How long to take off work for Grandparent

[BlueButterfliesAndPurpleStars]

AIBU more for traffic as it's not a straight yes / no, but I want to avoid being U.

Grandma passed today. She's been fighting cancer for over 3 years but the end went super quickly.

I'm next of kin. My mum passed 2 years ago. No other close family. She was my "other mother" as Dad passed when I was 2, and honestly she was more a mum to me than my own Mum.

When Mum passed I just felt weird and relieved. Had no idea what I was "supposed" to do in hospital.

Seeing Grandma today (she passed at home), I hugged her and talked to her and sobbed.

Have spent all day arranging undertakers, making personal phone calls and now I'm numb.

I need to book an appt with the funeral director, make arrangements etc. I live an hour away. I'm happy to take whatever time as holiday, I'm not taking any over Xmas and have plenty to use. Work have been super supportive over anything and have said "take as long as you need". How long do I need?

On top of that I potentially have Covid, middle DD tested positive on LFT and I've felt rubbish but negative LFT. Awaiting PCR results. Would prob have phoned in sick for today (dealing with any immediates) to recover but this happened instead (and was told to forget about Covid in this instance).

What's the balance of not making myself ill trying to "be OK"? I'm WFH. I'm thinking saying I'll "be there" but no client facing, delegating what I can for the rest of the week? Would that be OK? It can be marked as annual leave if that's best. Thursday is my day off anyway. I'm on PT hours so only 4 hours the other days.

I'm just numb and can't think straight. I have so much to sort to make sure she gets the best send off ever. I want to call her and ask her what to do. She was my Mum. Not by name but she was.

I’m so so sorry for your loss. On the practical side of things there will be

If you are organising the funeral, then at least a week, but you may need more time for personal grief

Sorry I posted too soon.
There will be a lot to do. Take at least a week for the practical stuff. Phoning other relatives will be particularly draining.
You also need to be super careful of your health if you do have Covid and rest, rest, rest. Pushing through is likely to lead to Long Covid in my opinion.
Be kind to yourself. Work can wait.

Everyone is different, but I would plan to take a couple of weeks off. You should check their policy for compassionate leave and then top up with annual leave if you can. Also if you are sick then take those days off as sick leave

Look after yourself

It doesn't sound like you have much support around you - do you have siblings, cousins, a DP? I think you need to take the rest of the week off and then review with your manager on Monday if you arexready to go back.

So sorry for your loss OP No one call tell you op. What do work mean by take as long as you need? Do they have compassionate leave or are you using annual leave from day 1? If you are using leave I would self certify for a week instead (assuming you get sick pay) and speak with the doctor if you require longer. You aren’t on holiday OP. Be kind to yourself

I'm so sorry, you must be utterly devastated

Speaking as a manager, I would absolutely expect you to take compassionate leave in this instance, but adding covid into the mix, I'd want to have a brief, gentle conversation with you, see how you are, and arrange a conversation with you at the end of the week.

Decisions might not need to be made immediately as to how to record your absence.

I'd potentially initially consider a period of sick leave for covid (dependent on how you are) and compassionate leave for the around the funeral.

Please do remember that you need space to grieve, and there is no right or wrong amount of time that you should take. Some of my team have taken 2 - 3 days, others 2 - 3 weeks (DH/ DC).

Sending you a hug 🫂

Don't go back to work before the funeral. You'll probably need time off after the funeral as well just for the practical aspects of sorting out her estate. If your work is a 'take as long as you need' kind of place (mine is) then do precisely that.

Thank you, so much everyone.

I'd asked my manager for a quick zoom when I got back but was just after they logged off. I've booked something in her calendar for first thing tomorrow morning.

I can't reply to each post right now but no, limited support around - we were a very small, close knit family. Have exes' step mum / dad (she drived me today) and some dear friends of hers, but I'm the only "real" family to be able to make proper decisions for her.

I know in usual circumstances a Grandparent doesn't mean significant time off, but these feel really different. I'd kept HR in the loop so they know how scared I was about it. Spoke briefly on zoom to HR which is where I was told to log off, do what I needed, take as long as I need.

I'll have the call with my manager and take it from there. I don't mind how it's logged, my main thing is not to feel like I'm doing wrong by work as they are so brilliant to me. It's really helped to hear you all say I'm OK to ask for at least a week to get things sorted and have some space to grieve, while also not pushing it if is Covid. I've felt OK that wise all day, prob due to adrenaline, but feel twice as bad tonight symptom wise.

She was such a strong, brilliant, beautiful lady and my absolute pillar of strength in life. She fought so hard and was sharp as a nail right up until yesterday when she could speak with the pain.

You're likely in shock, grief is a process.
From a practical perspective take 7-10 days now to make all the necessary arrangements.
Most importantly look after yourself. Really sorry for your loss. RiP Grandma 🙏

My DH lost his mum recently. He is very practical, we knew this was coming etc. He said he didn't need lots of time... I told him to take some time. He took 2 weeks, funeral was on the Friday he went back to work on the following Monday. He needed space to readjust, to help the kids through it.

If you do have COVID too then just take the time as sick. The whole combination will hit you and you need to give yourself time to catch up otherwise you will end up in a bad state.

Take care.

My father passed recently. His funeral was a Tuesday and my worked granted compassionate leave until the end of that week, so it worked out about 3.5 weeks.

Thank you again everyone

Spoke to my manager this morning and she let me cry and talk. She reiterated to take as long as I need, and will speak to HR for me to see how things need to be recorded so I don't end up out of pocket. She said she doesn't expect me in for the rest of the week at the very least, and to not even look at emails. That they would cover things.

A colleague also contacted me on FB to say to not worry about work, to take as long as I need, she would cover things. And another on teams to say everything is covered.

I can't say how thankful I am to them all. It means I can spend today, very slowly working through phone calls in my pjs, trying to be half as organised as my Grandma was. I think I will need work next week to distract myself so should be able to catch up on things then. Due to all the Covid delays it looks like the funeral won't be for 3 weeks or so but (providing a negative PCR result) I should be able to go back down to sort some initial things with the funeral director this week.

Thank you everyone. I'm sorry so many of you are speaking from experience

Sorry, forgot to name change - I'm OP (and will be back to a better place in time!! Though she, for sure, is in a better place after everything she Suffes with such an awful illness)

So sorry for your loss. My advice - having gone through this twice - is to play it by ear. You don’t know how you’ll feel next week. If you find you can’t cope with going in don’t do it. You might go in to work and find you’re as much use as a chocolate teapot (I did) and it’s better not to be there. 💐

Me again.

I feel like I've done all the practical stuff so far. Clothes to the undertakers. Made all the phone calls by going through her (very large) circle of friends. 30 or so phone calls, over half of which I'll need to go back to once we have a date (feels like a lot to me at least! She was so well loved). That was prompted from having someone contact me on Friday when they couldn't get hold of her so I might have left it too late, but I did my best. The rest of the week has flown.

Work have been in touch, I've been granted the standard 3 days (which would have been what I took last week), plus an additional day and the funeral, and extra time needed can be taken as sick leave / and / or annual leave. Stress on whatever I need and we'll figure it out. They are so brilliant. I've been told I'm a key member of staff they don't want to lose so they will support me in whatever way I need. I wish all companies were this brilliant.

I think I'll try working tomorrow with a block on doing any client facing meetings for a while.

I know it's just my grandma, but she was my mum for most of my life as mum was too poorly to look after me properly and I didn't have a dad. She never wanted to leave me to deal with things in my own and fought so hard to stay with me. She said last week she didn't want to leave me as she couldn't bear to not be there with me and didn't want to add to my plate. I told her we were so close that I would always be able to talk to her in my head and know what she would say. I meant it at the time, but now I don't hear her anymore and things feel overwhelming.

I keep thinking I need to call her. I wish someone would send me some flowers. I know it's silly. I want some flowers so I can think of her when I see them.

I want to give up on this silly, silly life. I won't. My kids need me. But just feels like pain after pain.

I'll be arranging more counselling.

Take some sick leave if you need to....if you take annual leave then when you actually need some annual leave for a well deserved break...you won’t have any left...your GP would sign you off

@lachy

I'm so sorry, you must be utterly devastated

Speaking as a manager, I would absolutely expect you to take compassionate leave in this instance, but adding covid into the mix, I'd want to have a brief, gentle conversation with you, see how you are, and arrange a conversation with you at the end of the week.

Decisions might not need to be made immediately as to how to record your absence.

I'd potentially initially consider a period of sick leave for covid (dependent on how you are) and compassionate leave for the around the funeral.

Please do remember that you need space to grieve, and there is no right or wrong amount of time that you should take. Some of my team have taken 2 - 3 days, others 2 - 3 weeks (DH/ DC).

Sending you a hug 🫂

I think lots of people would need far far more than 2 to 3 weeks for the death of a partner or child🙄... and OP can be signed off sick for bereavement not just Covid.... I’m sure your This post had good intentions ..... but it comes across badly IMO.... Everyone I know who has lost a partner has had 6 months minimum off work ( although I know not everyone gets 6 months pay)

@Kitkat151

Take some sick leave if you need to....if you take annual leave then when you actually need some annual leave for a well deserved break...you won’t have any left...your GP would sign you off

Thank you

I might speak to my GP. I've been on anti depressants for just over a month now for other reasons, and was just starting to feel less hopeless.

Now this feels like a final blow. As much as I KNEW it was going to happen. It just feels like life will never be OK. I know it probably will, at some point. This is the last hurdle maybe before things are OK. But it doesn't feel like they will.

I did CBT during the year, my lovely counsellor signed me off and hoped he would never see me again. But I think I need to re-refer.

I feel stupid. In a sense, I've now one less thing to worry about. How things would end for her, how I would cope with the end. It's done now.

I want to suck it up and get on with stuff. It's just brought up so much with seeing Mum and 2 years ago and now her. I left Mum within half an hour. I spent hours with Grandma. I didn't want them to have to take her.

"I think lots of people would need far far more than 2 to 3 weeks for the death of a partner or child🙄... and OP can be signed off sick for bereavement not just Covid.... I’m sure your This post had good intentions ..... but it comes across badly IMO.... Everyone I know who has lost a partner has had 6 months minimum off work ( although I know not everyone gets 6 months pay)"

Agreed, though I know the PP had good intentions. I've spent time with eldest DD in hospital (mental health issues) and if things had gone badly I'd have been useless. I actually took 9 months off to support her, which adds to my wariness of taking time off (I don't want to drip feed as I wanted to know "standard" times not bringing our history into it if that makes sense). I've been back about 6 months (part time, previously full time). Work seem to be taking it into account and being more supportive. When it could go the other way as they've already been so supportive. I have to make sure she doesn't get to the point of making another attempt on her life with this.

Honestly, it's all just so crap.

You take all the time you need. If your work has a set number of days then you can get your gp to sign you off if you aren’t ready to return

@NotYourCupOfTea

You take all the time you need. If your work has a set number of days then you can get your gp to sign you off if you aren’t ready to return

Thank you

Take a week just now for the practicalities then see how you feel.

I'm so sorry for your loss

Is bereavement leave in you t&c’s? NHS get up to 1 day for grandparent to attend the funeral and 6 days for immediate family. You get a few days if you are the executor of the will too. If you lived with your grandma instead of your mum I’d say it would be more of an immediate family situation. Once you’ve done the arrangements do you think you’d feel better being off or keeping busy? Maybe take a week and see how you feel?

Thank you all. I'm a moment of desperation tonight thinking of going back to work tomorrow, I messaged the HR director (we've worked together on a domestic violence campaign and more recently looking towards a young persons campaign). On her advice I called the EAP line and am awaiting a call back.

This is truly complicated grief. I want out.

I'm not suicidal but I also don't want to do things anymore. Life is bullshit (sorry).

If I die, I'm fine with that. I'm not going to do anything to make it so, but I don't want to fight anymore.

I'm organising counselling. Things will be fine. I know it's just my grandma. But it's more complicated than that.