He should know whether he can imagine children with me?

[PoppyFlowers123]

I've been with my boyfriend since the beginning of the year. I am late 20s, he is early 40s, so quite a significant age gap. He has 2 DC from a previous relationship, I have none. He sees his DC every other weekend. Since the beginning of the year, we have seen each other pretty much daily. I stay at his place most nights, and we spend the weekends together. We have both met each others families and friends, and we are including each other in family and friends plans. I think he is great, I am beginning to fall in love with him and I can imagine a life with him. We've discussed living together and what that would involve, the practicalities etc.

Having children is important to me, and due to my age (29) I would like to start a family sooner rather than later. I told him this when on our first couple of dates and he said, 'If I meet the love of my life I would consider it.' Last night I asked him again, and he said he does not know if he wants more children. AIBU to think he should know by now if he can at least imagine having children with me? We've been together 10 months, daily contact and sharing a bed almost every night. I feel like he might be stringing me along, and he doesn't really want more children but he doesn't want me to leave him. At the same time don't want to throw away something that has been wonderful so far.

@MayorGoodwaysChicken

Echo PPs. He doesn’t want more children but he doesn’t want to tell you that because you might dump him and guess what, certain types of men in their forties quite like having a childless twenty something girlfriend and keeping their parenting responsibilities as a little fortnightly activity that doesn’t impinge on their bachelor lifestyle.

Listen to people on here who have seen it all play out a million times before. If you want to settle down and have children then don’t waste any more of your fertile years on this one OP. He’s been there and done it and most likely has zero interest in going back to nappies etc. But telling you that would disrupt his current comfortable set up, which is where the ‘maybes’ and dangling of hope come in.

Completely agree with this. Trust your instincts. He already has kids he barely sees, cut him loose and find someone worthy of you that shares the vision of future you want.

I would also be asking myself if he has enough money to pay for two children and contribute to another household AND have children with me and contribute to my household. And if he has the energy and commitment to give a real 100% parenting effort to all 3, 4, 5 of the children he might have. Will he be on the touchline of DC1's sports day then rush home to take care of my baby? I'd be making my own judgement too about whether he was the best father for MY children, not just waiting for him to decide.

In a sense, the fact he's reticent about it is a point in his favour. If my DH and I split up I can never in a million years imagine him withdrawing any of his support or time from our children to have more...whatever he thought of me by then. He wouldn't want to put his existing kids through having to deal with step siblings.

why not go for a guy who has no children already?

Most men of my age (mid 40s) are pretty clear they have “had their kids”. Dh knows a few whose younger wives have pushed them into it - boy do they moan to their peers. Limited sympathy 🙄.

Parenting small children is hard most of us men and women of this age are loathe to go back to that once our kids are late primary onwards. The thought makes me shudder tbh and dh feels the same.

Dump him and find someone who does want kids.

[quote PoppyFlowers123]@girlmom21

I've been somewhat forcing myself not to fall in love with him and to remain neutral and cynical, because of this children issue.[/quote]
Then channel that cynical side and walk!

That you have been second guessing yourself is all the information you need.

This was a nice interlude but isn't the long term relationship for you.

Move on.

How old are his current kids? It’s a very daunting prospect to consider going back to nappies and pre-school once your kids are in school, even more so if they are coming up teenagers etc. I wouldn’t do it even if i did meet the ‘love of my life’ - I actually think that is a strange reason to give, as surely you want more kids because you want more kids and are ready to be a parent again (though obviously with the right person!)

Tbh ‘not sure’ in this sort of situation tends to mean ‘I do know but am hoping to put off that conversation because I like spending time with you and don’t want it to end’, sorry.

Have you also stopped and looked at how he parents his current children and asked yourself if that’s who you want as the father of your kids? Any man who can happily plod along with contact with their child EVERY TWO WEEKS is not a good dad. My husband would be beside himself to have such little contact with our kids. It would destroy him. You cannot play any meaningful role as a parent on two weekly contact schedule (and I know, that’s exactly how much I saw my dad growing up). Why are you sizing him up as a good candidate to father your own children?

exactly @MayorGoodwaysChicken

Honestly OP, it sounds to me as if having children is more important to you.

I'd end this relationship.