How to deal with an alcoholic relative

[jessie436]

At my wits end. Yet another family occasion ruined by a very close relative who I love very much who happens to be a heavy drinker. Clear before we even set off that they'd drank. They spent the majority of the evening talking rubbish and encouraging silly behaviour from the dc. Made a fuss with the restaurant staff about a non issue with the food. I left feeling deflated and frustrated as I often do.

This is a regular occurrence. This person drinks heavily and acknowledges it but won't change. They have had a lot of hardship in their life and seem to think that drinking is a right of passage for them.

I don't know where to turn. There is no al anon local to me. I feel like I need professional advice but then I wonder what's the point as they won't change regardless of what I suggest. People say I have to distance myself but it's impossible, this person is so close to me and a massive part of my family's life. It breaks my heart to see them like this, they aren't the same person when they've had a drink. They are argumentative and irritating to be around. It drains me. But at the same time I love and need them so it's not just a case of going NC. I am absolutely at my wits end.

Do they have a time when they start drinking, or is it randomly?

Its hard, but disengaging from any communication when they've had a drink is the only way forward with keeping a relationship. Trying to keep up as normal just leads to a build up of frustration and major effects on your own mental health.

I tried and tried with my mother because I felt I had to, she was family, I wanted a relationship with my mother, I should be a form of support for her etc.
It led to me really disliking her, and being angry at her more and more for the impact she was having on my life.
Only it wasn't her. I knew what she was like, I knew I couldn't control her. It was me who was letting her way of life impact mine. I could change how I handled it, and I did by disengaging whenever she was drunk. It was hard at first dealing with the guilt, but I was able to enjoy time with her again eventually.

I think you have to understand that enabling with contact perpetuates their behaviour. If you set boundaries - 'I only see you in the mornings for coffee as you will be sober then' then you have a chance of having a semi normal relationship wit them.

My experience of dealing with an alcoholic father is exactly this. It was only when I understood the concept of ‘enabling’ an alcoholic that things started to improve. I absolutely understand why you don’t want to cut them out of your life, but a) you do have to look after yourself, and b) you also have to appreciate that alcoholics don’t change unless they want to. And they will never really want to unless their behaviour starts to have negative consequences. If you protect the alcoholic by continuing to see them and shielding them from the consequences of their actions then nothing will change.

I do appreciate all the advice even though it is hard to hear. I naively thought if I kept communication open they may come to their senses but I'm losing hope. There's always a reason why they can't address the drinking now but they will next week or next month or whatever.

I absolutely wouldn't have left them stood on the doorstep last night though. That would have felt utterly cruel and yes I understand that tough love is sometimes needed but I just couldn't have done that. My heart sank once I realised they'd already had a drink though. I just don't understand it.

@jessie436

I do appreciate all the advice even though it is hard to hear. I naively thought if I kept communication open they may come to their senses but I'm losing hope. There's always a reason why they can't address the drinking now but they will next week or next month or whatever.

I absolutely wouldn't have left them stood on the doorstep last night though. That would have felt utterly cruel and yes I understand that tough love is sometimes needed but I just couldn't have done that. My heart sank once I realised they'd already had a drink though. I just don't understand it.

Hello Jessie I think if you realise that its you and others allowance of poor behaviour thats keeping them enabled and drinking thats a major step. (Its not your fault - you are doing what most people do)

Progress for you may look like being finally able to leave them on that step and realising that you are doing it for them and for you. But you come first.
Alcholics are fundamentally only interested in drinking and are selfish in protecting their right to do so to the detriment of everything else - even you.
The concept of Rock Bottom might be good to read up on - essentially allowing (facilitating maybe) an alcoholic to truly see the consequences of their drinking will help them realise they need to seek treatment.
So if you leave them on the step and the others in your family refuse to see them if drunk etc then eventually things will change. Everyone fits around their drinking makes it your problem, give that problem back and live your life.

wellnessretreatrecovery.com/sober-turning-points-define-rock-bottom/

jessie however hard it is to do (and it is hard), not letting someone into your house when they have been drinking is a healthy boundary. If there are no consequences for drinking, there is no incentive for change.

I do appreciate all the advice even though it is hard to hear. I naively thought if I kept communication open they may come to their senses but I'm losing hope. There's always a reason why they can't address the drinking now but they will next week or next month or whatever.

Honestly, I think everyone who finds that someone they love is an alcoholic does the same. It’s an instinctive reaction - no one wants to feel like they’ve abandoned a loved one who’s in a tough place.

I really do recommend reading up about alcoholism and enabling and seeking some support from Al Anon by phone (I did that when I was struggling with my dad and they were amazing). It’s a complex topic and I don’t want to oversimplify but there is an element of needing to be cruel to be kind.

Is there anyone else in your group who drinks? they tend to gravitate towards other drinkers which makes them feel it's acceptable. It is desperately sad, I was the drinker in this scenario and I disagree with PP that the drinker is being selfish, it really isn't like that, the addiction makes you blind to reality, you aren't wilfully being selfish even though the impact on others makes it seem like it.

Can you sit the person down and very gently say you acknowledge the hard times etc but tell them how they are when drunk? Even though it may make no difference (as change does have to come from the alcoholic) your words will have an impact, even if brushed off, they will be mulled over.
Hard as it is, a gentle chat each snd every time will hopefully negate defensiveness and help the alcoholic to come to terms with the reality of their drinking.