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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have a birthday party for my 4 year old?

36 replies

PartyPoopertime · 05/10/2021 15:36

DS is turning 4 soon. He's my first so not sure what the done thing is. He has started being invited to nursery friends birthday parties.
I just don't know how much he'd enjoy/appreciate a party at his age!? I feel like he'd just get overwhelmed!
PIL and SIL basically insinuated that it's cruel not to?
AIBU to not do a party?

We'd have presents and cake/balloons on the day (just parents him and little brother)

OP posts:
YourFinestPantaloons · 05/10/2021 15:37

I really wish with mine I hadn't bothered! It was about £250 for them to get really upset and overwhelmed and then be given loads of tat and making small talk with strangers in a busy soft play.

So much nicer to have a way party at home and of course it isn't cruel!

DappledThings · 05/10/2021 15:39

With mine he started talking about parties and saying he wanted one when he started bring invited to them which was mostly when his nursery friends were turning 4. So 4 was the first one we did. Only one so far as then lockdown and DC2 will be 4 soon so will be her first one too.

We asked them! They started talking about parties so we asked them if that was what they would like. At coming up to 4 he should be able to let you know if it would be a good idea or not.

drpet49 · 05/10/2021 15:39

* So much nicer to have a way party at home*

^I agree. Invite your childs close friends and have a nice time at home. Whole class parties are the stuff of nightmares.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 05/10/2021 15:39

Just have presents/cake with you and DS. Sod the in-laws too! If they want a party that he won't remember, they can pay for it! He'll just want the day with you anyway.

MrsSkylerWhite · 05/10/2021 15:40

Of course you’re not.

HairyScaryMonster · 05/10/2021 16:20

We had a glorified playdate at that age with 3/4 cousins and neighbour kids.

TheWayTheLightFalls · 05/10/2021 16:23

I really wish with mine I hadn't bothered! It was about £250 for them to get really upset and overwhelmed and then be given loads of tat and making small talk with strangers in a busy soft play.

This. I did a party for DD every year from age 1. I regret it. It was unnecessary stress and expense and just set a precedent. And she’s now got two more siblings turning up, who presumably will see their big sister’s parties and expect the same.

mrsbitaly · 05/10/2021 16:29

I just do a special day trip out somewhere I've only done a few parties and it worked out quite expensive in the end compared to a day out.

Ellarain · 05/10/2021 16:32

Mine dc started school at 4 and that's when I started having parties with their school friends. I enjoyed it as I got to meet the parents, my children made friends and it was something for them to look forward to. I always enjoyed the Friday afternoon parties instead of Saturday or Sunday ones though.

Tiredforfive45 · 05/10/2021 16:34

We did one for DD1 at that age.
We won’t be doing one for DTs when they turn 4 soon!!

I think we felt pressure for DD1 but there was no benefit to it. She got over tired and overwhelmed. It was stressful and expensive and she doesn’t even remember it 🤦‍♀️

Jigsawprison · 05/10/2021 16:44

My eldest is 17 and never had a party with friends (just a little tea party with immediate family). Dc1 would just be overwhelmed by it, my other dc had birthday parties from aged 5 none of mine ever say they've missed out.

Zezet · 05/10/2021 16:45

I would do a party! My kids loved them from age 3.
But:

  • at home
  • no more than 1,5 hour for 3yo, maybe 2h for 5yo
  • age = amount of friends invited (4 years=4 classmates max). Maybe a parent for little kids but otherwise no extra adults.
  • keep it small. Paper crown, 1 dish, 2 drinks to chose from (1 is water), maybe some dancing in the room. Nothing that is so cool it will overwhelm them.
  • talk them through the plan

Won't cost much either that way, and they'll be able to handle it.

Ledition · 05/10/2021 16:46

My DDs have loved parties from the get go it seemed. I'd never get away with not having one at 4 - they count down the days! I only invite family though. So my parents, siblings and their DC and the same on DHs side. With a couple of great aunts thrown into the mix. They have cousins their age on both sides though so it seems like a proper party to them. Could you invite family? I do think it's a bit rubbish not to have some sort of celebration besides just the four of you at home like normal but with cake.

5yo just started school this year so I imagine I'll have to have her classmates for the 6th bday - dreading that to be honest Grin

adoreyou · 05/10/2021 16:47

DD had her first proper party at 4 and she loved it. Everyone did. Was such a memorable day.... especially as her next birthday was in lockdown so we couldn't go or do anything or see anyone!

But you know your child best. But if they are ok attending parties how will having one be any different?

Beyondword · 05/10/2021 16:49

Yanbu.
Possibly invite one friend but a big party isn't necessary. Even the less likely to be overwhelmed children often get overwhelmed at Birthday parties and it's just so stressful and full-on for them.
You know what's best for your child.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 05/10/2021 16:50

My DS was clear that he wanted birthday parties from when he was 3, and he loved them and remembers where they were held and who was there. At 4 he definitely would have wanted his friends there, but would have been happy to just have it at home.

Twizbe · 05/10/2021 16:51

I've not done parties for my two. Tbf their last birthdays were in lockdown so couldn't have one.

My son has asked for a party for his next (5th birthday) but until he'd asked, we weren't going to do one for him.

saoirse31 · 05/10/2021 16:51

Did a party from 4, not whole class, Ds loved them

Orangedaisy · 05/10/2021 16:52

Mine love their parties and have done since aged 3. But you know your child. Local leisure centre soft play/bouncy castle parties have worked very well for us at that age.

Flowerpower23 · 05/10/2021 16:54

I’ve just booked my daughters fifth bday party, 180 for the community centre 🤯 66 for a bouncy castle and 50 for a princess visit plus food and party bags etc!! Honestly just leave it 🤦🏼‍♀️

mswales · 05/10/2021 16:56

We've done parties for each birthday but just family and my son's actual friends gathering in the park, so not an entire nursery class or anything, that sounds awful. I always say thanks but please don't bring presents, I don't do party bags, ask people to bring your own drink though always provide some - so the only expense and logistics on our side has been getting some nibbles and drinks and thinking of a couple of fun simple games. This year we did musical statues and a pinata, and had a lucky dip box filled with second hand little toys off ebay (cost about £7 for 30 toys!).
If you do something lowkey with max 10-15 kids who all know each other it can be really fun. However it is definitely not cruel to do a small celebration at home, it could easily be preferable for many children!

cleckheatonwanderer · 05/10/2021 17:14

We didn't for DS at that age as he's not the most confident of children; at parties he would seek out 1 or 2 friends and hover around the edge of the action.

Don't feel like you should do a party just because others are, there's plenty of time for that!

cleckheatonwanderer · 05/10/2021 17:14

plenty of time for parties I mean

MajorCarolDanvers · 05/10/2021 17:15

I didn't do parties till 5th birthdays when they had started primary school.

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 05/10/2021 17:16

When mine were 4 we took a couple of their friends to McDonald's.