Teenager's room

[mikedyson]

DD 13 often has a messy room.

DP thinks that in addition to insisting on a minimal level of personal hygiene (no argument from me), we should insist DD makes her bed and keeps her room tidy every single day.

DP says they don't know anyone who wouldn't insist on this and if we let it slide, DD will grow up not being properly socialised and developed.

I will admit I think DP has better parenting skills on the whole - and has raised a teenager in past. DD is my daughter, not DPs.

YABU=Insist bed made and room tidied every day
YANBU=Cut DD some slack due to age

Mine brought down plates, cups etc. Dirty linen went into a basket. Once a week I would vacuum, dust and change beds. They were good kids and worked hard at school and also always had evening and weekend jobs. They appreciated it and I like a tidy house

Our teen has to change his sheets once a week, make his bed and open window daily to let the smell of teen boy out and if he leaves it tidy for our cleaner coming once a week she will dust and hoover it. If he doesn't leave it tidy I tell her not to do his room and he has to do that himself. It's been a good incentive so far!

Everyone is different. For me - no food rubbish in room. Clean clothes must be put away. Dirty clothes ideally in basket and a bonus if the bed is made.

@NewlyGranny

Demands from your DP that his DSD tidy her room every day will quickly destroy their relationship and threaten yours. Life will be hell.

Don't put him in charge or let yourself be lectured by him about your parenting! What experience does he have of raising teens, I wonder? Why does he think he is the fount of all wisdom on this?

Tell him you're in charge and will do the heavy side of this, he is not the monitor or judge, he can have the fun stuff with her. The bedroom has a door that closes, right? He has no business opening that door or looking inside, ever. No business opening his mouth and saying one word about the state of it. That's your job.

Reasonable, I think, is her making the bed every day, changing the linen weekly, no dirty clothes on the floor, no crockery or cutlery abandoned in there, and a clean and tidy through once a week done by a set time agreed between you and linked to privileges she enjoys so you can reward or withhold.

She might need a set of cleaning materials in a carry tray and some basic teaching about dusting and hoovering so that she knows what good looks like and how to achieve it.

On the personal hygiene front, on no account allow her DSF to be commenting negatively on how she looks or smells! You insist on the daily shower, regular shampoo etc and he keeps right out.

If he ever starts teaching her disgust for her own body, he needs to be through the front door so fast his feet don't touch the floor.

I am partner to OP, and I would say your advice is exactly what I am asking, just a few boundaries to help DD manage her own space and learn some life skills. In fact your list of jobs are longer than what I have asked for. I used to help DD to clean for the first 3 months she was here, I took a step back to let DH and her take it from there, and it decended into chaos.

Your point in your follow up response was also very much appreciated. My relationship with my daughter is repectful and very close. It is something DH often comments on wanting to attain with their DD. It is excellent advice to point to previous experience. Partners DD is a different personality, and needs a different approach. At 13 my own DD had good hygiene habits, partners needs reminding to brush teeth every single time, and often needs begging to have just one shower every few days. There is no shaming here, teens and self esteem are a rocky ground, so gentle prompts like 'I have left the bathroom free for you', or 'were you thinking of showering this morning or tonight?' are the most I would venture.

As the female in this relationship I know how vulnerable teenage girls can be, and how their self esteem can be dessimated by simple things. Her own mother shamed her, and broke her down, hence why she is here with is. Boundaries give security when your whole world has been turned upside down. She had to change schools, move house and accept her mothers rejection.

Me asking her to make her bed, is to try to restore some belief in herself, to just do one tiny thing for herself every day to give her pride in one small thing. It is to give her skills to take into her adult life, and control over at least one thing, when everything else has been up in the air.