Paralysed by school decision - how do you do big decisions?

[dailily]

Trying to pick Secondary school for DD2 and agonising over it. If I'm honest with myself, then we should have sold our lovely house and moved to different town with better local schools a few years ago and then I woudn't be in this mess.

Now have a choice of:

Local school 1 with below average results but good rep for pastoral care. DD1 currently here in Yr8 - its ok, nothing special.

or

Local school 2 with above average results but bad rep for pastoral care

or

Private school an hour away with good results and good pastoral. Would need to remortgage to afford fees for both DC but have a relatively small mortgage at mo.

DD1 is less academic and has lots stuff going on outside of school, while DD2 is more academic, "loves" school, but less organised and would struggle with the discipline at school 2.

Both my DH and I struggle with big life decisions. We love where we live and couldnt decide where to move for a better school so ended up not doing anything. We have gone round and round in circles on this for at least 5 years so please don't say, just move!

How do you make these big decisions? And can you make mine for me!

Is your DD Year 6? If so, where does she want to go?

1 & 2 would each be the right choice for different children. You have to base it on what this specific child needs most? Is it pushing academically or is good pastoral care?

I would discount the private option. Year 8 DD wouldn't especially want to change schools I don't suppose & you can't have one in private education and one not.

If in doubt, do nothing.
We sold our lovely home for 'better' schools that were further away.

I miss my old house every day and while the schools are better academically, being local and with friends trumps that for us.

Secondary school is a long time if you have to travel. If I could rewind four years, I'd stay local and in my house. Therefore, I'd say choice 1.

I might also add...trust your gut.
When I've ignored mine, I get it wrong!

I had the same dilemma a year ago between average local state school within walking distance and good state (faith) school a few miles away. In the end I worked it out on logistics - the faith school was an impractical journey that would have necessitated 3 different types of public transport and she didn't know anyone going there. I have a few doubts still if it was the right thing to do but being closer to the school and staying with some friends does seem to have helped my DC.

@middleager

I might also add...trust your gut. When I've ignored mine, I get it wrong!

Copied and pasted from elsewhere:

Recently, I have had several big decisions looming in my face. People often tell me, “Trust your gut, it’ll lead you down the right path.” While mentally healthy, confident people can probably trust their gut and be fine, the rest of us need to tell it to STFU. My gut is filled with anxiety, fear, and self-doubt.

DD1 is less academic and has lots stuff going on outside of school, while DD2 is more academic, "loves" school, but less organised and would struggle with the discipline at school 2.

Sounds like you already know to pick school 1.

What does DD1 think?

Honestly having just moved my miserable year 9 daughter out of a high performing school I would go for good pastoral care every time!

Seems clear to me to choose school one, especially as you already have a child there. Having children in two different secondary schools will make life unnecessarily more complicated.

My eldest did best at a local school with good pastoral care and below average results. The high performing school she got into after based on her amazing results was awful for her. She left early with no qualifications and low self-esteem.

I'm in the same boat at the moment looking at secondary schools and am yet to find anything that fully meets my criteria (a decent state school that we can get into and has some outside space) or a private school that doesn't pile on too much pressure and has outdoor space or a field where kids can just stretch their legs at lunch or break times. I would just send him to the very nice underperforming state school up the road, but he is incredibly good at maths (well ahead of where he should be) and state primary have not had the time or resources to do anything with him. If he was average across the board, then I think that state school would be fine for him. He's also not one of those precocious/ over confident children who work hard and are ambitious. I'm not massively bothered about how he does at GCSE level as he's not an all rounder. He is just very good at maths/physics/technology etc, really enjoys these subjects and wants a challenge. I'm signing him up to taster days and hope that he at least finds one that excites him.

Doesn't sound like there is much to debate to me. Maybe I'm reading it wrong.

I had three children in three different schools at one point.
They all needed different things and were at the best school for their needs

I do think though that you have made your choice and that it's school 1. Instead of private school, you could also consider a private tutor on occasion or holiday clubs that would interest her.

School one and get them tutors and set good routines.

Do as my friend did, local school with their friends but each child had extra private tuition 2 days after school. Top stream for everything. Did marvellously at GCSE then went on to local town's 6th form college for A levels, again all A*

Sounds like an obvious choice for school 1, really. If it turns out to be a poor fit, private is still an option.

Where does your DD want to go?

What does dd2 want to do? We had a choice between a large, outstanding high school and a good, small one where my DS's friends were going and he enjoyed all the taster days. He chose the smaller one and is very happy and doing well.
I believe children won't learn unless they're happy and settled.

In my experience, you get the most bang for your buck with private education in the latter years of education.

As it would be a stretch now, I'd plan to reassess for sixth form - you'd get most of the benefit in terms of A Level grades and destinations with only two years of fees to pay.

If you think DD2 will struggle with the discipline at School 2, don't send her there; send her to School 1. You can always top up with tutors.

Do you actually get a choice? We don't here, you have to go to the nearest one.

1 plus tutors. Think really hard about appropriate university choices, give them house deposit. Set up nicely.

Find out whether you actually have a choice, will she get a place anywhere but school 1?
Write down all the things that matter to you and your DD about school. Go to all the possible schools with DD if you can, and 'score' them. Pros and cons, including friendships, travel time, and if seriously considering independent, what that would mean you can't afford. The obvious choice is to send her to the same school as DD1, but that should be a proper decision, if you have options. Ask your DD1 for her advice too, she knows the school and knows DD2 better than anyone.

Also, find out how well the 'academic' kids do at the local school. There are lots of schools where the stats are rubbish because of the intake, but the bright motivated kids in top set still do really well. Also moving towns won't necessarily get your kids into a different school.

I kind of also agree with the sentiment that giving children a house deposit in lieu of private school fees could give them just as much assistance. I went to a good state school. Out of my friends, quite a lot went to private school and are sending their kids there and for many of them, I don't think that it has made a huge difference in terms of careers. My Dad does when I was young and I received a lump sum at 21, which enabled me to get straight onto the property ladder. It wasn't a huge amount, but enough to put down a deposit on my first flat and that really paid off.

Died, not does