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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu- DH snarky comments about not being at a high pay grade

37 replies

Sleeplessem · 06/10/2021 18:43

DH and I both wfh, solid good companies (that you’ll all have heard of), we work for different companies. We’re both middle management id say, I earn low mid 30s and DH mid 40s. So DH is the pay grade above me. But a lot of the work I do is probably is working of a grade above at least, just sucks that it’s not recognised by my salary or banding. DH knows this. There was also a time that I earned over 10k more than DH but never put him down for it, encouraged him to put himself out there and leave a job he was ‘too good’ for but put him down, never. I do feel like should be more successful as I spent so long in education and so far it’s not paid off, truthfully I’m quite embarrassed about that. DH also knows that. I also took a year out on mat leave.

So here’s the AIBU part. MIL watches dc whilst we wfh but DH and I give her snacks and stuff.
Earlier in the week, DH were talking about how stacked we were at work and some pressure being on. Then he quipped well, ‘at my pay grade they expect results’ and later some comment about my job not being challenging (I think it is for a whole host of different reasons, it’s not quantum physics but it’s lots of processes and people issues).

This really upset me, made me feel like a real loser, not suggesting that anyone who earns similar or less than me is a loser or a failure, but it’s just how it was said felt like such a kick in the guts. I try really hard but it’s quite hard to progress where I am, but he knows how desperately I want to progress and I felt like it was being thrown back in my face.

Yabu- fair enough he earns more and is on a higher pay grade
Yanbu- dick comment

OP posts:
MrsColon · 06/10/2021 18:47

He sounds like a condescending twat. Is he normally like that?

Maybe he's really stressed at work and taking it out on you, but that's not ok. Have you spoken to him about it?

shepabear · 06/10/2021 18:50

It's a dick comment, for sure. But I also think that in your post you put too much emphasis on grades and salary, and you sound quite hard on yourself despite having what sounds like a good job with a decent salary. You shouldn't take what he said to heart, you know it's not true, but I think you need to go easier on yourself.

Chloemol · 06/10/2021 18:50

Did you tell him how you feel?

Original poster
Sleeplessem · 06/10/2021 18:53

To give the sod his credit he’s never normally like that. I think he was stressed with deadlines and DC was ill so he was feeling it was all a bit much.

Yeah I said it was a dick move and I felt really hurt by it and he apologised but then went to say the pressure wasn’t the same.

But it’s really made me feel like such a looser, and a failure. I’ve been proper down on myself past few days. It’s brought out a bit of anxiety in me too xx

OP posts:
Durbeyfield · 06/10/2021 18:56

Dick comment but ignore. Pick your battles. If he does similar again, challenge him.

Sparklesocks · 06/10/2021 18:57

It’s a hurtful thing to say. Being on a higher pay brass doesn’t give you the right to condescend. Jobs at all levels/grades have their challenges.

Sparklesocks · 06/10/2021 18:59

Also remember OP you aren’t defined by your job. What you do for a living or how much you earn is only one facet of who you are.

SiobhanSharpe · 06/10/2021 18:59

Totally unnecessary comments. Tell him to stop being such a wanker.
(But it does look like you're underpaid, IMO. Up to you how you address it, of course. It sounds a very responsible position, and 'low mid 30s' doesn't seem like a commensurate salary. )

Original poster
Sleeplessem · 06/10/2021 19:01

It hurt my feelings because he knows that I do feel like an under performer and that I ‘should’ be more successful.

But it’s pissed me off because without my ‘low’ salary we’d live a very different lifestyle and despite him earning more we pay everything 50/50. Only time we didn’t was when my mat pay went to Smp and then nothing, and even then I still contributed to the household expenses.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sleeplessem · 06/10/2021 19:03

@SiobhanSharpe

Totally unnecessary comments. Tell him to stop being such a wanker. (But it does look like you're underpaid, IMO. Up to you how you address it, of course. It sounds a very responsible position, and 'low mid 30s' doesn't seem like a commensurate salary. )
Yeah all things considered it’s not, unfortunately this covid environment hasn’t done wonders for hiring. I’m also expecting dc 2 so it will be another year before I can move up realistically, probably made his shitty comment sting more x
OP posts:
MontEthna · 06/10/2021 19:04

he apologised but then went to say the pressure wasn’t the same.

He might need to wake up and realise the amount of pressure you hve has nothing to do with pay grade either.

Eg nurses are paid much less than him but I suspect are often more pressure than he is!

Basically he has told you he now sees himself above you. On the complexity of what he does, the pressure blablabla.
I would also expect he thinks he deserves more of a break than you do 'because he is under more pressure/has a higher pay grade'.

FoxgloveSummers · 06/10/2021 19:07

The cheeky shit must know you take the hit for birthing HIS kids. Tell him to educate himself

Original poster
Sleeplessem · 06/10/2021 19:07

@MontEthna

he apologised but then went to say the pressure wasn’t the same.

He might need to wake up and realise the amount of pressure you hve has nothing to do with pay grade either.

Eg nurses are paid much less than him but I suspect are often more pressure than he is!

Basically he has told you he now sees himself above you. On the complexity of what he does, the pressure blablabla.
I would also expect he thinks he deserves more of a break than you do 'because he is under more pressure/has a higher pay grade'.

Basically that’s how I took it too! We also do v similar roles, his needs a specific qualification but we essentially do v v similar things
OP posts:
Paddingtonthebear · 06/10/2021 19:09

Dick comment. It doesn’t sound like he earns that much more than you do tbh. Why does he need to patronise you and your job. Sounds like he really rates himself but his salary is pretty ordinary!

minipie · 06/10/2021 19:12

Bloody hell you’re also growing his child! How can he say he’s working harder.

Have you tried asking for a raise OP?

Paddingtonthebear · 06/10/2021 19:15

Missed that you are also pregnant again! What a cheeky bastard! I would be deeply impressed too OP. But yes I would also see if there is a discussion to be had with your employee about a pay increase.

Original poster
Sleeplessem · 06/10/2021 19:17

Truth is @Paddingtonthebear he’s underpaid for his job too, he’s doing the work akin to much better paid folk (the 50k+ crowd) with both of us i do think it’s a bit of a case of why have a dog and bark yourself you know. Why would companies look to promote and vastly increase salaries when the industry is so competitive there are good people doing it for less.

@minipie we typically get one every year depending on performance, this year however I wasn’t entitled to one as I’d just come back from mat leave and profits were down….. 😭😭😭😭

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 06/10/2021 19:20

Yes, quite awful to have that kind of attitude with a partner in a marriage.

SoundBar · 06/10/2021 19:21

What an arsehole.

Flip it round on him, tell him since he earns so much and is so important you're now quitting work completely. Watch his face while he tries to work out what to say.

Give him a few minutes where he thinks you're serious and then tell him he's a fucking moron and needs to sort himself out, then go out for a nice long drive and a mini break to the supermarket or somewhere. Don't tell him anything just quietly come home a few hours later and wait for him to apologise

Clymene · 06/10/2021 19:24

So despite the fact you've grown not one but now two of his babies and took a year out of your career to raise the first one, he expects you to contribute half and then belittles you for earning less?

What a prince.

Clymene · 06/10/2021 19:25

You do realise you're subsiding him right?

M0rT · 06/10/2021 19:30

I'd be telling him his comments have made you think about the disparity in your incomes and you think you should start contributing to household expenses on a proportionate basis!
You know he's not "better" than you so I wouldn't worry about that, but if he's hanging on the 50/50 when your pregnant with his second child and already financially hit from the first then he's not exactly equal either is he?

SweeneyToddler · 06/10/2021 19:30

Tell him I earn three times as much as him and think he’s a dick.

Original poster
Sleeplessem · 06/10/2021 19:34

I’ve said now about the fact that we should pay proportionally based on income… I said 50/50 forgot he pays £100 a month more towards the bills and mortgage than me, but as there is. 13k difference in our salaries it’s hardly proportionate.

It’s honestly made me feel so small! That’s what my take home here is, I’ve always faced subtle put downs at various work places Over the years that I’m so ‘academically qualified’ (which is true but it’s means shit) and can’t get a ‘better job’. It’s a real sore spot for me, and I’m quite hard on myself by nature anyways

OP posts:
buttermutt · 06/10/2021 19:39

I don't really understand his point, how much difference is there on take home pay? it can't be that michelle