Paralysed by school decision - how do you do big decisions?

[dailily]

Trying to pick Secondary school for DD2 and agonising over it. If I'm honest with myself, then we should have sold our lovely house and moved to different town with better local schools a few years ago and then I woudn't be in this mess.

Now have a choice of:

Local school 1 with below average results but good rep for pastoral care. DD1 currently here in Yr8 - its ok, nothing special.

or

Local school 2 with above average results but bad rep for pastoral care

or

Private school an hour away with good results and good pastoral. Would need to remortgage to afford fees for both DC but have a relatively small mortgage at mo.

DD1 is less academic and has lots stuff going on outside of school, while DD2 is more academic, "loves" school, but less organised and would struggle with the discipline at school 2.

Both my DH and I struggle with big life decisions. We love where we live and couldnt decide where to move for a better school so ended up not doing anything. We have gone round and round in circles on this for at least 5 years so please don't say, just move!

How do you make these big decisions? And can you make mine for me!

Let the child decide? They can always move school if it doesn't suit, not ideal but those I know who have moved have done

DD finished secondary school this year.

My advice would be to keep it simple.

More time travelling equals less time to study, and more stress.

I'm a firm beliiever that no matter which school they go to it is parental support that makes the difference.

Also do ask for their choice. Staying in contact with their friends may be very important for them, given the two rubbish years we have had.

Would also question who is giving you reviews of the schools.

And then there is the aspect of what you want. If you are working, do you really want a long commute in the morning and evening, or would it work better if they can walk there.

I’m of the opinion rightly or wrongly that happy kids will learn. It could be the best school in the world but if they’re miserable there’s no point. Send her where she’ll be happy.

You can use private tutors if necessary along side school 1. It will be cheaper than private school

My experience of secondary school , having one in Y11 and one in Y9 is that pastoral care is the most imputation thing.

My DS'a school has been brilliant at supporting my son through some very tough times and is also an outstanding grammar that gets excellent results.

DD's academy was great on paper at improving the outcomes for kids and is well thought of locally but in reality it was run like a prison so we eventually took her out and she has just started at a private school and is already much happier.

Imputation!??? That was meant to say important!

My dd went to a large, outstanding school with poor pastoral care. She struggled with the atmosphere. The head wants to improve standards - attitude, uniform and grades - but IMO he should have taken steps to improve pastoral care rather than going down the very strict route. Especially during Covid. Dd and a lot of children increasingly do not like the school. The teachers are incredibly stressed. She now goes to a small private school.

Where are your dd2’s friends applying to go? Has she given a preference? Have you visited the schools? I would say send your dd2 to the school with better pastoral care and if she isn’t excelling, you could send her to a private school. My dd wanted to go to another outstanding school, which is smaller with better pastoral care but didn’t get a place.

How is your dd1 getting on? Ideally if you were to send her privately, you’d do it yr9 latest. Private schools generally offer a minimum of 3 languages. One will likely be Latin or Mandarin, which may be an option by yr9. But the others, probably a combi of French and Spanish or French and German will most likely be compulsory until yr10. The school will fill a gap. But something to appreciate.

I would send mine to private if I could possibly afford it.

School 1 for sure. What's not to like? You know the school already so less likely to have unpleasant surprises, both dc can walk together or with friends. The results are poorer as they don't push but bright dc with great support and work ethic will excel in a place like that as they'll easily get into the top set, which is much harder in the pushy academic school. This will also give them confidence rather than scraping by in lower set at the high achieving school.

DD1 currently here in Yr8 - its ok, nothing special. What do you mean by 'nothing special'? What's lacking in your view?

Having to commute to the next town can be PIA especially in 6th form when their timetable is much less regular.

Sounds like you have a great set up, nice house, DDS settled. Stop worrying and enjoy all that is going so well.

Do people really remortgage to send their kids to private school?!

I'd go for school 1 because (a) her sister is there and (b) you say she would struggle with discipline at school 2.

I sympathise op we have talked about moving for years but it's like I just can't ever make the final decision. Making a big decision is particularly hard when essentially we are lucky privileged people who will be fine either way

I think that if you love your home and can't muster the enthusiasm to move then just choose the school with good pastoral care

School 1 - I'm a secondary teacher and would always prioritise good pastoral care over a schools results.

School 1

So many helpful responses - thank you!

My DD1 is happy at school 1 but many of her friends aren't which is partly why we are looking elsewhere. I'm not sure why, if it's at teenage thing that DD1 is yet to arrive at, Covid, the realisation of what it means to be a woman in this world etc.. I don't know, but there is a lot of unhappy girls in Yr 8/Yr 9. Maybe this is usual for that age group? From what I can gather, the school is helpful, but struggling with the numbers who need help.

It's not great academically, minimal homework, extra cirricular non-existent, sport low priority. But, at least we know what these issues are and can bolster outside of school.

I don't know so much about school 2. Parents I know all say the same - good results but v strict. Lots ot DD2 friends will be going.

Re. getting a tutor. I see this all the time on posts but really, we'd probably need a tutor for 7 subjects - do people do this, or pick 1-2 subject that need the most help, or are there magic generic KS3 tutors?

If dd2 goes to private school will dd1 stay in her current school?

This is purely hypothetical for me but I really couldn't justify investing that much money in the education of one child and not the other, unless there were significant need that made private the only option. How will you justify the decision in years to come if dd2 has significantly better opportunities and achievements resulting from her education?

School,1 every time. Good pastoral care is worth more than statistics for good exam results. If your DD2 is better academically then she will do well wherever she goes. Stay where you are and definitely don't remortgage your house for school fees. The kids will remember the reason you were struggling and feel guilty about the fact you did that and it will be an extra burden they don't need.

Send her to school 1. Bright kids do ok in almost any school. Kids who need more support can be utterly destroyed by a school with shit pastoral care (and the general lack of support that goes with it).

a lot of unhappy girls in Yr 8/Yr 9. Maybe this is usual for that age group? From what I can gather, the school is helpful, but struggling with the numbers who need help.

I think it’s partly quite usual for this age group, and partly Covid related, and partly societal pressure. There’s no magic fix that means your child will be happy all the time at secondary school.

Where does your DD2 want to go?

@Hugoslavia

I do think though that you have made your choice and that it's school 1. Instead of private school, you could also consider a private tutor on occasion or holiday clubs that would interest her.

This.

Good pastoral care is a huge bonus in a school.
Private tutoring as an extra support can really help.
Being happy is secondary school is HUGE.

I would go for school 1 and bolster with a tutor for either English/Maths if needed.

At least her sibling is there and you know the school. Good pastoral care would be very high on my list after the past 18 months.

Lower results doesn't mean teaching us poor and more able kids can't achieve high.

Both my kids went to the local comprehensive, results below average but brilliant school with students with all walk of life. A school that focus on teaching independent skills.

Both excelled there as did most academic kids. There were just a higher number of kids not much academic that made the average lower.

How do we make big decisions?
We don't really
We sent our kids to the schools that were walking distance from the house we bought before we ever contemplated kids
We thought everyone did that and were honestly surprised at the level of angst

DC2 it's an even easier decision. He is obviously going to the school DC1 goes to.
I can't be doing with 2 separate schools to interact with and it saves on the uniform

I would much rather my child was happy than got some kind of amazing academic results.

From what you've written I don't see why you wouldn't just do the obvious thing and send DC2 to DC1 school which you have no major problem with. I can't see a reason to uproot the whole family for a school with slightly better results where you acknowledge they may be unhappy.