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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BIL getting MIL to buy DD's birthday presents

34 replies

anotherbloodycold · 05/10/2021 17:25

Ever since BIL and SIL split up he's been half arsed with everything and he is the biggest earner out of all of us. For Christmas he decided we only buy the kids presents and not bother with adults. (Whatever fair enough I think it's more he can't be bothered though)

DD birthday he gets MIL to buy all her presents he couldn't even be arsed to buy her a card MIL picked one up and then he wrote his name in it.

He skipped OH birthday and his other brother not even a happy birthday.

He's now only invited DS to his cousins birthday as they was only 10 spaces and DD isn't old enough. He even spelt her name wrong when he messaged to say she couldn't come. She is gutted as she is super close with her cousin.

AIBU to be annoyed? DD is upset and keeps saying it's not fair. I'm just fed up of his half effort with everything.

OP posts:
WeepySheepy · 05/10/2021 17:27

It's obvious it's your exSIL who did all the birthday admin. If DD isn't old enough there's nothing much that can be done and a good lesson to learn in life that you don't get invited to everything.

WeepySheepy · 05/10/2021 17:27

Some people just don't do birthdays.

SuperCaliFragalistic · 05/10/2021 17:30

Some people just don't like all the fuss and expectations that go with Birthdays and Christmases. Maybe he's got stuff on his mind? Maybe MIL offered to help out? You can't change him, just lower your expectations.

Sirzy · 05/10/2021 17:30

Yabu.

She is getting a present. Does it matter who goes out to buy it?

As for the party? If it’s only a limited number of people then he should invite who he wants not someone just because they are cousins.

dollybird · 05/10/2021 17:33

At least he's not just giving you the money and getting you to get her present. That's what my MIL does.

Notonthestairs · 05/10/2021 17:43

If your daughter isn't old enough then there isn't much he can do about that.

The rest is irritating and I'd definitely remind him of correct spelling of name - but honestly I couldn't be arsed to care too much about who buys what.

AhNowTed · 05/10/2021 17:46

Blokes generally don't care about this sort of thing.

Does it really matter.

RampantIvy · 05/10/2021 17:50

@AhNowTed

Blokes generally don't care about this sort of thing.

Does it really matter.

In my experience I would agree, especially when it comes to nephews and nieces. It just isn't on their radar.

I think you have unrealistic expectations about your BIL TBH.

Toottooot · 05/10/2021 17:52

At least he’s making the effort to ensure your child gets a gift. If he bought it himself and didn’t consult your mother in law you’d be greeting about the gift being unsuitable.

namechange30455 · 05/10/2021 17:52

How do you even know MIL is so involved in buying presents and cards for him? Who is telling you this?

Zwellers · 05/10/2021 17:55

Why do you care. Your daughters still getting a present and it's not his fault she is too young for the activity.

RobertaFirmino · 05/10/2021 19:04

he is the biggest earner out of all of us
Completely irrelevant
DD birthday he gets MIL to buy all her presents he couldn't even be arsed to buy her a card MIL picked one up and then he wrote his name in it
That's just what lots of men are like. Does it really matter that he did not physically enter the shop himself?
He's now only invited DS to his cousins birthday as they was only 10 spaces and DD isn't old enough
It's the cousin's day, not your DD's. Maybe she needs to be reminded of this?

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 05/10/2021 22:48

YABU. Not sure why you’re so bothered if he asks MIL to help out buying presents, she’ll know what’s appropriate more than him - I get the feeling you’d complain if he bought something himself that you considered inappropriate, can he win?
We have cousins around the same age and not everyone can go to every birthday party, completely normal just to have the closest age one/ones.
Do you just not like him?

junebirthdaygirl · 05/10/2021 23:01

My dh often gets me to get stuff for his nieces/ nephews. He hates shopping and has no imagination. I quite like it so win win. He is still being generous as he pays. I wouldn't give it another thought.

ANameChangeAgain · 05/10/2021 23:08

I would have been upset on dd being missed out because she's a girl, but not because of age. Everything else isn't the end of the world.
My dh's sil arranged a boys' day for his nephew's bday doing my dd's hobby (which is traditionally seen as a "male" hobby), just inviting my dh and ds. My dh refused to go as he wouldn't leave my dd out, which was sweet.

neededafart · 05/10/2021 23:15

I think you are being a bit dramatic.

Some people don't do birthdays.

My brother for example has never bought my kids a card. He does however see them every week and takes them on a day out once a month. Birthday cards/gifts don't equate to how much a person cares.

Thesearmsofmine · 05/10/2021 23:23

Does it really matter about the presents? Maybe your mil enjoys doing it?

As for the birthday day out, presumably the cousin has chosen something he wants to do on his birthday. You just need to remind your dd that it his birthday not hers.

BurntO · 05/10/2021 23:48

Sounds like he’s going through a hard time.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 05/10/2021 23:52

I think you're being unreasonable on the party front. I had friends of different ages as a child but parties were always friends with similar ages. It changes the dynamic too much if younger kids are there. My daughter adores her cousin, who is 3 years older than her. They love spending time together. But she hasnt been invited to her parties since the cousin was 5, because a load of 10 year olds dont want a 7 year old hanging out with them, and the party girl doesnt want to have to explain references and things that the young one doesnt get instead of enjoying her friends. It's normal

Kite22 · 05/10/2021 23:53

YABU, for all the reasons people have said above.

ittakes2 · 05/10/2021 23:58

Your b'n'law pay for presents for his nephew and niece? Many wouldn't bother.
Its funny how people are different - I actually think its thoughtful he has attempted to continue with present buying and has chosen someone who probably would choose better presents for your kids than he would.

JustLyra · 05/10/2021 23:59

You can’t expect your nephew to invite two cousins out of ten spaces. Especially if your daughter is a good bit younger.

That’s a total non issue

BustedCanOfBiscuits · 06/10/2021 03:05

Move on, he's not that person. At least he gives enough of a shit to make sure she doesn't miss out

SudokuWillNotSaveYou · 06/10/2021 03:11

Oh, so you never buy a present “from the family” and then just have your husband sign the card?

I mean, I know I do, so I’m not really in a position to complain when what you’re saying is: “BIL and SIL did the same thing DH and I do. They split and now MIL is doing it for him.” And?

Your DD is too young to be invited to the party; you said so yourself. End of.

I’m at a loss to understand any part of this OP. Tell me, in your house, does DH arrange the childrens’ birthday parties? Buy presents for other children in the family? Or even for your own DC? I doubt you ever questioned that your BIL never did any of these things before and now that he’s split from SIL, he’s not just going to magically start. She’s going to keep taking care of all things regarding their DC, and he’ll outsource to some other woman (MIL now, eventually new partner or girlfriend) things like present-buying.

Wifework. It’s shite, and until women earn equally as men, it’ll always exist.

ShipOfTheseus · 06/10/2021 03:27

YABU.