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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for not going?

31 replies

ivfbabymomma1 · 06/10/2021 23:23

I was just wondering if I could get some advice and I'm fully prepared to be told to get a grip.

It's my SILs hen do next year in Spain (I'm a bridesmaid) and I was sent a message about it a few weeks ago. There is no back story and me and my SIL get on. The hen do is being planned by a mutual friend. I've been told it will cost around £800 including spends.

I do not want to go to this hen do purely because I don't want to leave my 18 month old for that long (3 nights) nor do I want to be in a different country from him. I could save up and afford it but then I'd rather spend the money on going away with my son as we haven't had the chance due to covid.

I would be leaving my son with my DH which isn't an issue I just don't want to be that far away for that length of time.

I explained this to the mutual friend/bride to be and apparently this is an unacceptable excuse and that "other people are going who have Kids"

Am I being precious? I'm being made to feel like my feelings are valid I guess or I'm just being a wet lettuce.

There is a UK hen do I've said I'd be happy to attend....

What do you think? Thank you and sorry all the details are probably jumbled!

OP posts:
TimeForTeaAndG · 06/10/2021 23:26

I think it's entirely up to you. If you don't want to go then don't go. I don't think you are being precious, plenty of people don't want to leave their child at that young age for an extended period of time.

DoucheCanoe · 06/10/2021 23:26

YANBU.

No way would I be spending £800+ on a hen do. I wouldn't be bothered about leaving my DC with their Dad but I think your feelings are completely valid!

Lanique · 06/10/2021 23:30

I would have no excuse not to go and yet I'd still refuse on principal that £800 is an utterly ludicrous amount for anyone to expect anyone else to pay for a hen do.

Aquamarine1029 · 06/10/2021 23:30

I've been told it will cost around £800 including spends.

Have these people lost their fucking minds? FGS. Anyway...

You're an adult, you get to make your own choices. I don't give a toss what anyone thinks about my choices, and if I didn't want to go I wouldn't be going. I suggest you follow suit. You don't have to justfy your decision or reason for not going to anyone, ever. Don't be a doormat.

Xmassprout · 06/10/2021 23:33

YANBU

I wouldn't want to go either. Plus £800 for a hen do is a stupid amount of money for a hen do, unless of course you're a higher earner and have plenty of disposable money

Pinkchocolate · 06/10/2021 23:37

YANBU. I missed a hen night abroad because I couldn’t/wouldn’t leave my kids. I was maid of honour and the bride was fine about it. We had another hen night in the UK.

WingingItEveryDay7 · 06/10/2021 23:39

There is no way I'd spend £800 on anyone's hen do (not even my own!). I do not understand why everything has to be abroad nowadays, do people not understand it's just not viable for everyone, for whatever reason?? OP you are an adult and no one can tell you that you have to go, so just stick to your guns! FYI my DS would be 4 and I wouldn't leave him to go abroad either so I do not blame you for not wanting to leave yours at 18 months! Tell her firmly no, and wish them a nice time. They'll be too pissed up to notice you're not there anyway! x

Original poster
ivfbabymomma1 · 06/10/2021 23:39

Thanks everyone! I thought I was going out my mind. It's worth noting the rest of the party don't have child bar 1 other girl I think (9 girls in total)

And no I absolutely am not a high earner with lots of disposable income!! I work part time in an office. I could slowly save up between now and next year but I'd much rather take my son away somewhere with my DH!!

Yes your all right I'm focused on my reason not being good enough when really I don't need a reason!!!

Thank you all

OP posts:
tensmum1964 · 06/10/2021 23:51

I went away for a 3 night break away for my friends 50th birthday when my DD was 2. It was something we had said we would do for many years pre having my DD. Because of that I felt that I couldn't let her down and when I did express my reservations I was made to feel like I was being ridiculous. In all honesty I didn't enjoy it. I hated being so far away from her and felt anxious the whole time I was there. I kept worrying about not being able to get home quickly if she needed me etc and the feeling of the distance between us was at times overwhelming. Stand your ground and don't be bullied in to doing something that doesn't feel right. Let them think what they want, they will get over it.

JJ123456 · 06/10/2021 23:57

£800 for three nights, when you don’t even really want to go?! Don’t let them try to pressure you into it.

Hydrate · 07/10/2021 00:00

YANBU. They are not very nice to try to pressure or guilt you. Baby and family comes first.
Why are so many travelling and getting together like the pandamic is over anyways?

HeddaGarbled · 07/10/2021 00:00

£800 for 3 nights?!?!

They should be ashamed of themselves 😡

Original poster
ivfbabymomma1 · 07/10/2021 00:01

@tensmum1964 you've hit the nail on the head for me there it's the anxiety of not being able to get back easily if he needs me. It gives me a panic attack thinking about it!!! Thank you!

& yes £800 is absolutely crazy I agree!!!

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 07/10/2021 00:13

It's entirely up to you, don't let them sway you.

Personally I'd have no problem at all leaving my toddler with my husband and going for a nice very short break.

But the important thing here is your feelings and no-one else's.

WorraLiberty · 07/10/2021 00:15

@HeddaGarbled

£800 for 3 nights?!?!

They should be ashamed of themselves 😡

Wait, what? Why should they be ashamed of themselves for spending their own money as they see fit? Confused

Fair enough they shouldn't be putting pressure on the OP if she doesn't want to spend time away from her DC, but where's the 'shame' regarding the cost if they can afford it?

Original poster
ivfbabymomma1 · 07/10/2021 08:53

Thank you for your advice!. Everything seems so much clearer this morning, I'm just going to decline and what ever will be will be from there side but your all right in an adult and I shouldn't be pressured! X

OP posts:
Balonzette · 07/10/2021 09:31

I wouldn't go. I don't think it's unreasonable.

Cryalot2 · 07/10/2021 09:39

I think you are just too anxious to leave your baby. That is your choice.
For me the shocker and why I would refuse is the cost. You certainly could use it better and enjoy it more p

Dojacatpaws · 07/10/2021 09:42

I would probably feel the same as you but it will most likely be a great trip, whether that's worth £800 or not is another thing, but I'd rather spend money on a great experience like that rather than designer gear and stuff etc

evilharpy · 07/10/2021 09:43

I think whether or not you have a baby it's incredibly unfair to EXPECT someone to pay £800 for a hen do abroad, even if they can afford it. If you want to have a hen do in Spain fair enough but you have to accept that not everyone wants to spend that much money and they most definitely should not be made to feel guilty for it.

mistlethrush · 07/10/2021 09:44

I think it's ridiculous how much hen dos have got out of control like this.... What's the problem with some drinks out one evening? Three days away in a foreign country is just madness - there's the travel, the expense and the time - and of course you have to get things for the actual wedding on top of this too.

Mischance · 07/10/2021 09:44

What is it with these hen and stag do's? - it has all got out of proportion. Used to be a quick drink with a gang of mates and now it has snowballed out of all imagination. £800! - and leave your 18 month old for 3 nights! Stuff that for a lark.

Just say NO.

funinthesun19 · 07/10/2021 09:50

YANBU. It’s actually the bride to be who is being precious.

I hate it how some people think when someone is getting married it should dominate everyone else’s lives until it’s all over and your priorities and feelings don’t matter.

It’s not essential that you go to the hen do.

user1471462115 · 07/10/2021 09:51

It will cost a lot more than 800.00.
Just saying.
These things always cost double what they start out as.

Don’t go.

Harlequin1088 · 07/10/2021 10:11

No is a complete sentence. Whatever your reason whether it be children, finances, an irrational fear of aeroplane food, it doesn't matter. If you don't want to go, then you should just be able to say no without having to go to great lengths to justify yourself.

It's bang out of order for this mutual friend to trot out the "Oh well other people with kids are going" line like that's supposed to pressurise you into going. Very unreasonable of her.

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