choices to either see them or not. I personaly would have had enough by now and would close down communication.

Catflapkitkat · 08/10/2021 09:43

Unless they are prepared to acknowledge their drink problem and WANT to do something about it you are on a road to nowhere.

I agree with the above posters, you need to set boundaries and you look after yourself. Last night when you collected them and you could tell they had been drinking - you should have left them on the doorstep and driven off without a backward glance. Do you really want your children around that indulgent, sloppy and rude behaviour?

Tell them again when they are sober - enough is enough, you will not engage with them when they are NOT sober. As above tough love.

Good luck OP

Tal45 · 08/10/2021 09:51

Don't go to places where they can buy drink, meet them at the park for a walk or have them over to your house. You know that they have a drink problem so hoping they won't drink when drink is freely available at the venue is unrealistic. What do the other family members think about it? Can you work something out with them to make sure there isn't the opportunity for them to get drunk at family gatherings even if it means the rest of you not having a drink?

Colin56 · 08/10/2021 09:57

@Tal45

Don't go to places where they can buy drink, meet them at the park for a walk or have them over to your house. You know that they have a drink problem so hoping they won't drink when drink is freely available at the venue is unrealistic. What do the other family members think about it? Can you work something out with them to make sure there isn't the opportunity for them to get drunk at family gatherings even if it means the rest of you not having a drink?

This is well meaning but the group should not have to change behaviour to regulate someone elses problem drinking. If the person wants to stop drinking they need to go and lean how to stop and probably for a while avoid situations where there is alcohol present until they are long term sober.