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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Changing my surname.

33 replies

hugocat · 06/10/2021 13:08

Basically, when I divorced I kept my marriage name as it was the same as my daughters. I'm re marrying again next year. My fiancé doesn't mind but my daughter is a bit upset that I might change my name.

Has anyone re married and kept their ex husband's name to keep it the same as their child's or AIBU?

OP posts:
WhereIsMumHiding3 · 06/10/2021 13:21

How old is your daughter?
It's up to you what you do with your name when you remarry. I can see why you would want to start afresh with new H2B

Tbh most people change their name when they remarry and it's just one of those things

You could keep your name same as your daughters just for school purposes and use your new married name elsewhere, so it isn't quite as obvious for DD.

I think I'd explain it that she "has Daddy's last name and now Mum and Dad aren't together and mum is getting married you will have a different last name to Dad now"

dementedpixie · 06/10/2021 13:25

Can he change his name to yours so that you all match? Or just keep the name you have

d15c4lcul14 · 06/10/2021 13:26

@dementedpixie I'm not sure her new DH would want to have her exH's surname?

ftw163532 · 06/10/2021 13:27

[quote d15c4lcul14]@dementedpixie I'm not sure her new DH would want to have her exH's surname?[/quote]
No, it's her name.

Unless you're suggesting women only ever lease men's surnames and don't have their own?

dementedpixie · 06/10/2021 13:28

[quote d15c4lcul14]@dementedpixie I'm not sure her new DH would want to have her exH's surname?[/quote]
Why should she be expected to change hers then?

BakingOfTheFoodCats · 06/10/2021 13:31

I think it would be weird for him to change it to yours personally. So I wouldn’t do that suggestion, not because it’s a man changing it to a woman but because it’s the same name as ex husband.

thinkbiglittleone · 06/10/2021 13:32

I was just thinking the same about him changing his name, then your daughter is happy and you have the same name as your future husband.

My mum seen our surname as our family name, not my dads, so when they split she kept it so it was still our family name.
If she wanted to remarry she would never have lost her family name.

dementedpixie · 06/10/2021 13:33

But it's her name now and the name of her daughter. It's a pain in the arse to change it too; I've done it once and I'm not sure I'd want to do it again.

BakingOfTheFoodCats · 06/10/2021 13:34

So 🤷‍♀️ I would want a fresh start, what if they have more kids then they will be getting exes name? It’s a no from me, Kids don’t always get their own way

stairway · 06/10/2021 13:35

She got the name from her ex husband not from her own biological family so I doubt a new husband would want that name.

SoupDragon · 06/10/2021 13:35

I didn't change my surname when I got divorced and I would not change it if I got married again. If my prospective husband had a problem with that, he wouldn't be a prospective husband!

dementedpixie · 06/10/2021 13:37

@hugocat what age is your dd?
Could you turn your married name into a double barrelled name so that part of it matches your dd?

herculesoffline · 06/10/2021 13:40

@BakingOfTheFoodCats

I think it would be weird for him to change it to yours personally. So I wouldn’t do that suggestion, not because it’s a man changing it to a woman but because it’s the same name as ex husband.
So if her ex remarried would it be weird for his new wife to have the same surname as OP?
WeepySheepy · 06/10/2021 13:42

Just get rid of your last name like Cheryl did?

I'd use whatever name you feel you want to. Your daughter will adapt

WeepySheepy · 06/10/2021 13:43

So if her ex remarried would it be weird for his new wife to have the same surname as OP as a new wife I found it weird so kept my own. He's had a Mrs hisname he doesn't get another one

Cocomarine · 06/10/2021 13:46

I always kept my maiden name, married twice. Children have dad’s surname (first husband) not from any sense of it being more important - it’s just a lovely unusual name and mine is really common. None of us have ever cared about having different names, but that’s normal for us.

In this case, I would keep your name. You don’t need his, and this is more comfortable for her.

CrimeJunkie01 · 06/10/2021 13:50

I remarried and changed my name, but I still go by the kids surname when the school ring etc. It saves confusion. Also it is beyond the wit of the school to realise I have a different surname

I've once divorced and kept my married name as I love it and m know professionally by it.

Alicesweewonders · 06/10/2021 13:51

Keep your name, would he have an issue with this?

I'm glad I kept mine upon marriage, men never have to deal with this crap / nor it seems are they expected to.

Jemsi · 06/10/2021 13:53

I think if it was your maiden name, that would be different.
However I disagree with PP having changed your name for one marriage, I don’t think you can then have much grounds to be asking OH to change to that.
If you like the name then just stick with it- but you haven’t actually said in the OP what you want to do? What’s your preference?
Are you planning future children with new husband?

BakingOfTheFoodCats · 06/10/2021 13:54

So if her ex remarried would it be weird for his new wife to have the same surname as OP?

Actually yes it would, but I wouldn’t want to have my exes surname but it’s understandable why op kept it however if I remarried and wanted to have more kids I wouldn’t want them to have my exes surname.

Frostine · 06/10/2021 13:55

Not me but a friend of mine married aged 16 ( early 80s ) did not stay married many years but had 2 children . These are now in their 40s and long flown the nest. She has been re married for 25+ plus years but has still kept her first husbands name .

WashableVelvet · 06/10/2021 13:58

Could you double barrel yours?

Skinnymuffins · 06/10/2021 14:01

But when you're daughter grows up, she may get married and take on her husbands name? Then you're not matched anyway?

IM0GEN · 06/10/2021 14:07

@Frostine

Not me but a friend of mine married aged 16 ( early 80s ) did not stay married many years but had 2 children . These are now in their 40s and long flown the nest. She has been re married for 25+ plus years but has still kept her first husbands name .
But it’s not just her first husbands name - it’s now her name and her children’s name.
daisyjgrey · 06/10/2021 14:07

I kept my married name for the same reason, then a few years later got really furious about it and legally double barrelled my daughters name with her dads and my maiden.

All my passport and drivers licence etc is up for renewal next year and I am (hopefully) graduating from a doctorate soon after and I will be damned if my married name goes on that and follows me around for my whole precessional career, so I'll be changing back to my maiden name next year sometime.

I am engaged and did briefly think about double barrelling my maiden with my fiancés surname when we get married in a few years but I genuinely cannot be arsed, it makes it harder professionally and he doesn't care so I'll stay Dr X, fiancé will be Mr Y and daughter will be Ms X-Z.

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