To think we can make having a second child work?

[SalemWitchCraft]

Hello,

I just wanted a bit of advice about this so we have a 9 month old ds and dh and I got to talking about a second child in the future and we were talking about reasons for and against and he was really hammering on about the financial aspect of it and how he wants to give our son the best possible life as in holidays, extra curricular activities etc he was the youngest of three so did end up with hammy downs and maybe missed out on a few things which is completely understandable and I completely agree re giving him a good life however we have about £1700-2100 (live in a low cost area) a month after food and bills are paid, we won't have any childcare costs as I work part time and we're very lucky that we have family help ( I have talked to family about a second child and they are still happy to provide care) so don't really understand where DH is coming from.

AIBU to think this is enough to cover two children and well I guess two adults for everything other than food and bills or is dh right and we should stick to one to ensure we can provide enough?

(I know it's hard to answer as everyone's spending habits different but I guess it would cover holidays, haircuts, clothes, extra activities eventually and birthday and Christmas presents).

Just to address some of the posts:-

I'm not dismissing my husbands feelings if he said he doesn't want another one then that's fine with me, I love him and wouldn't want to make him unhappy especially with something as serious as another child as that could disrupt the whole family, I meant I'd rather he explain his reasons rather than using excuses like " we don't have enough money" when we do even if he just said I don't want another that would be okay but I appreciate we have time to make a final decision, we'll probably have more conversations about it but just wanted to make sure I wasn't being unreasonable because I think it's a very fortunate position to be in but didn't know if I was being unrealistic.

You're all absolutely correct that we can't rely on family members for childcare (although my mums only 46 ) but I was thinking if we were going to have a second then TTC when DS was around two so baby would be here when he got free hours (not sure how that works though so would need to look into it) but that would lessen the financial strain if we did need childcare for number 2 but appreciate that might not be the case.

And I genuinely thought they were called hammy downs and now I feel really silly, glad I was corrected before having another or id be passing it through generations

Perhaps your DH wants a better quality of life? It is also possible he doesn't want a wife who is working part time and not earning enough. It is also likely he doesn't want more dependants /responsibilities. Most people decide not to have another child for financial reasons and it is not 'making excuses'

@Iwonder08

Perhaps your DH wants a better quality of life? It is also possible he doesn't want a wife who is working part time and not earning enough. It is also likely he doesn't want more dependants /responsibilities. Most people decide not to have another child for financial reasons and it is not 'making excuses'

I'm working part time because he wanted the first child and wanted me to be around the baby more, I always have the option of going back full time - I'm in a very fortunate position that my part time wage equates to a full time wage around this area if I were to go full time then I'd be the main earner which I'd be happy to do if he asked so please don't assume I'm living the high life off of his wages because that's what I'm getting from this post but if not then I apologise for my mistake.

Financial reasons are a very valid reason to not have any children but to simply say £2k a month isn't enough is a bit of an excuse without explaining further imo like pp said if he has plans for the future etc then that's fine.

Hammy downs? Hand me downs 😃

I'd flip it round and afk why you want a second child? Like you've already done conception pregnancy childbirth and parenting? Would you like to move on and spend your time and energy doing something new and different? I never understand why people have more than one tbh. Providing existing child with a sibling isn't any kind of reason.

Ask, not afk

2 to 3 children can be a massive jump. But 1 to 2 - sure. Sometimes you get a shock with a second if DC1 was an easy baby but more often than not second children just have to go with the flow. It's pot luck whether they will get on and play together. Mine have a bigger gap of 3.5 years but have always got on well, with some squabbling, obviously. They are really different personalities but compliment one another.

I think it’s a bit early to be talking about no.2 and expecting your husband to be keen on the idea 🤭

@Joystir59

I'd flip it round and afk why you want a second child? Like you've already done conception pregnancy childbirth and parenting? Would you like to move on and spend your time and energy doing something new and different? I never understand why people have more than one tbh. Providing existing child with a sibling isn't any kind of reason.

Funnily enough my eldest was out the house on Saturday all day and OMG our parenting experience was a 180 degree turn. We were happy, laughing, relaxed. There was no fighting, no crying, it was pure bloody bliss!!!

@FreeBritnee

I think it’s a bit early to be talking about no.2 and expecting your husband to be keen on the idea 🤭

It was just a general chat, I don't expect anything from him but just thought either him or I was being unrealistic about finances and wanted a third opinion from people who know a bit more about multiple children then we do and apparently to find out my life has been a lie and it's not hammy downs , that's all.

@Joystir59

I'd flip it round and afk why you want a second child? Like you've already done conception pregnancy childbirth and parenting? Would you like to move on and spend your time and energy doing something new and different? I never understand why people have more than one tbh. Providing existing child with a sibling isn't any kind of reason.

That's true, I just worry for my ds but maybe like you say that's not a good enough reason.

@Joystir59

I'd flip it round and afk why you want a second child? Like you've already done conception pregnancy childbirth and parenting? Would you like to move on and spend your time and energy doing something new and different? I never understand why people have more than one tbh. Providing existing child with a sibling isn't any kind of reason.

It definitely doesn't always work out this way but many people have more than one to offer there child a richer quality of life. Some people see expensive holidays,private school etc. as a good quality life (I think that's what OP's DH was getting at) but others see it as a large family with hustle and bustle.

I speak from a very biased point of view, but I cherish the memories I have growing up with my siblings, even the fights. For example, I once snuck into my sisters room when she was out and discovered her mascara. I put some on my eyelashes then wondered what it'd look like on my eyebrows, so I brushed them in. Well I heard her coming back and I couldn't wash the wretched stuff of my eyebrows or eyelashes and everything started to sting. I hid in my room and heard my sister get very angry and go stomping downstairs to my mum. They both come up to my room and asked if I'd been through my sisters stuff. I shook my head and denied everything with my red stinging eyes, eyebrows as thick as caterpillars and gunky eyelashes. Me and dsis laugh alot about it now but she was livid at the time. I slept with one eye open!

There's also the fact that things just aren't as fun when it's just you and your parents or even when your being looked after by relatives. Not once you're a bit older anyway. My DGM used to look after me sometimes on a weekend. It was just me without my sisters and I remember it being an absolute snoozefest compared to when we (sisters) were together. Even when we argued, I appreciated the company of having more "non-adults" around.

That reaaon for having more is, of course, framed around the child's happiness. You have to consider your own happiness to. If you highly value peace and tranquility, sticking to one is a no brainer. I'm not sure how my mum put up with me and my sister's antics.

To answer your question OP, I have 2 years between all my 4 children. It's a nice gap. It's harder work when they're young to have a newborn and a toddler, but they are great playmates for each other as they get older, and that makes things easier. I don't need to entertain them so much!

As for hammy-downs, I love it! I think I'll adopt it from now on

I'd say ask him again when DS is 18 months. A 9month old is still really full on and some people find it difficult to imagine having any freedom ever again, whereas once the little one is talking and a bit more independent I think some reluctant second time parents start seeing another one as a more attractive prospect. If DH is anything like mine, he wont want to commit yet until things feel more manageable and money is an easy excuse.