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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What should I expect of him

30 replies

Ilikenewbedding · 05/10/2021 13:15

Not really an IABU, just posting for traffic.

You're 6 years into a relationship, 2 DC. Your OH was fantastic for the first few years, but after a traumatic incident he needed therapy for a year and went on needing help with medication and still has bad days (unable to sleep, flashbacks, panic attacks etc)
Aside from that he's home full time as due to an undiagnosed issue with his joints he can no longer stand or walk for long periods of time. The pain is mostly in his hands, back and legs, every day.

The things he does to contribute are:
Feeding the dogs and joining us for walks
Majority of online shopping, meal prep etc
Cleaning toilet, sink (can't do the bath)
Hoovering (we have a very lightweight dyson)
Uses the steam mop in the kitchen and bathroom
Dusting/polishing/General tidying
Cooks if it's a quick easy meal
Dries and stacks dishes after I wash up
We take laundry days in turns
Nappy changes for the youngest DC in turns
Reads kids bedtime stories, dries and dresses them after a bath as he can't bathe them anymore

However you're doing pretty much everything else.

Does this sound okay? And if it does, why do I feel so resentful some days? He's kind, wonderful, caring, loving...and yet still I feel down most days as I trudge through the majority of the housework

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 05/10/2021 13:17

Are there things you're doing that he could do?

girlmom21 · 05/10/2021 13:18

Do you work or are you both home full time?

Aquamarine1029 · 05/10/2021 13:21

Aside from that he's home full time as due to an undiagnosed issue with his joints he can no longer stand or walk for long periods of time.

"Undiagnosed issue?" So he won't/refuses to work?

girlmom21 · 05/10/2021 13:22

@Aquamarine1029

Aside from that he's home full time as due to an undiagnosed issue with his joints he can no longer stand or walk for long periods of time.

"Undiagnosed issue?" So he won't/refuses to work?

He can no longer stand or walk properly... are you missing that part?

Aquamarine1029 · 05/10/2021 13:23

He can no longer stand or walk properly... are you missing that part?

Didn't miss it.

smallybells · 05/10/2021 13:26

Hmmm, are there things he can do, that you are doing instead?

Are you resentful because it isn't the person he was in the first few years? Because due to a (potential) undiagnosed disability and PTSD he's a different person now, and can't do what you expect him to?

HollaHolla · 05/10/2021 13:33

I think there's some fairly big things he's doing there. Do you think you're doing more than 1/2 of everything? I have a spinal issue which means I can't stand or walk for too long, but I live alone; so I got a cleaner. I do work full-time, about 50:50 at home/in the office. It makes a massive difference that my lovely cleaner comes in once a week to do the bathroom, change the bed, do some ironing, clean the floors, etc. She will also do the windows, and sweep up outside if she has time.
Is getting some help an option for you? I have 3 hours a week, and it's been a life-changer.

QueenBee52 · 05/10/2021 13:42

Sounds awful for him... really awful

HopeYourHighHorseBucks · 05/10/2021 13:47

It does sound like he is doing his part tbh. It can take a long time to get a diagnosis so hopefully when he does, he can get the help he needs. The incident he had sounds traumatic if he is suffering flashbacks etc.

You aren't in the wrong to feel dragged down with everyday things though, it's just whether you can accept that this is how it is until/if he gets better. My thing would be his attitude, is he always looking for a way out of everyday things or does he happily do them, just not as much as he/you would like?

User560 · 05/10/2021 13:56

I’d be bloody overjoyed if my husband did half of your husbands chores - I have to give him a right boot up the backside sometimes to do stuff 😂🙈 I honestly think you have it pretty good and especially if he does those things unprompted - that’s where resentment in my opinion is valid as nothing worse than asking over and over. Housework can feel like an never ending task sometimes so I do understand the feeling of being a bit resentful at times or overwhelmed especially if caring for young children too. But honestly I think you need to focus on that your DH does do what he can and is trying - I wouldn’t be so hard on him

MadamMedea · 05/10/2021 14:01

It’s hard to say. It sounds like he’s doing a decent amount for a person who can’t stand or walk much from that list, but hard to judge without seeing a list of your chores too. But if he’s dusting, hoovering, cleaning the bathroom (bar the bath), drying and putting away dishes, mopping, half the laundry, and cooking a share of the meals (plus the significant emotional labour of planning and buying for them) it’s actually hard to imagine there’s a huge amount left for you to do.

If you can share your list of jobs we can probably do a better assessment of whether it’s fair!

Wagglerock · 05/10/2021 14:04

How much more housework is there to do?

mynameiscalypso · 05/10/2021 14:05

I have PTSD and arthritis - he does far more than I do.

LolaButt · 05/10/2021 14:06

Sounds like he’s doing what he can. Good on him. Seems like he’s trying his best.

leakymcleakleak · 05/10/2021 14:15

Chronic illness with young kids is really hard. I have two friends in that situation, both women, and their partners are both really good guys but it has absolutely put a huge strain on both relationships. Especially where conditions fluctuate, and also understandably effect mood. I had hyperemesis at the start of my pregnancy and basically could do nothing for a few months with an unruly 2 year old and it was definitely tough on my husband, even though he totally stepped up, and we both thought how hard it would be to be in that situation permanently, where you're both under huge strain in different ways. Even with both partners doing the best they can, its hard to know if someone is doing their best, or taking the piss a little bit because things have evolved a certain way.

I think instead of looking at a list, I'd be focusing on: is the person who is unwell doing everything they are able to to contribute given their illness? Are they doing everything they can to treat and manage their illness? (I note the use of 'undiagnosed', so it would matter to me if that was because medical support wasn't there or if they were refusing investigations) Is the person who is supporting getting any extra help, and is their contribution being recognised?

The situation isn't anyone's 'fault' but going from an equal partnership to being a carer/the primary parent is tough for everyone involved. I guess I'd think being resentful of the situation is 100% fair but being resentful of your OH is something I'd unpick a bit more- is there a reason behind it, eg they're not contributing as fully as they could, or is it just you need more support/recognition or you'll burn out?

gaggleofgeese · 05/10/2021 14:22

How much more is there to do?! It sounds like he does quite a bit. Does he get disability payments? Is it being the sole earner that annoys you?

CrystalBuddha · 05/10/2021 14:30

Which things are you doing that are making you feel resentful?

He looks like he's doing a fair bit and especially for someone in his position.

Cocomarine · 05/10/2021 14:33

I don’t think that he is being unfair - that sounds like he does quite a bit considering his condition, tbh. But I think that life is being unfair. It’s not what either of you expected. So although he doesn’t deserve your resentment, I do understand that you’re resentful. It’s a big adjustment for both of you.

lanthanum · 05/10/2021 14:39

I think the problem is not that he's not pulling his weight, but just that having two young children is hard enough work with two fully-fit parents, and so it's tough on both of you. It's not what you signed up for, but it's not anybody's fault.

Do you have any support from family/friends? It sounds as if you're coping admirably between you (because plenty of us never did dusting/polishing when the kids were small!), but you could perhaps do with some time for the two of you to relax together.

VikingVolva · 05/10/2021 14:44

Is he doing the thinking and planning that goes in to running a family? Remembering and making dentist appointments, booking MOTs and services, buying and sending birthday cards and presents, planning holidays and outings, booking parents evenings etc, noticing what needs doing round the house, and even if he is currently unable to do it himself making sure that one way or another (you or tradesperson) it gets done?

2bazookas · 05/10/2021 14:48

Given the level of disability you describe I think he's doing pretty well.

traintraveller · 05/10/2021 15:12

I think all things considered he's doing well. I'm not sure why PP is getting all arsey he doesn't have a diagnosis for his joint disease. Unless of course there's a massive drip feed coming. You mention changing nappies, does he have a child at home with him?

Original poster

Ilikenewbedding · 05/10/2021 16:28

Thanks everyone.

He worked full time up until he genuinely couldn't, but he's still looking for something (he'd happily do work from home where he sits at a computer, uses the phone etc) but nothing in our area has come up for ages and when something does, they never get back to him.

Yes he's undiagnosed but he's on a waiting list for tests etc.

I don't work due to youngest's age - admittedly I was going to look for work once he started nursery but at the moment my OH needs too much care.

Weirdly on his good days everything seems fine. The resentment only builds up slowly on his bad days - today is the 8th bad day in a row and whilst I completely understand that he's in pain and I know he can't help it, I just really wish everything would go back to normal.

I know it's probably unlikely but I have this hope that one day a doctor will call and say he's found the issue, say it's easily treatable and just "fix" it for him.

I can't go into much detail as it's very outing but as for the traumatic incident - he needed hospital treatment and the other man involved was sent to prison.

I do think a PP might be onto something though - we have zero support from friends and family. We haven't been out together without the kids since the beginning of the pandemic.

OP posts:

MatildaTheCat · 05/10/2021 16:40

You sound as if you have carer’s fatigue. Do you spend too much time together? Perhaps try to establish some new routines, encourage him to do some online studying or training or join a suitable exercise class?

I’m your DH in our relationship and I’m bloody careful to pull my weight where I can and also ensure DH has the freedom to do his stuff even when I can’t. Having separate friends and interests is really important as is buying in additional help.

One thing he could maybe do as well as the jobs you list would be household admin? If you feel as if you are responsible for everything that’s very burdensome.

I wish you both well and that his health improves greatly.

SnipSnipMrBurgess · 05/10/2021 16:47

Look it's not what you expected your life was going to be, I do understand, but he isn't being a lay about here. It's OK to be resentful, I'm sure my husband is of me sometimes with my arthritis and chronic fatigue. On a good day, I can take on the World. But they are few and far between.

What are the other things you need help with? You both need to sit down and figure that out.

It all sounds awful, you both deserve better and I'm sorry things are tough right now. It's no consolation to know right now that things do get better, I'm sure but they really really do.

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