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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Trying to help another parent *Title edited by MNHQ*

47 replies

Chalcopyrite · 05/10/2021 17:00

I (23F) am not a parent, but an incident happened today in which I interfered with a situation and now I'm wondering if it was the right thing to do, so would appreciate the opinions from mums.

I heard a child crying really loud for a couple of minutes and looked out the window and there was a 2 year old sat on the pavement outside our house.. I couldn't see her mum anywhere so I went outside to see what was going on.. Then I saw her mum round the corner, out of the line of sight of her child, about half way down the road with her two other children just walking off.. So I went up to the toddler and asked her if she okay but she just keeps crying, then her older sister was walking back towards me and her mum was yelling something at me but I couldn't hear her..

The sister picks up the toddler and starts walking back to their mum who is shouting "leave her" and then she just leaves her on the pavement again. I didn't have my shoes on so went back inside the house to grab shoes and my bag and start walking down the road, by that time the toddler has gotten up and is trailing behind her mum and sister, so I just start walking down the road to make sure nothing happens to her and she isn't left on the pavement again, like in case someone in a car coming out a driveway can't see her and she gets hurt.

But then the mum turns around and thinks I'm following her and starts yelling at me... I was too scared to speak or move but she was just yelling "why are you following me? Do you think I'm a bad mum because my 2 year old is having a strop? Do you want to report me, Karen?".. eventually I guess she got fed up with my unresponsivenrss and just walked off..

I wasn't judging her, even though I see in hindsight that's how it came across, I was just incredibly distressed at seeing a little toddler left alone on the pavement where anything could have happened to her and I just got fixated on making sure she was okay.. I wasn't even thinking about the mum..

But now my mum thinks I made the situation worse and that I shouldn't have interfered but I feel like I couldn't have just not done anything, I just acted on instinct and didn't really think it through.

So, did I do the wrong thing by interfering?

OP posts:
Ozanj · 05/10/2021 17:03

I personally would have told her firmly it wasn’t acceptable & shared any video footage with social services. If that is how she treats her child in public you can only imagine what she does in private.

Bancha · 05/10/2021 17:05

I wouldn’t have ignored it either. If I saw a toddler alone in the street I would go out to try and help. And god forbid my toddler was ever in that situation I would want someone to try and help her. Sounds like it was horrible to witness.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 05/10/2021 17:07

You might want to ask HQ to change the thread title...

Mymycherrypie · 05/10/2021 17:11

I think it depends how far she had gone tbh. You do need to walk ahead of a toddler and “gee” them up a bit to keep going but obvs always within your sight.

If she was out of sight of the child YANBU

Anordinarymum · 05/10/2021 17:12

The sister picks up the toddler and starts walking back to their mum who is shouting "leave her" and then she just leaves her on the pavement again. I didn't have my shoes on so went back inside the house to grab shoes and my bag and start walking down the road, by that time the toddler has gotten up and is trailing behind her mum and sister, so I just start walking down the road to make sure nothing happens to her and she isn't left on the pavement again, like in case someone in a car coming out a driveway can't see her and she gets hurt.

This when you should have left well alone but you put your shoes on and went back outside.

Heruka · 05/10/2021 17:16

I don’t think you massively interfered, you kept your eye on what was happening, I think you did the right thing.

RobertaFirmino · 05/10/2021 17:17

The time to have dropped it was when you saw that the child had caught up with the others. I suspect that the mother was totally burnt out and that this was probably the umpteenth strop of the day.

Dreadful choice of thread title BTW.

Doomscrolling · 05/10/2021 17:17

@EineReiseDurchDieZeit

You might want to ask HQ to change the thread title...
My thoughts exactly!

If the mother was within sight range, you should have let things be. Two year olds in full tantrum can be a distressing sight especially for the uninitiated. Walking on and not engaging is one possible tool.

It’s also absolutely horrible to deal with as a parent and yes, following at a slight distance was overdoing it, and made the mum feel even worse in a horrible situation.

However, if the mother definitely couldn’t see the child, making sure she was safe was the responsible thing to do.

BakingOfTheFoodCats · 05/10/2021 17:20

It was weird of you to follow them so yes YABU

What’s the issue with the thread title? 😕

Tal45 · 05/10/2021 17:24

@BakingOfTheFoodCats

It was weird of you to follow them so yes YABU

What’s the issue with the thread title? 😕

Suggests sexual abuse.

I think you did the right thing OP. You were concerned about the child and just observed to make sure she was safe. If the mum doesn't like it then she should be watching her young child by a road and not just leave her in an unsafe place because she's having a strop.

Bigeggsinapackoften · 05/10/2021 17:24

Your thread title 😱

crazyguineapiglady · 05/10/2021 17:25

Going out to check on crying child was fine, but once it was clear it was a toddler having a strop and started to catch up with her mum, it was very weird of you to go get your shoes and follow them.

What were you hoping to achieve by following the family?

Bloodypunkrockers · 05/10/2021 17:25

This is almost the same as a previous thread (although that was in a car park)

Right down to the use of that godawful ageist, misogynistic slur "Karen"

Seeline · 05/10/2021 17:26

Mum was dealing with a tantrumming toddler. I am sure mum would have been able to see the child and was fully aware of what was going on. Last thing she needed was someone judging her parenting.

Derbee · 05/10/2021 17:29

The point at which you went inside, put on your shoes and followed them down the road YWBU

SuperCaliFragalistic · 05/10/2021 17:34

I can see both sides. I have definitely had moments like that as a mum - leaving a small child to have a tantrum while I get some space/clear my head (always keeping them in sight and making sure they're safe) and I've definitely poked my nose into other people's parenting/discipline choices.

slashlover · 05/10/2021 17:37

Then I saw her mum round the corner, out of the line of sight of her child, about half way down the road with her two other children just walking off

If you could see the mum then the mum could see the child.

Gizlotsmum · 05/10/2021 17:40

Once you saw mum I think you should have left them too it. It was no doubt distressing but mum was there

Hugoslavia · 05/10/2021 18:01

Walking on and leaving a crying tantruming toddler is absolutely not acceptable in the vicinity of a road. A toddler should be in a pushchair or holding its mother's hand. Also, leaving behind a toddler is not a great way of dealing with things. It is only going to add to its distress.

sayanythingelse · 05/10/2021 18:01

I don't recommend going round saying you interfered with someone's child Hmm

But anyway, YANBU to have gone outside to check on the toddler but YABU to have followed them.
My DD throws some awful tantrums and I've done the "ok bye, I'm going home now" thing multiple times. Tantrums can be embarrassing in public and push even the best parents to the limit sometimes. I'd be miffed too if someone followed me to ensure I was parenting properly.

Goldbar · 05/10/2021 18:41

I have occasionally dealt with a tantruming toddler in this way but never in the vicinity of a road. They need to be carried or strapped in the buggy if they're anywhere near cars (knee in the back if they're planking).

Original poster
Chalcopyrite · 05/10/2021 19:31

Thank you all for your comments and for making me feel even more worse and confused.

I have extreme social anxiety and autism and act on instinct because my gut telling me that the toddler could be in danger, her mum had left her twice crying on pavement, and for all I know she could have left her again, the toddler might have wondered in the road or got hurt. she wasn't caught up with the family when I saw her. I was not judging the mother, I try not judge anyone.

I wrote title in a rush as I was very distress. English is not my first language and to me "interfering" mean stop something happening like "interfering someone else's business". Apologies for any misunderstanding.

OP posts:
Seesawmummadaw · 05/10/2021 19:34

You did the right thing.

Nothing wrong with your title. People reading your post will understand what you mean.

SurferRona · 05/10/2021 19:37

Aw, OP, I think you did fine- thinking about how often abuse and accidents happen, and all the hand wringing starts “if only someone who’s seen had done something....”. Trust your instincts, if Mum was wound up by you that’s suggest she was too defensive and probably knew what she was doing was wrong. Just forget about it. Little girl was lucky you came by her!

Daisyandroses · 05/10/2021 19:37

You did the right thing.

A little girl was killed recently in the town I used to live in, by a reversing vehicle.

You never leave your child to tantrum somewhere dangerous no matter the situation, and I say that as someone who very much experienced the terrible twos.