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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we can make having a second child work?

39 replies

SalemWitchCraft · 05/10/2021 10:28

Hello,

I just wanted a bit of advice about this so we have a 9 month old ds and dh and I got to talking about a second child in the future and we were talking about reasons for and against and he was really hammering on about the financial aspect of it and how he wants to give our son the best possible life as in holidays, extra curricular activities etc he was the youngest of three so did end up with hammy downs and maybe missed out on a few things which is completely understandable and I completely agree re giving him a good life however we have about £1700-2100 (live in a low cost area) a month after food and bills are paid, we won't have any childcare costs as I work part time and we're very lucky that we have family help ( I have talked to family about a second child and they are still happy to provide care) so don't really understand where DH is coming from.

AIBU to think this is enough to cover two children and well I guess two adults for everything other than food and bills or is dh right and we should stick to one to ensure we can provide enough?

(I know it's hard to answer as everyone's spending habits different but I guess it would cover holidays, haircuts, clothes, extra activities eventually and birthday and Christmas presents).

OP posts:
Somethingsnappy · 05/10/2021 10:38

You have more money than me OP, and we manage comfortably with 4 children!

Eastie77Returns · 05/10/2021 10:39

It sounds as if you would have enough to afford a second child. It also sounds as if your DH doesn't really want one and I think the affordability aspect is a bit of a red herring. He also might be thinking longer term, e.g. does he want to privately educate your child? If so, it probably wouldn't be do-able for two.

I'd personally also be wary of depending on family members for childcare. There are plenty of threads on MN where people feel let down as they were promised help with childcare from a doting grandparent/in-law which didn't materialise once the baby arrived. Many family members mean well and promise help in the moment and are then unable to follow through when reality hits.

Mylee · 05/10/2021 10:39

Sorry but I had to chuckle at hammy downsGrin

Original poster
SalemWitchCraft · 05/10/2021 10:46

@Mylee

Sorry but I had to chuckle at hammy downsGrin
That's what I thought they were called Blush ahem I mean hand-me-downs Grin
OP posts:
Original poster
SalemWitchCraft · 05/10/2021 10:48

@Eastie77Returns

It sounds as if you would have enough to afford a second child. It also sounds as if your DH doesn't really want one and I think the affordability aspect is a bit of a red herring. He also might be thinking longer term, e.g. does he want to privately educate your child? If so, it probably wouldn't be do-able for two.

I'd personally also be wary of depending on family members for childcare. There are plenty of threads on MN where people feel let down as they were promised help with childcare from a doting grandparent/in-law which didn't materialise once the baby arrived. Many family members mean well and promise help in the moment and are then unable to follow through when reality hits.

That's my original thinking that maybe he doesn't want a second one which is fine, I'd just rather he come out and say that rather than make "excuses" if that makes sense, he could just say no, I might ask him about future plans and if private school etc is something he's considering.

That's a very good point, we do have three or four people willing to do it but anything could happen so would need to make sure I can cover childcare fees, thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
SalemWitchCraft · 05/10/2021 10:50

@Somethingsnappy

You have more money than me OP, and we manage comfortably with 4 children!
I'm going to show DH as I knew he was being a bit silly, if I was going to have another what do you think is a good age gap? I couldn't imagine having four although I bet there's a lot of love and fun.
OP posts:
marykitty · 05/10/2021 10:59

From finances pov you are fine, only advice I can give you is to make sure you can afford also private childcare.

I had a very generous arrangement with my MIL, she was providing 50% of the childcare for a while, now she cannot do it anymore and starting soob we have to pay a ton more for childcare, which will bring us from a "very comfortable" position to a tight one.

Ughmaybenot · 05/10/2021 11:03

@Mylee

Sorry but I had to chuckle at hammy downsGrin
I prefer hammy downs to be honest Grin

He’s being a bit OTT about money imo, kids don’t need absolutely everything, whether that be experiences or material items, in life to be happy.
This is such an extreme alternative but I’m one of five, my dad left when I was ten or so and never bothered with maintenance and we did okay with just my mums (low) income. Wasn’t ideal of course and you’d never plan it that way, but it works out.
I’d be probing into this a bit more tho if I were you to establish whether his reasoning is actually the case or whether he just doesn’t want another.
Best of luck

Kk789 · 05/10/2021 11:05

Make sure you can afford childcare. Any circumstances with family commitments could change at any time.

HumunaHey · 05/10/2021 11:05

@Mylee

Sorry but I had to chuckle at hammy downsGrin
Me too😆.

Yes, your finances seem fine for a second. Also, even without family support, if you leave a bit of a gap and just work part time anyway, DC1 could be in school so wouldn't need a large amount of childcare (if any) by the time DC2 arrives.

Imo, in terms of holidays, there are plenty of packages where 2 children make little difference to 1. Lots of family deals are set for 2 adults and 2 children.

girlmom21 · 05/10/2021 11:08

I think he just doesn't want a second child.

I agree with PP's about childcare.
We had relatives who insisted they'd do full time childcare when I went back to work, i said no and agreed on two days a week. That lasted all of a couple of months - they started making excuses and leaving us in the lurch last minute.
They're now offering the same again with DD2...

girlmom21 · 05/10/2021 11:09

To clarify as soon as they started letting us down we went to full time nursery which is what I'd wanted from the start

mynameiscalypso · 05/10/2021 11:09

I agree that he may just not want a second child. I don't and one of the reasons that I give is money - in part this is because it's true in that while we could make a second child work, it would involve some financial sacrifices for all of us. But it's also a bit more socially acceptable to say that then just to acknowledge that I don't want another one.

DissatisfiedshouldIchange · 05/10/2021 11:12

As long as you are confident on the childcare. My MIL promised she’d look after our DC like she had done for my SiL for 2 kids for 5 years.

After first lockdown completely dropped us in it and said no longer willing and now we pay 1600 a month.

So I’d maybe factor that into the equation

Moonlaserbearwolf · 05/10/2021 11:14

YANBU, it sounds like you’re very well set up for a second child.
It may be too soon for your DH to be thinking about child number 2. I was exhausted after my first child and would have come up with all sorts of reasons not to have another when my first was under 1! Another year and I was ready to think about it. I definitely always wanted 2. We have a 3 year age gap and it’s brilliant. Just close enough for the children to play together and far enough apart that they don’t compete.
If you feel you aren’t getting anywhere with DH, I’d leave it 6 months and try again when your baby is a bit older.

CoastalWave · 05/10/2021 11:16

You have £2k a month for what you want? ie. luxuries, new clothes, hair cuts, going out, birthdays etc. And you're not sure it's enough? Have I read that right?

Sounds like husband just doesn't want a second child.

We manage with 2 adults and 2 kids on 800 a month (and this has to include food, and they still both do hobbies)

ACNHMAMA · 05/10/2021 11:17

You have more than we do at the end of each month and we have two DC.

I agree that childcare is the biggest expense to factor in with two DC. Especially two preschoolers if you're having the conversation now.

I can appreciate where DH is coming from. I am one of four kids as is my DH and it was tight at times. I never went on holidays abroad as a kid etc. But I look back on my childhood fondly and I wouldn't swap the fun I had with my siblings for any of the material things. For us it was more important for our kids to have that family relationship than material things.

Mamamamasaurus · 05/10/2021 11:20

Just remember that caring for one child is very different to looking after two. I don't mean for you, I mean for family doing the childcare. Plus they're getting older (as are we all, but the point is that they may not actually, realistically, want to or be able to care for two young children). Is your financial position such that you could afford childcare for both children at some points?

And hammy downs, that's MN gold 😁

Aprilx · 05/10/2021 11:22

I’d just rather he come out and say that rather than make excuses

Of course it is possible to raise two children on your incomes. But there is no reason to believe he is making excuses either. Perhaps he genuinely wants to be able to provide a particular kind of childhood, such as good holidays, activities, private school maybe, and thinks can only do it once.

I am from a larger family and we never did any extra curricular activities that needed to be paid for, didn’t go on holidays and there is no doubt that we did without because my parents could not afford it for all children. So I can sort of see where your DH is coming from, I never had children in the end, but I always thought I would want to give them a childhood with nicer things, opportunities and experiences than I had.

On the other hand, I think a sibling is a greater blessing. But I guess I just wanted to say, don’t dismiss your husbands feelings as being just an excuse.

Stompythedinosaur · 05/10/2021 11:26

Financially you are fine. It sounds like there is something else going on here.

There are advantages to having a sibling too.

MadamMedea · 05/10/2021 11:31

hammy downs

I love this, change approved Grin

Plenty of people manage on less than you with more children. It’s hard though when one party only wants one - their views always trump those of the person who wants more, even when that’s very upsetting and feels unfair.

RosieLemonade · 05/10/2021 11:33

You have more left over than we start with each month. You will be fine.

RosieLemonade · 05/10/2021 11:38

Also DS is only nine months. You have plenty of time to have another.

RowanAlong · 05/10/2021 11:40

That’s plenty for daily life - is he thinking longer time, I.e. savings, private schools, university help, house deposit? And lots of slack so a worry-free life? Is he happy in his job?

Or as pp have said he might be just happy with one child.

AryaStarkWolf · 05/10/2021 11:51

Also having a giggle at "hammy downs" :p

Agree with others, it sounds as if finances aren't the real issue for your DH