BIL getting MIL to buy DD's birthday presents

[anotherbloodycold]

Ever since BIL and SIL split up he's been half arsed with everything and he is the biggest earner out of all of us. For Christmas he decided we only buy the kids presents and not bother with adults. (Whatever fair enough I think it's more he can't be bothered though)

DD birthday he gets MIL to buy all her presents he couldn't even be arsed to buy her a card MIL picked one up and then he wrote his name in it.

He skipped OH birthday and his other brother not even a happy birthday.

He's now only invited DS to his cousins birthday as they was only 10 spaces and DD isn't old enough. He even spelt her name wrong when he messaged to say she couldn't come. She is gutted as she is super close with her cousin.

AIBU to be annoyed? DD is upset and keeps saying it's not fair. I'm just fed up of his half effort with everything.

Yabu. He making the effect. Your dd gets a present. It's vvvv common in families for family members to ask others if they no idea what to get. My mum always like probably 90÷ of my patients who do the same for their family gives the mum money to buy something their grandchildren would like.

I don’t see an issue, you clearly dislike you’re. BIL

The party has limited numbers, so you’re Dd isn’t invited this time, such is life.

I think yabu.

Not sure what you want to happen about the party? Change it so it includes dd? Not invite your ds? Is your ds not allowed to do anything that can't also include your younger child?

You need to explain to dd that it feels unfair, but she is simply not old enough and do something else with her that day.

And so what if mil gets the present? If she is happy to do it, not sure why you are so bothered.

I assume both you and dh always get your own gifts and cards for every person for every event. You don't give gifts that just one of you has bought?

Also, I think its fine to not do adult presents.

Is there something else bothering you, because this comes across as you are annoyed that bil isn't catering himself around your family.

Wifework. It’s shite, and until women earn equally as men, it’ll always exist.

This. You're right, it's a bit shit. It's true that a lot of men are like this. They just don't put the effort into friendships and family relationships in the same way that women do.

You'll get people telling you that you're lucky he even remembers your DD and DS exist, let alone buys them a present, since exSIL is no longer around to do it for him. And there's some truth in that - not that it's ok but that a lot of men do think 'life shit' (which I'm afraid encompasses buying children's birthday gifts) is beneath them and not their problem.

YANBU to hope for better, but honestly YABU to expect anything else. Assuming SIL was mostly responsible for the kids' stuff pre-split, he's already having to adapt to doing a bigger share of that. So your DC and their feelings aren't going to be a high priority for him.

If you're still in touch with ex-SIL, why not get in touch directly and suggest taking all the kids out together to do something so DD can celebrate her cousin's birthday with them?

God, he does sound rather pathetic, a grown man expecting mummy to buy cards for him (more fool her), and not spelling your daughters name right. I doubt a woman behaving that way would get quite so defended on here, but ultimately this is what you’re dealing with now. Just don’t bother for his birthday/Christmas, and let it go - it’s not worth falling out over.

@RobertaFirmino

he is the biggest earner out of all of us Completely irrelevant DD birthday he gets MIL to buy all her presents he couldn't even be arsed to buy her a card MIL picked one up and then he wrote his name in it That's just what lots of men are like. Does it really matter that he did not physically enter the shop himself? He's now only invited DS to his cousins birthday as they was only 10 spaces and DD isn't old enough It's the cousin's day, not your DD's. Maybe she needs to be reminded of this?

Lots about dd and her presents and not being happy about invites etc, what about your ds?

Agree its the cousins day, not hers, do you quiz every other gift giver as to who choose it?

As long as other women (MIL and SIL In this case) let men* get away with this, it will happen.

But if it were me and my DD I'd recognise that it is entirely up to BIL and MIL how they handle this. And maybe the cousin has asked only for your DS? it's his party, and your DD needs to learn to handle disappointment so it's a good lesson.

*where are the NAMALTers when we're talking about this btw?

If your mil is happy to do it for him, what odds. Why do you care?

Re the party - that’s what happens. Cousins of a different age do drop off parties because they are too old or not old enough or the birthday child wants their friends.

You’re looking for something to be offended about. Why is that?

YABU