The girl who bullied my DD is now her best friend, WWYD?

[WorryingProbablyWrongly]

During Reception DD was bullied by another girl in her class there was a lot of hitting, pushing, shoving, and a few damaged shirts. No name calling or anything.

For context both this girl and my DD have SN, different SN but SN all the same.

The girls where kept apart for Reception, then separated in Years 1 and 2.

They’re now in a class together again for Year 3.

DD has come out today and said this girl is lovely, and her best friend. From what I can tell there’s no more violence from the girl towards anyone and she’s doing much better in school. DD and her are similar ability wise and seem to complement each other’s strengths according to the teacher. Teacher has kept an eye on it but says they’re lovely together and really seem to want to be friends.

DDs struggled with friendships as her specific SN can cause issues with speech and also her mobility but this girl is similar in terms of their abilities. DDs very small for her age, this girl is the opposite and very tall and this seems to work as the girl looks out for DD and helps her to reach things.

The teacher is certain its mutual friendship and neither girl is bullying or holding a resentment for the previous issues. Teacher says they seem to have similar interests; sylvanian families, dinosaurs and flowers. This girls mum also works with my cousins wife and knows cousins DC who DD knows very well so likely to see her outside of school at my cousins DCs parties etc.

DD doesn’t remember the bullying, she had a tough time in Reception in general but is much better now but does struggle at school still.

I’m in two minds about it. The mother was always very apologetic about her DDs bullying, and explained to me why it happened, and the girl does appear to have grown out of that phase but I do worry as DD is so much smaller what could happen if I allow the friendship to continue.

The Teacher is leaving it up to me and will separate the girls if I do not want the friendship to continue due to the history.

So WWYD?

I wouldn't do anything except keep an eye on them like I would with any friendship.

Children change and grow and their friendships and friendship groups change and grow.

I don't think 4yo's bully. Invite your daughters friend over for a play date if it will make you more comfortable seeing the format of the friendship but try to remember that this girl was very young when she was doing these things and was possibly struggling with settling into school.

Of course children can change out of all recognition between the ages of 4 and 7.

If a 7 year old can’t be forgiven and redeemed for things they did age 4, they will never get another chance, will they?

There's nothing more for you to say to the school on this , you really need to get over it, its not bullying at that young age, and it would be really awful of the school if they called it that.

DS did this -- no SN, I suppose.

DS was buddies with Alex, Alex & DS bullied Jake.
Alex left school at end of yr3.

I didn't know about the bullying until middle of yr5 when Ds & Jake became good friends. Jake's mum had the sense to see DS had been easily led & to let the boys decide their friendship. Actually Jake's mum never said a thing about bullying, I've sort of inferred it must have happened from many pieces of information.

I am still on friendly terms with Jake's mum.
Let things change when they have changed.
Kids forgive even when adults can't.

They will be completely different kids to who they were when they were four. They have a nice little friendship going, the teacher is keeping an eye, writing this little girl off as a 'bully' for things she did when she was four really isn't fair. You need to let it go.

Honestly I wouldn’t even worry about it. And I wouldn’t even speak to the teacher as they will be watching out for anyone with bad behaviour not just from the ones who’ve exhibited it before.

You will find this happens quite regularly (especially with girls) they tend to be worst enemies and then best friends.
They could have clashed at the beginning because they were so alike and now they realise how much they get on.

It must be very difficult for you remembering her coming home upset and injured and now she’s in close contact with the girl everyday but I’d just let the friendship grow naturally and keep an eye out for any behaviour changes. If you think somethings wrong then let the teacher know.

They actually can have a very short memory at that age.

The absolute key for me would be that her mother recognised there was a problem.

I would imagine she has worked with her daughter to help her leave that behaviour behind.

The school sound very proactive which is so positive.

I think telling the teacher you will be guided by her, but would appreciate her vigilance going forward and to keep you in the loop.

Best of luck.

She was reception age with special needs. Time to let it go. I’d maybe ask the teacher to keep an eye but honestly, I have a child who had a very difficult reception year behaviour wise. Not bullying as such but definitely hitting, pushing, throwing things - not the nicest child to have in the class. Hard work from school, home and various professionals and he is a different child - and part of that is because he has some good friends and is accepted by his peers. I’m so grateful the parents of those friends see him as the lovely child he is now and don’t hold the behaviour of an anxious four year old with undiagnosed special needs against him.