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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teenager's room

54 replies

mikedyson · 05/10/2021 12:02

DD 13 often has a messy room.

DP thinks that in addition to insisting on a minimal level of personal hygiene (no argument from me), we should insist DD makes her bed and keeps her room tidy every single day.

DP says they don't know anyone who wouldn't insist on this and if we let it slide, DD will grow up not being properly socialised and developed.

I will admit I think DP has better parenting skills on the whole - and has raised a teenager in past. DD is my daughter, not DPs.

YABU=Insist bed made and room tidied every day
YANBU=Cut DD some slack due to age

OP posts:
SeasonFinale · 05/10/2021 12:05

We did bed every day and then room tidied once a week or as a bonus if they wanted to go anywhere specific where they needed permission it was given "as long as your room is tidy before you go". My son who had a floordrobe throughout his teens has just bought his own property which is now immaculate!

kurtney · 05/10/2021 12:09

You might find you're fighting a losing battle. My DD has been 'tidying' her bedroom for the last 12 months. It's a tip, but I'm not going to do it. I also think it's important that she has her own space, where she gets a say in what it's like. So long as there no mouldy cups/plates etc. the rest is up to her. I think there needs to be a balance between liveable and local dump.

DP says they don't know anyone who wouldn't insist on this and if we let it slide, DD will grow up not being properly socialised and developed

This is bullshit though. My DD has plenty of friends, and housetrained, come to that Confused
Also, I was a messy sod at home, but once I moved out, my house was fine.

0palescent · 05/10/2021 12:11

We're going through this with DS just now, his room becomes a complete dump if I don't stand over and make him tidy properly. I honestly don't know the answer. I feel he should have some kind of choice over how tidy/how often he tidies. But that would be never if he had his way!

I should understand him, I was exactly the same as a teenager, and I'm not feral now Grin But the parent in me sees the mess and disregard for everything he has, and gets very pissed off at him.

Brollywasntneededafterall · 05/10/2021 12:12

How about agree a blitz Fri night and have a tidy room for the week ends?
I have 4 teens and arguing about their rooms isn't high on my To Do list!
And surely your dd's room isn't your dp's business? How you parent is YOUR business..

HikingforScenery · 05/10/2021 12:12

Making her bed daily should be the minimum
Expectation tbc.
She’s 12 now though so I don’t know how easy it will be to undo all those years of not making her bed. Maybe a reward system?

maofteens · 05/10/2021 12:12

Nope. After a certain age I told the kids their room was their responsibility. I would provide clean sheets but expect them to change it, for example. And I don't make my bed every day so hardly expect them to!
Every once in a while if things really did get too much (or I seemed to be seriously short of mugs for example), they'd be told to clean their rooms, and they both wouldn't want company if their rooms were a mess so that was a regular incentive.
But by and large if they want it a mess that's their business. I don't think you 'train' anybody. There are tidy people and messy people, and I don't think it's worth the aggro.

WeAllHaveWings · 05/10/2021 12:17

I find "insisting" bed made and room tidied every day doesn't work with teenagers as it requires you to be there to do the insisting and therefore you end up taking on the responsibility to insist or it doesn't get done.

With ds we have approached it gradually over the years with "why" is your room untidy. For example -

Dirty laundry on the floor - give them a laundry basket near where they get changed (without a lid, means he can throw/aim it in without having to raise a lid which is a HUGE inconvenience in a teenage brain!).

Plates and glasses in the room - ban food in rooms, they can take a drink but have only one or two glasses/water bottles they use in room so they need to bring down to clean (sounds mean, but it is the same as us adults, when you run out of plates you need to wash them!)

Rubbish in the room - Have a bin easily accessible so it is just as easy to put in the bin as leave on the floor/elsewhere. This means putting practicality over aesthetics. dh's bin is on his table next to PS5, headphones, where he sits drinks etc. Give them the chore of emptying all house bins so theirs gets emptied regularly too.

Help them declutter as much as possible. The less clutter the easier to keep tidy. Get out of the room anything they don't use. If the don't want to part with put in a storage box in the attic.

idiotmagnet · 05/10/2021 12:19

I have two teens and I have done a reverse policy here, and insisted that they keep the communal areas of the house tidy, while their bedrooms are their own affair.
My thinking is that if they want to live in a mess then that's their choice, but for their mess to impact others is selfish.
Both have fairly untidy rooms but when things get to a certain point they will tidy them, especially around exam time, and if they ask for help with a big sort out or clean out then I do help and try to suggest ways of maintaining order.

Macncheeseballs · 05/10/2021 12:21

Let teenagers be teenagers, does dh need to go in there? Just shut the door

TheUnbearable · 05/10/2021 12:23

I don’t make my bed every day, I pull the quilt back fully so it airs the bed.

Either no food and drink in room or a promise for all crockery to be brought down, laundry in basket and done on a regular basis. Those were the two rules. I did sometimes pop my head in the room on a Saturday and have a buck your ideas up mate chat but teens really need their own space, if your inspecting it every day expect a fall out. There will be bigger issues to lay down the law on at some point.

AryaStarkWolf · 05/10/2021 12:28

I've kind of given up with mine, every once in a while when their rooms get really bad I tell them to tidy up Grin

UnLunDun · 05/10/2021 12:32

I make everyone’s beds, and air the rooms/empty bins, every school morning and they do it every other day. My teens and adult children are all lovely people, I feel your DP is being rather over-dramatic tbh.

Ourlady · 05/10/2021 12:37

I wouldn't waste energy on this one. I've discovered a teenager with a tidy bedroom is a rare phenomenon.

Your partner is being ridiculous about the 'not being properly socialised and developed. What a load of absolute shite!

And just because he's been there and done that doesn't mean he was good at it!

Moonface123 · 05/10/2021 12:56

I've always been relaxed about this and now my two are older teens they are a lot tidier. I still have to give a gentle reminder at times, but this works better for mine than constant nagging. l saved my energy for more important stuff.

moomoogalicious · 05/10/2021 12:59

Pick your battles. I have 3 teens and their rooms are their responsibility

nokidshere · 05/10/2021 13:01

I haven't been in my sons bedrooms since they were about 12. If they didn't bring stuff down for wash it didn't get done. If they wanted to sleep in a tip it was up to them.

They are now 19 & 23 and their rooms, when they are here, are clean & tidy, they do their own laundry and haven't suffered at all from not making a bed in the past 10yrs!

They are not allowed to let their mess spill over beyond their bedroom door though.

Beamur · 05/10/2021 13:02

My DSD had a truly revolting grubby bedroom (I found a year old packed lunch under her bed) yet has morphed into a lovely young woman with a good job and friends who can look after herself. I wouldn't look under her bed though...
Daily tidying is only reasonable to people who live very tidy lives. I'd say once a week is good enough, with a vacuum and dust maybe fortnightly (I have quite low standards, truth be told DD hasn't dusted her room more than 2/3 times this year)

BatFinksWings · 05/10/2021 13:56

I'm the opposite of most people on here when it comes to teenagers bedrooms.

I'm very particular about my house and I couldn't relax knowing a room in my home was festering under piles of old food and basic grimness. I want clear and clean bedrooms and it doesn't seem like such a huge ask to me

So I've always just cleaned and tidied their bedrooms. As they're immaculate it takes me seconds. Anything I don't like the look of (mess on the floor) would be put in a bin bag

And now? Well, my eldest has her own house now and is tidy and clean and my youngest is 14 and I never have to mention his bedroom - he just keeps it nice and there's never anything on the floor

They were both incredibly messy btw but they just changed over time. Who doesn't want a lovely fresh and clean space to be in?

Haveyoubrushedyourteethtoday · 05/10/2021 14:41

I insist on made beds and tidy rooms before they leave for school. Well, tidy-ish. I have an only water rule too. No food at all.

thing47 · 05/10/2021 14:57

Gosh, I had no idea people were so concerned about what someone else's room looks like!

I always considered my teenagers' rooms were their business, with a couple of minor provisos – no dirty plates and glasses overnight and a reminder that the house did not have a cleaning elf so anything placed in the washbasket would get washed but anything left lying on a floor would remain there.

Beyond that, not too bothered, very much in the nokidshere camp.

HunkyPunk · 05/10/2021 14:59

My dc’s are all 16+. Beds get made once a week, when I give them clean bedding. What happens in between, I know not, nor do I care! I do tell them periodically they should leave the duvet rolled back to air the bed, though.

I think your dp should butt out, sorry. Why do you think his parenting skills are superior? Your parenting skills are best for your own child.

Starlightstarbright1 · 05/10/2021 15:03

Neither myself nor my ds make bed daily. Wehen do a proper tidy yes but really itnis more hygenic not to pick the dirty wsshing up yes. Make bed over kill for me

2bazookas · 05/10/2021 15:08

Every day; Dirty washing in laundry bin; dirty plates/cups back to kitchen. Uneaten food in dustbin/compostbin . Wet towels back to bathroom.

Every week; All other crap/ rubbish put in appropriate recycling and floor hoovered. Bedlinen changed.

Macncheeseballs · 05/10/2021 15:19

Kids eventually turn into adults, they need to be able to manage their own self care

RoseMartha · 05/10/2021 20:03

I find it is a losing battle and I prefer it if the teens keep their mess in their room and not all over my flat. They pick their clothes off the floor about once a fortnight.
I hoover what I can of it weekly and change their bedding. If I am feeling generous I will give it a quick tidy it up.