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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He should know whether he can imagine children with me?

34 replies

PoppyFlowers123 · 06/10/2021 15:30

I've been with my boyfriend since the beginning of the year. I am late 20s, he is early 40s, so quite a significant age gap. He has 2 DC from a previous relationship, I have none. He sees his DC every other weekend. Since the beginning of the year, we have seen each other pretty much daily. I stay at his place most nights, and we spend the weekends together. We have both met each others families and friends, and we are including each other in family and friends plans. I think he is great, I am beginning to fall in love with him and I can imagine a life with him. We've discussed living together and what that would involve, the practicalities etc.

Having children is important to me, and due to my age (29) I would like to start a family sooner rather than later. I told him this when on our first couple of dates and he said, 'If I meet the love of my life I would consider it.' Last night I asked him again, and he said he does not know if he wants more children. AIBU to think he should know by now if he can at least imagine having children with me? We've been together 10 months, daily contact and sharing a bed almost every night. I feel like he might be stringing me along, and he doesn't really want more children but he doesn't want me to leave him. At the same time don't want to throw away something that has been wonderful so far.

OP posts:

HarrietsChariot · 06/10/2021 15:34

End it. If he doesn't know if he wants more children, that means right now he doesn't and there's a good chance he never will. If it's a deal-breaker for you, you have your answer.

Whether to have kids or not is one of the few "legitimate" reasons to break-up a good relationship where it's nobody's fault.

Locametive · 06/10/2021 15:39

This is doomed.

He could keep stringing you along for years, saying he's 'unsure' and then your chance to be a mum will be gone as you get older.

I'd end it immediately, you deserve to be with someone who does want a family with you.

MissConductUS · 06/10/2021 15:39

I agree, if he doesn't know now it's likely a no down the road. And I can sympathize with him. Having more kids at his age must seem quite daunting.

Now would be the time to get out and find someone who is enthusiastic about having kids with you.

SirChenjins · 06/10/2021 15:41

I don’t think he’s necessarily saying he doesn’t want children with you - he just doesn’t know if he wants more children on top of the 2 he already has. I can see where he’s coming from - I know from experience that having children in your early 30s is very different to having them in your mid forties.

Unfortunately you’re caught in a very difficult situation - basically you’re being asked to choose between a life with him but without children, or a life with children, but without him. If you really don’t think he’ll change his mind it boils down to what do you think is more important to you?

Cheesepuff1 · 06/10/2021 15:41

he doesn't want children

Blossomtoes · 06/10/2021 15:42

He doesn’t want more children. If it’s a dealbreaker for you there’s no future in this relationship.

Cas112 · 06/10/2021 15:44

He would know if he wants another child.

Don't let him string you along before its too late

Lollypop701 · 06/10/2021 15:47

You already know the answer op. don’t be taken in when he says he’ll have them when you say you are breaking up. He will either change his mind or If it’s forced then I really don’t believe the relationship will last. Btw I can understand his reluctance, I wouldn’t do it at his age

Aquamarine1029 · 06/10/2021 15:50

You have saddled yourself with a much older man who already has children and who is already stringing you along. Why do this to yourself? There are loads of men your age not burdened by so much baggage. I'd be running for the hills before your youth and fertility are wasted on this man.

londonrach · 06/10/2021 15:52

He doesn't want children. .he got two and he trying to tell you he doesn't want more children. if you want children leave...it is early days relationship wise though

girlmom21 · 06/10/2021 15:53

To be honest, if you're only just starting to fall in love with him, 10 months in, I'd say he's probably not the guy you want to spend your life with anyway.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 06/10/2021 15:56

No matter hwo much either of you loves the other this is not the relationshop for you. You don't have a common goal for what is one of the most important things in any relationship!

It's not his age, it's his life experience, that means he may never want to repeat something yu want to do for the first/only time.

Only you know how important this is to you. And the choice is wholly yours! Nothing he can say should affect your decision!

Justmuddlingalong · 06/10/2021 15:56

As things stand your choice of having a family is in his hands. Either accept he has that control or end it and give yourself the opportunity to meet someone who has the same future plans as you.

Shirleyphallus · 06/10/2021 15:56

He doesn’t want children

But if you’re only just starting to fall in love with him 10 months later then it doesn’t really sound great from you either

Either way, bin it off

MissBPotter · 06/10/2021 15:57

You would be better off finding someone without children who wants children with you. He’s already got two kids so probably doesn’t want the extra expense and stress of starting a brand new family. You’re young and my preference would always be to start a family first time round together. Plus 10 months down the line and you’re not sure if you love him? Time to move on. He did string you along a bit at the start as well IMO.

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 06/10/2021 15:58

Echo PPs. He doesn’t want more children but he doesn’t want to tell you that because you might dump him and guess what, certain types of men in their forties quite like having a childless twenty something girlfriend and keeping their parenting responsibilities as a little fortnightly activity that doesn’t impinge on their bachelor lifestyle.

Listen to people on here who have seen it all play out a million times before. If you want to settle down and have children then don’t waste any more of your fertile years on this one OP. He’s been there and done it and most likely has zero interest in going back to nappies etc. But telling you that would disrupt his current comfortable set up, which is where the ‘maybes’ and dangling of hope come in.

SudokuWillNotSaveYou · 06/10/2021 15:59

He doesn’t want more children.

If it’s a dealbreaker for you, then this relationship is over.

Why I’m certain he doesn’t want kids: The reason he’s not “100% positive” is because he’s already done the baby years times two and he’s now paying for the older years times two and knows he doesn’t want to do either again, but doesn’t want to lose you. There’s a woman somewhere in the UK probably dealing with this situation (older wonderful bloke doesn’t want kids but won’t be completely honest about it) once a week.

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 06/10/2021 16:00

Oh and have a good read of the step parenting boards on here before asking yourself if you really want to have your first child with someone who has existing kids. You are 29 OP…this isn’t your only option!

Original poster

PoppyFlowers123 · 06/10/2021 16:00

@girlmom21

I've been somewhat forcing myself not to fall in love with him and to remain neutral and cynical, because of this children issue.

OP posts:

FlowerArranger · 06/10/2021 16:02

If I were in my early 40s and already had two children, it is VERY likely that I'd not want more. If this is a deal breaker for you, @PoppyFlowers123, you'll need to let him go

girlmom21 · 06/10/2021 16:05

[quote PoppyFlowers123]@girlmom21

I've been somewhat forcing myself not to fall in love with him and to remain neutral and cynical, because of this children issue.[/quote]
Rightly so I think. You deserve someone who wants the same things as you and doesn't keep you hanging on x

GroggyLegs · 06/10/2021 16:05

This is the most sensible OP I have ever read on MN.

Sadly I don't think it's good that he hasn't got a straight answer for you.

I do think it's good that you're brave and wise enough to expect a straigt answer before this goes any further

TumtumTree · 06/10/2021 16:08

I agree with you, OP. After a nearly a year together and if you're discussing living together, he should be able to give you a more definite answer to this. You may be right that he doesn't want any more children but doesn't want to admit that as he thinks (correctly!) that he'll lose you.

lifecoachingandotherbollocks · 06/10/2021 16:08

@girlmom21

To be honest, if you're only just starting to fall in love with him, 10 months in, I'd say he's probably not the guy you want to spend your life with anyway.

I did think that seemed a long time too

Freddiefox · 06/10/2021 16:08

He’s really stringing you along.

Have a chat with him, I wonder if he will say something like he’d like them in a few years just to keep hold of you.

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