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AIBU?

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Original poster

The girl who bullied my DD is now her best friend, WWYD?

34 replies

WorryingProbablyWrongly · 07/10/2021 16:51

During Reception DD was bullied by another girl in her class there was a lot of hitting, pushing, shoving, and a few damaged shirts. No name calling or anything.

For context both this girl and my DD have SN, different SN but SN all the same.

The girls where kept apart for Reception, then separated in Years 1 and 2.

They’re now in a class together again for Year 3.

DD has come out today and said this girl is lovely, and her best friend. From what I can tell there’s no more violence from the girl towards anyone and she’s doing much better in school. DD and her are similar ability wise and seem to complement each other’s strengths according to the teacher. Teacher has kept an eye on it but says they’re lovely together and really seem to want to be friends.

DDs struggled with friendships as her specific SN can cause issues with speech and also her mobility but this girl is similar in terms of their abilities. DDs very small for her age, this girl is the opposite and very tall and this seems to work as the girl looks out for DD and helps her to reach things.

The teacher is certain its mutual friendship and neither girl is bullying or holding a resentment for the previous issues. Teacher says they seem to have similar interests; sylvanian families, dinosaurs and flowers. This girls mum also works with my cousins wife and knows cousins DC who DD knows very well so likely to see her outside of school at my cousins DCs parties etc.

DD doesn’t remember the bullying, she had a tough time in Reception in general but is much better now but does struggle at school still.

I’m in two minds about it. The mother was always very apologetic about her DDs bullying, and explained to me why it happened, and the girl does appear to have grown out of that phase but I do worry as DD is so much smaller what could happen if I allow the friendship to continue.

The Teacher is leaving it up to me and will separate the girls if I do not want the friendship to continue due to the history.

So WWYD?

OP posts:
CaptainChannel · 07/10/2021 16:54

I wouldn't do anything. I would be pleased they're friends and wouldn't think about it again. They were only 4/5 in reception, some kids are still learning self control and behaviour norms then. I doubt either of them even remember reception.

MrsGhastlyCrumb · 07/10/2021 16:54

I think that you should let them continue the friendship, but ask that the teacher keeps an eye on things. My daughter was a biter in reception and had it in for a particular girl- but they are now really close and they want to marry each other! (They probably clashed because they are similarly strong-willed.)

The fact that they have learned that they like each other has been a real learning opportunity for both of them. I really wouldn't interfere unless it looked as though things were going to go South.

Stompythedinosaur · 07/10/2021 16:56

Why would you seperate them? There's no reason to hold a grudge over the behaviour of a 4yo with sn years ago.

It sounds like a nice friendship.

Tal45 · 07/10/2021 16:57

I would definitely let it go and let them be friends - but encourage other friendships as well if possible just in case is does all fall apart again. Sounds like they've grown up a bit and realised actually that they have a lot in common, could be really good for both of them.

lifecoachingandotherbollocks · 07/10/2021 16:59

Your DD wasnt bullied🙄 They were 4 or 5 at most. Just let your dd get on with it.

Original poster
WorryingProbablyWrongly · 07/10/2021 17:01

@lifecoachingandotherbollocks

Your DD wasnt bullied🙄 They were 4 or 5 at most. Just let your dd get on with it.
The school called it bullying because it was always DD this girl pushed or hit.
OP posts:
Nappyvalley15 · 07/10/2021 17:01

I would do nothing and be glad my dd had made a friend. Her behaviour at 4/5 shouldn't be held against her.

lifecoachingandotherbollocks · 07/10/2021 17:01

Don’t be daft of course they didnt.

TractorAndHeadphones · 07/10/2021 17:02

They were little children - aggressive behaviour at that age isn’t often the result of malicious intent.
Tell the teacher to keep an eye out if you wish but it’s lovely they’re friends now - presumably older enough to be conscious about their behaviour

cameocat · 07/10/2021 17:03

Why would you do anything? The other girl was very young and easily could have grown out of this behaviour. You cannot hold this type if thing against someone forever when they are that young. Children can learn and change.

TumtumTree · 07/10/2021 17:03

I would try to forget the history and give this a chance. It sounds like it might work out well. They grow up a lot in that time.

Lockdownbear · 07/10/2021 17:04

Let them get on with it.
Why would you get involved or bare grudges against someone for what they did as a 4/5 year old? At what point do you Let go?

HerRoyalRisesAgain · 07/10/2021 17:05

You di nothing and let them be friends. DD was the target of one girl in preschool through to reception.
Theyre year 3 now and great friends. DD doesn't hold a grudge, the other girl no longer has violent outbursts as she is older and better able to manage her emotions, and they want to be friends.

itsgettingwierd · 07/10/2021 17:05

At 4/5 and delayed due to sn try not to look at it as bullying. At that age (especially when delayed) it's very unlikely to be have deliberate and targeted with the intention of causing harm.

I wouldn't worry now either if this girl has gained skills and isn't harming dd. Kids grow up and change. They should be given a chance.

It's great your dd now has a special friend and I'd allow it to be and intervene only if it turns sour.

rrhuth · 07/10/2021 17:07

I wouldn't try my utmost not to hold a grudge, especially against a very young child. 4/5 is so young.

I would be quite Hmm if the school really called it bullying at that age.

rrhuth · 07/10/2021 17:08

Should say would try my utmost!

WhatsMyNameAgain2 · 07/10/2021 17:10

Wouldn't give it a second thought. They're not much more than babies

MsTSwift · 07/10/2021 17:11

They are very young - I would struggle to use the word bullying about such a young child especially one with SN. Surprised school did seems odd

lanthanum · 07/10/2021 17:11

It doesn't sound like there's anything to worry about. The difficulties in reception were years ago, the child has grown up a lot since then.

ginnybag · 07/10/2021 17:24

We have this, although no SM affecting behaviour on either side.

Proper nightmares with one child in Yr2/Yr3, kept apart since, now seem to be quite good friends in Yr7.

The point of childhood is to grow and learn, and kids do. It's not reasonable to hold a very young child's behaviour against them for the rest of time. Obviously keep an eye on it and jump in at any sign of trouble, but there's no reason to think it won't be fine.

Original poster
WorryingProbablyWrongly · 07/10/2021 17:37

Thank you everyone, will definitely speak to the teacher about my concerns and ask for an eye to be kept on them but let it continue for now. DD is happy and that's my priority not grudges, I was just worried because of the history.

OP posts:
mumwon · 07/10/2021 17:40

Invite her to your house be welcoming but keep an eye on how things are & if Ok perhaps make it a regular thing - earwig on their conversations & watch their interactions discretely.
This is not being nosey in this situation its being careful - if there is anything wrong you will be able to tell & step back if its OK
Its not wrong to be a bit more protective in these circumstances (when dc is vulnerable) & if you get to know the other dc you will be able to relax
I wouldn't stop the dc - remember the other dc was very young too

SionnachRua · 07/10/2021 17:44

Christ, the child was 4. That's almost half a lifetime ago for her now. Your dd is happy, the other girl is happy, teacher is happy. Let it bloody go.

Teflondreams · 07/10/2021 17:46

You don’t need to speak to the teacher again about this. You have already said the teacher is keeping an eye on things and thinks it’s a lovely friendship.
4 year olds don’t bully anyway, they are still learning to control their behaviour at that age, especially if SN are involved.
Honestly your DD, the other child and the teacher are all happy, you need to let it go!

MajorCarolDanvers · 07/10/2021 17:49

Your DD doesn't even remember the 'bullying' so if she can let it go then so should you.