Need someone to give my head a wobble here if I'm being a crazy first time mum.
Before my baby was born, I told my dh that he wouldn't be able to stay or go into dmil house due to the fact she smokes in the house. She also smokes weed on a semi regular basis but apparently this is not in the house and to be fair I've never smelt it in her house, I have smelt smoke however. It was agreed DH would speak to her about this. I continued with my pregnancy thinking that this was sorted. See her with an ecig every time were out and about so I presume that she's quit.
Babies born, go and visit her when we get home from the hospital and her house STINKS of smoke. Fine, I presumed wrong, my fault as it wasn't communicated to me otherwise. So I ask DH to let her know that the no house visits while smoking inside still stands. In hindsight, i probably should have just done it myself but that ship has sailed.
He does this, they're out on their own together, she royally kicks off and cries but nothing is said to me other than my DH letting me know what was said.
A week later, I dressed the baby in some clothes she bought for him while I was pregnant, go on WhatsApp to send her a picture and it turns out she's blocked me. We don't post pictures of our baby on SM so we have an independent app where we can share photos with family, I go on this and she's removed herself from this also. This is all on fathers day, so I ask DH to message her and say that I tried to send her a photo but it didn't go through. She ignored this fact and says that she's removed herself from the family album app as she can't bear to only see photos of baby online.
I think, this is daft, so send her a text saying basically, I wish it didn't have to be this way, I have to protect my child and if she wants to sort it out, let me know. She sent me the most spiteful text back saying that she's not getting involved in my argumentative nature and she's not letting me treat her how I treat my dad (which I opened up to her about once as he really treated me and my brother awfully, posted a letter through the door when we were kids saying he has a new family now and we just need to accept that, I can, and have before, write a WHOLE other thread on his antics) but she knew this would hurt me. She said she's been nothing but a good person to me and I've ruined her expectations of being a grandma and how dare I speak to her that way.
I kept my cool and just text her back saying I only text as she's blocked me off everything, and there was no need for the horrible reply, this is all very childish and again, to let me know if she wants to sort it out.
A few months passed and I heard nothing from her. DH was still going seeing her with the baby, meeting her in cafes which I always suggested he do and would remind him to go and see her. I said to DH that if she wants to let it go, I'm willing to draw a line under it and move on which he told DMIL, she finally text me saying that I have a beautiful son, and I replied saying you have a beautiful grandson! And normal conversation ensued from there. Met her at the park and it was like nothing happened. Fine, I'm willing to drop it all for DH as I know this is difficult for him too. But the no visits due to the smoking still stands.
Me and my DH went away for 2 nights and left the baby with my DM. My DM thought it'd be nice to meet up with DMIL and have a grandma's day. She said they were meeting in a cafe and I was happy that they were getting to spend some time with the baby. My dm forgot about the no visits to DMIL house and DMIL invited her round and she went. When I found this out when I got back, I was peeved with my DM and told her as much but we sorted it out and moved on.
A week later, DMIL shows up at our house unannounced, she wants to have a word with us because she wants to know whether the no visiting is due to her smoking or whether its something else because my DM went round and she thought, what changed? I said nothing has changed, my DM forgot and I spoke to her about it. I said it's not a personal attack on her, it would be the same with any other member of the family who smoked indoors. She said that she'd felt like there was no point in being alive anymore and when she was speaking to her friends, she found herself forgetting our babies name as she'd not seen him, she said that being a parent is immense but becoming a grandparent is second to that and she feels like she's lost out on being a grandma.
I said if you smoke outside, we'd have no issue with baby coming round, and that she'd said some hurtful things to me too that were irrelevant to the situation but I know emotions were running high so we can move past it and she said yes well I thought postnatal depression might have come into it abit. So I got a bit sterner then and said NO straight away and she said well when DH told me, me and him were both sat there breaking our hearts and I was crying and he was upset, so I said wait a minute, DH has agreed with me all along with this, and we've had this conversation in private but I feel like it's come across as this is all coming from me when it's actually not. She backtracked then and said well of course he stands by you I'd be concerned if he didn't but as long as its not because of anything else then that's fine I just wanted to make sure.
I was sat there, baffled, while my DH and DMIL made normal conversation so I just excused myself and went upstairs. Now looking back on it there are lots of things I wish I said but I don't want to drag it all back up again but I'm finding myself feeling very bitter towards her.
Am I in the wrong for saying baby can't visit if she smokes in the house? I'm not quite sure where all this drama has arisen from when it's a case of
Smoke in the house - he's not coming round
Smoke outside- he can?
How am I best dealing with this now? Shall I address the issues I wish I'd mentioned when she came round or should I just let it lie and grit my teeth every time I see her?