MIL smoking in the house

[Katlow]

Need someone to give my head a wobble here if I'm being a crazy first time mum.

Before my baby was born, I told my dh that he wouldn't be able to stay or go into dmil house due to the fact she smokes in the house. She also smokes weed on a semi regular basis but apparently this is not in the house and to be fair I've never smelt it in her house, I have smelt smoke however. It was agreed DH would speak to her about this. I continued with my pregnancy thinking that this was sorted. See her with an ecig every time were out and about so I presume that she's quit.
Babies born, go and visit her when we get home from the hospital and her house STINKS of smoke. Fine, I presumed wrong, my fault as it wasn't communicated to me otherwise. So I ask DH to let her know that the no house visits while smoking inside still stands. In hindsight, i probably should have just done it myself but that ship has sailed.
He does this, they're out on their own together, she royally kicks off and cries but nothing is said to me other than my DH letting me know what was said.
A week later, I dressed the baby in some clothes she bought for him while I was pregnant, go on WhatsApp to send her a picture and it turns out she's blocked me. We don't post pictures of our baby on SM so we have an independent app where we can share photos with family, I go on this and she's removed herself from this also. This is all on fathers day, so I ask DH to message her and say that I tried to send her a photo but it didn't go through. She ignored this fact and says that she's removed herself from the family album app as she can't bear to only see photos of baby online.
I think, this is daft, so send her a text saying basically, I wish it didn't have to be this way, I have to protect my child and if she wants to sort it out, let me know. She sent me the most spiteful text back saying that she's not getting involved in my argumentative nature and she's not letting me treat her how I treat my dad (which I opened up to her about once as he really treated me and my brother awfully, posted a letter through the door when we were kids saying he has a new family now and we just need to accept that, I can, and have before, write a WHOLE other thread on his antics) but she knew this would hurt me. She said she's been nothing but a good person to me and I've ruined her expectations of being a grandma and how dare I speak to her that way.
I kept my cool and just text her back saying I only text as she's blocked me off everything, and there was no need for the horrible reply, this is all very childish and again, to let me know if she wants to sort it out.
A few months passed and I heard nothing from her. DH was still going seeing her with the baby, meeting her in cafes which I always suggested he do and would remind him to go and see her. I said to DH that if she wants to let it go, I'm willing to draw a line under it and move on which he told DMIL, she finally text me saying that I have a beautiful son, and I replied saying you have a beautiful grandson! And normal conversation ensued from there. Met her at the park and it was like nothing happened. Fine, I'm willing to drop it all for DH as I know this is difficult for him too. But the no visits due to the smoking still stands.
Me and my DH went away for 2 nights and left the baby with my DM. My DM thought it'd be nice to meet up with DMIL and have a grandma's day. She said they were meeting in a cafe and I was happy that they were getting to spend some time with the baby. My dm forgot about the no visits to DMIL house and DMIL invited her round and she went. When I found this out when I got back, I was peeved with my DM and told her as much but we sorted it out and moved on.
A week later, DMIL shows up at our house unannounced, she wants to have a word with us because she wants to know whether the no visiting is due to her smoking or whether its something else because my DM went round and she thought, what changed? I said nothing has changed, my DM forgot and I spoke to her about it. I said it's not a personal attack on her, it would be the same with any other member of the family who smoked indoors. She said that she'd felt like there was no point in being alive anymore and when she was speaking to her friends, she found herself forgetting our babies name as she'd not seen him, she said that being a parent is immense but becoming a grandparent is second to that and she feels like she's lost out on being a grandma.
I said if you smoke outside, we'd have no issue with baby coming round, and that she'd said some hurtful things to me too that were irrelevant to the situation but I know emotions were running high so we can move past it and she said yes well I thought postnatal depression might have come into it abit. So I got a bit sterner then and said NO straight away and she said well when DH told me, me and him were both sat there breaking our hearts and I was crying and he was upset, so I said wait a minute, DH has agreed with me all along with this, and we've had this conversation in private but I feel like it's come across as this is all coming from me when it's actually not. She backtracked then and said well of course he stands by you I'd be concerned if he didn't but as long as its not because of anything else then that's fine I just wanted to make sure.
I was sat there, baffled, while my DH and DMIL made normal conversation so I just excused myself and went upstairs. Now looking back on it there are lots of things I wish I said but I don't want to drag it all back up again but I'm finding myself feeling very bitter towards her.
Am I in the wrong for saying baby can't visit if she smokes in the house? I'm not quite sure where all this drama has arisen from when it's a case of
Smoke in the house - he's not coming round
Smoke outside- he can?

How am I best dealing with this now? Shall I address the issues I wish I'd mentioned when she came round or should I just let it lie and grit my teeth every time I see her?

@thebestnamesweregone

I think your mom betrayed you by taking the child there....I'm presuming you'd told her the about the smoking saga,?.....

Yeah, she completely agreed with me and commended me for being strong and setting my boundaries. My post was already really long so didn't want to beef it out with that argument but I told my mum I was upset and felt like she knew my stance on it and how much grief I've had to deal with because I've stood by it and said I wasn't just upset with her, I was upset with MIL too because she knew full well baby shouldn't have been in her house. I said at the end of the conversation that it's happened now, I've told her I'm upset and it was a mistake and my mum then rang me crying as she said she feels like she can't to anything right (??? The only other thing that I've been upset at her about is her saying passive aggressive things to the baby like when he was crying she'd be like ohhh nooo nasty mummy do you need feeding or are you cold? Or when she'd have him for a few hours and if he was crying when we picked him up she'd say well he only cries when you come and pick him up. Lots of other things like that, calling me nasty mummy, mean mummy etc so I said please stop saying things like that because it upsets me. She cried because apparently its an affectionate thing to say to your grandchildren and its 'an older generation' thing.) She actually fell out with me, because I was upset that she took him to MILs. But I've dealt with that and me and my mum are on good terms now. This is the only boundary I've set. I let everyone hold him when they're round, I've let family feed him and spend time with him but I just feel like this smoking thing is the hill I'm willing to die on.

What's your DH saying about it all? Tbh it sounds like he needs to have a few fairly strong words with her, especially about how she talked to you about your father.

She's being a bit batshit about it all, can't remember her DGC's name? DH could suggest if this is the case a check up with the GP would be in order

YANBU about the smokey house and baby not being a good mix.

I know two grannies who both stopped smoking the minute their daughters made it clear that the baby would not be coming to their house unless the smoking stopped.
There is no way that my Dc would ever have gone to a smokers house.

No way in hell I'd let my baby be in a house where someone regularly smokes.
Does your DH truly understand the reasons why you have suggested this? Maybe if he did understand better he'd not be throwing you under the bus. I'd be annoyed with him tbh.

Have you asked your MIL round to your house though? Although I know she'd be wearing smoky clothes so that would be another tricky issue to deal with. I guess your husband has to invite her round but tell her to wear fresh/unsmoky clothes.

My MIL brought round a blanket she had her sister make. And presented it to us in a box. Well, when I opened the lid I think I breathed in about 100 fags worth in a go. MIL just said "oh it might be smokey as sister smokes a lot inside"

I was why wouldn't you wash it before giving it to the new parents? It was a gorgeous blanket but it was absolutely rank.
And then I actually ruined it by washing it on the wrong wash cycle and spent hours prying the wool apart. What a shambles it was lol.

Second hand smoke

Show your MIL and Mother this, it will soon put a stop to their gallop.

YANBU

First, Second and Thirdhand smoke is dangerous period!

The chemicals in the smoke sticks to everything, clothes, walls, curtains, upholstery, etc. Unless someone are washing all those things in their home daily, it builds up with each smoke. Why do people think there are laws against smoking indoors and landlords forbidding smoking inside? It’s more than just the mess and smell it leaves behind.

*is

Your child = your rules. I wouldn’t even get into the debate if l was you. I wouldn’t let a child of mine be exposed to smoking either

I felt like this about smoking and smokers when I was pregnant and when my son was a newborn. I found showing people the science doesn’t work. Smokers are in a permanent state a denial about how dangerous it really is. They know cigarettes are carcinogenic, but they don’t feel like it’s true. The know there is research linking 2nd and 3rd hand smoke to SIDS but it’s easier to pretend that can’t be right.

Telling people about 3rd hand smoke is like pulling teeth. I send them research links or government health recommendations and they say ´ hmm, yes I’ve heard of 2nd hand smoke but 3rd hand. No i don’t think that’s a thing.’ Total denial of the bloody evidence I literally just sent them.

Loads of people give up smoking when they become parents or grandparents. She needs to decide what matters most to her: cigarettes or her grandson. It's that simple.

I smoke, admittedly only in the conservatory, but I wouldn't be offended at all if someone didn't want to bring their baby to my house. I'm not going to stop smoking but I certainly don't judge anyone for wanting to protect their child. The dangers of second hand smoke are well publicised.

Yanbu. I don't let my dc visit anyone who smokes in their home. MIL and FIL were both told dc would not be visiting if they smoked in the house. They were both extremely offended, neither of them wanted to stop so we don't visit them, and they don't visit us either.

YANBU. She is, stupid woman.

Not letting a smoker cuddle your baby?! Don't be ridiculous!! Unless they've just put one out within the last 5/10 mins then baby will NOT inhale ANYTHING!
I gave up during pregnancy, as hard as it was. I then slowly began again (after a traumatic birth & partner having mental breakdown as a result of said birth) and was told the above about no inhalation after 5/10 mins, by a Consultant in the hospital!

This level of anxiety is honestly not healthy at all. It's also quite offensive to those who smoke, implying they shouldn't have a baby of their own. I've now quit but I know from experience that it's quite possible to be a responsible & very careful (irregular) smoker and a good parent also.
That being said, I DEFINITELY wouldn't take my baby (or child of any age) into a house where they smoke inside - never! That's a different kettle of fish.

The thing is, respectfully, it’s not about you. I’m sure you’re a brilliant mum. But choosing not to take the risk with your child isn’t necessarily about anxiety, it’s about what you see reasonable as boundaries in parenting your own child.

Everyone is talking about the smoking. Why are we even talking about the smoking at all? That is so obvious, it shouldn’t be a conversation at all. (Dare I say it, it’s a smokescreen? 🤦🏼‍♀️) If your MIL was in any way reasonable - she’d agree. Nobody on their right mind would have a newborn baby around cigarette smoke in this day and age. It goes against all modern medical advice and everyone knows this.

She is acting as though she is entitled to an experience that YOU have denied her out of spite.. The real issue (THAT NOBODY IS ADDRESSING) is her behaviour. She is acting as though she is entitled to a fantasy grandparent experience that YOU have denied her out of spite. What has she done about the smoking? Nothing. She could have made some choices to facilitate what she wanted here. She chose not to go with that. Instead, she chose to “punish” you by blocking you on WhatsApp and then accusing you of being cruel to her “like you were to your father” despite knowing the truth of that story and how much it would hurt you - and how vulnerable you were after a traumatic birth, and being knackered with a newborn, etc. THEN… Despite YOU having facilitated the visits with your DH and baby, She comes up with that bullshit about forgetting her grandson’s name, blah blah… making it all about her again, and attempts to create a divide between you and DH as well. The woman is selfish and very divisive. I don’t know why you haven’t lost your cool quite frankly. Why haven’t you made her accountable for her comments about your dad or what she said about your DH? Why haven’t you pointed out that her tantrums weren't exactly what you had planned for your postpartum experience either? You need better boundaries (and a less romantic ideal of what families “should & shouldn’t” do together.” She knows that you don’t push back when she acts up, so she’s going to continue.

When my Mum had my youngest brother - 30 years ago now - she asked her sisters not to smoke in her house when they visited the newborn - they said she was mental, lit up (all 4 of them) and blew smoke into the crib.

Yanbu absolutely not. She is extremely selfish. I used to visit my grandparents as a child and the smoking was that bad we had to change clothes and have a shower when we got home. As I grew older I used to hate visiting but I loved my grandparents so I carried on. We were the only ones in a large family that didn't smoke. My cousins all smoked and that passed onto their kids. Most of them have asthma or other breathing issues. It's a vile habit. It stinks. Why inflict that on a helpless baby. Sorry to all the smokers who kid themselves that even smoking outside is ok. The smell gets into everything. Poor kids then visit other places and school and smell so bad. I dont blame you at all but seems that your MIL is very very dramatic anyway! I don't think this would be the only issue she will have with you. Please don't give in. Be polite and kind but put your ds first xxx

Oh and by the time I had children I stopped visiting my grandparents. I just couldn't do it to my dc. X

WHat did she do@DFOD?

Yanbu.

I didn’t take my dc to my dads house until he gave up smoking (when dc2 was born).
When he came to ours he had to wear a clean jumper and have washed.

He had no issue with our choices.

For someone so seemingly desperate to have her grandson round, she's not helping herself much, is she?
You're not even asking her to give up, just to smoke outside.
Why is she happy for her home to stink of smoke? Why is she content to do something that has the potential to hurt her DGS?????

Your baby your rules.

@MilesOfSand

Not letting a smoker cuddle your baby?! Don't be ridiculous!! Unless they've just put one out within the last 5/10 mins then baby will NOT inhale ANYTHING! I gave up during pregnancy, as hard as it was. I then slowly began again (after a traumatic birth & partner having mental breakdown as a result of said birth) and was told the above about no inhalation after 5/10 mins, by a Consultant in the hospital!

This level of anxiety is honestly not healthy at all. It's also quite offensive to those who smoke, implying they shouldn't have a baby of their own. I've now quit but I know from experience that it's quite possible to be a responsible & very careful (irregular) smoker and a good parent also.
That being said, I DEFINITELY wouldn't take my baby (or child of any age) into a house where they smoke inside - never! That's a different kettle of fish.

The thing is, respectfully, it’s not about you. I’m sure you’re a brilliant mum. But choosing not to take the risk with your child isn’t necessarily about anxiety, it’s about what you see reasonable as boundaries in parenting your own child.

Eh?! Where on earth did I say it's about me?! I was giving my experience in order to back up what I was saying. I was not looking for any validation on my parenting skills thank you very much! For PP to imply that she would not allow anybody who smoked at all to cuddle her baby is taking anxiety to an unnecessary level. It also implies that smokers shouldn't have babies of there own - cue my experiences. If PP was my relative and declared such a thing, I'd be concerned they had Post Natal Anxiety

Residual smoke hangs about for hours and can still seriously affect children esp young ones. DMIL would not have to smoke at all for at least the day he was due to visit.

Eh?! Where on earth did I say it's about me?! I was giving my experience in order to back up what I was saying. I was not looking for any validation on my parenting skills thank you very much! For PP to imply that she would not allow anybody who smoked at all to cuddle her baby is taking anxiety to an unnecessary level. It also implies that smokers shouldn't have babies of there own - cue my experiences. If PP was my relative and declared such a thing, I'd be concerned they had Post Natal Anxiety

Um ok, you’re welcome, I guess. 🤷‍♀️