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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to have wanted DS to have his birthday present on his actual birthday and not 2 months early

56 replies

couchparsnip · 04/10/2021 22:29

I think DH IBU but he thinks I am. I need other opinions please as I'm stewing about this.

DS will be 16 in December so we agreed with him that he could have a PC for a joint birthday/Christmas present and that it would go in his bedroom. DH agreed to put his bonus payment (which comes in his Sept pay) towards the PC. We share finances but I tend to do the banking admin. Which makes me think I might BU as maybe I am controlling things too much.

Anyway, Last weekend we moved a desk into DS's room and set his X Box up on there. This will be for the PC so he can do homework up there and chat to his friends.

DH has now taken the fact that his bonus has arrived and the desk is in place to mean he had to buy the PC and tell DS he can have it straight away.
I would have rather waited until the actual day as now DS's 16th birthday will be less special. He won't have a 'big' present.
Is it normal to give presents 2 months early? I didn’t think so.
We'll probably still buy DS some chocolate and a computer game for his birthday but I'm disappointed.

DS is obviously happy now but what about when his birthday and Christmas arrive and he doesn't get very much

We decided to move the desk because we were decorating the room it was in and thought we might as well move it now so it would be out of the way.

DH and I have disagreed about it and I'm not sure who is right? He thought we moved the desk so that the PC could go on it straight away and that was obvious. I thought it was obvious that people's birthday presents were generally given on their birthday- or at least near it.

DH told DS he was buying it then DS asked if he the plans were that he would get it as soon as it arrived or have to wait. DH said 'You'll have to ask your mother, but as far as I concerned you can have it now'. This is what annoyed me the most. He made the decision and backed me into a corner. I couldn't then be the mean mother who doesn't allow DS his PC.
So in a nutshell I'm annoyed because DH bought the PC too early for the birthday and then unilaterally decided to give it to DS 2 months before his birthday.
He says why wait and the desk is there so let him have it now.
Who is BU

OP posts:

BasiliskStare · 05/10/2021 03:24

I think the problem here is DH didn't discuss it with you - the actual fact of him getting the present early - not so much. At 16 he should be able to know he has his present early & there will be smaller things on birthday & at Christmas. I understand your point but I would not worry too much as long as Ds is mature enough to know he will get fewer presents later on. Frankly for my DS he tends to get things early if he needs them earlier ( so e.g. one year a laptop which was useful for college ) and then I just wrap up smaller things for under the tree.

tillytown · 05/10/2021 03:48

You're being unreasonable, it's for homework, let him use it for his homework. He is going to be 16 not 5, he won't throw a tantrum because he isn't getting another big present on his actual birthday

QueenBee52 · 05/10/2021 03:50

@tillytown

You're being unreasonable, it's for homework, let him use it for his homework. He is going to be 16 not 5, he won't throw a tantrum because he isn't getting another big present on his actual birthday

Oh you know this lad... sorry for a moment there I thought you were a random voice on the internet making a huge assumption 🤣

Kanaloa · 05/10/2021 04:31

Oh you know this lad... sorry for a moment there I thought you were a random voice on the internet making a huge assumption

Well if he’s 16 years of age and throwing a tantrum because he can’t understand that after receiving an expensive gift early he won’t be receiving more gifts, there’s more problems than the computer.

Nightbringer · 05/10/2021 05:16

Oh you know this lad... sorry for a moment there I thought you were a random voice on the internet making a huge assumption 🤣

Why would anyone assume a 16 year old would through a tantrum and not understand he got his 'big gift' early? I think its a safe assumption to think the 16 year old will be fine, since op hasn't even hinted that he wi have an issue with it.

Op, on this bit, I think you are both right and wrong here. You both just made assumptions. Not everyone has to have birthday presents actuly on their birthday, especially when it be helpful before then. And it will help ds in the next 2 months. Dh shouldn't have assumed that though, but then I don't think you should have assumed you would have the PC in the house, just sat there when ds could be using it.

I don't think either of yabu about any of it really. You have different points of view.

I don't really see the problem with dh saying if it was up to him, he could have it now. I get that you feel it should be talked out between the 2 of you. But, realistically, you only wanted to talk it through so ds got it at the time you think he should get it. That's not really talking it through. That's you making the decision.

If I were in the situation, I would be saying DS should have it now, like your dh has. But I would have mentioned it to dp before I mentioned it to ds. But if dp then said 'no' I wouldn't agree with him. So what do you do then?

This is one of those times you can't compromise. You both have different views. You don't want to seem like the 'bad guy' by saying no. But want both of you to appear as the 'bad guy' by saying he can't have it. When your dh doesn't agree.

You want to present an United front, but you aren't a United front on this issue.

junebirthdaygirl · 05/10/2021 05:22

It's done now so l wouldn't take any of the joy out of it by making a fuss. Sounds like ds is very excited about getting it so ye might as well enjoy that now and get a bit of a kick out of his happiness. It's not too easy to make a teen delighted so make the most of it as any negative stuff around it will rob that off him.
Just get him a game for it for birthday/ Christmas.
Sometimes we can overthink things and going spur of the moment is best.
I am sure he will remember getting it birthday or not ..it will be a special moment for him. Our grown up dc still love to talk about their first xbox pets as such a good present that they so wanted at the time.

lazyarse123 · 05/10/2021 05:23

And it's his sweet 16th as well! As well meaning as your DH is, he IBU in this instance.
Omg there's no such thing.

junebirthdaygirl · 05/10/2021 05:23

Not sure how pets got in there!!!

Orangejuicemarathoner · 05/10/2021 05:27

my son has already had his Christmas present. There was some sports equipment he needed and was going to skimp on, so I offered to buy him a far higher quality item, and for it to be his Christmas present.

We very often do that. I've never given it half a thought. Who cares what day the present actually arrives?

sashh · 05/10/2021 05:36

I'd let him have it now because it will help with his school work and school has only just started, schools may close again.

When I was about 7 and my brother was about 9 we got bikes for our birthdays, our birthdays are in the winter so we got them at the start of the school summer holiday.

Werehamster · 05/10/2021 05:39

I've done early gifts before. It's fine. You can still have cake and a nice meal or party or something on his birthday. I'm sure your son is thrilled, so that's what's most important.

Oblomov21 · 05/10/2021 05:41

I totally disagree with you. I don't see why big presents can't be given at any time. It's best for his homework to have it asap.

We bought Ds2 Fifa22 as soon as it was out, his birthday isn't for another 4 weeks, but the joy it's given already is so worth it.

Skippingabeat · 05/10/2021 05:51

What does your son want? He's 16 so I think he knows what would make him happier, and that's what's most important.

Aimee1987 · 05/10/2021 06:01

I'm with your husband. It's for school work and hes old enough to understand that's his present and not to expect another.

I got my first laptop as a joint birthday Christmas present for my 21st . I got it in September 3 months before christmas and 6 months before my birthday but I needed it for uni and I greatly appreciated my mum getting it for me regardless of the arbitrary day.

redtshirt50 · 05/10/2021 06:05

YABU

If I was in your son's position I would MUCH rather have the PC early - I wouldn't care about not having any big presents on my birthday.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/10/2021 06:20

This is a crucial year for your ds. If it helps him obtain his GCSE’s, fantastic. Your ds is old enough to understand he’s had his big present.

RantyAunty · 05/10/2021 06:21

Your DH should have checked with you first before blabbing about it.

Then decided together whether to give it early or not.

MadeOfStarStuff · 05/10/2021 06:26

He’s 16, he is old enough to understand that getting his present now means he won’t get it on his birthday.

chocolateorangeinhaler · 05/10/2021 06:31

Oh for goodness sake he is 16 not 6. Old enough to realize that he's had his present for this year. It's what you'd son wanted so YABU it's not about you.

MirandaBlu · 05/10/2021 06:44

It probably makes sense in this case to let him have it right away, if he doesn't have any computer and will use it for school. (And assuming he would have chosen to have it early if asked). Generally I agree with celebrating birtdays on the day, but you'll still do that just without a big present. And unless his birthday is ON Christmas, he wouldn't have been getting his gift for each on the exact day anyway.

BUT your husband should have discussed it with you and both of you told him together if you were giving it early, and why you were making an exception. As it stands, I'd let him have it now and talk privately with your husband about communication and joint decisions.

HeronLanyon · 05/10/2021 06:50

If he were quite a bit younger (say under 10) I’d agree he may miss out on the excitement of opening a big present on his birthday.
In these circs though I think it’s really sensible to give it to him early as his bedroom is being decorated and the desk and other devices being set up.

As he knew he was getting a pc it was obvious he would ask whether he would have to wait so it’s unfortunate you and your DH hadn’t actually talked about this beforehand just to avoid you both being out in the spot.
I don’t think you were ‘backed into a corner’ but it is odd your DH wasn’t able just to answer your ds ‘to tally up to you ds you can of course have it now but if you’d prefer you can wait and we’ll set it all up on your birthday’. Méharas the point in it sitting there at the start of a school term when he’ll need it ? He’s old enough to get something small on his birthday and understand. If he’s not then you’ve got problems !

Erictheavocado · 05/10/2021 07:28

It really wouldn't bother me. Your D's understands that this is a huge present and it is for Christmas and birthday. Personally, I would rather give the present a bit early and let him benefit from it now, rather than wait eight more weeks. When I've bought a new PC in the last, sometimes it has been a case of buy it when you see it, rather than waiting until the world and his wife are buying it at Christmas. And pcs are big items to store for those weeks between purchasing it and the birthday.

itsgettingwierd · 05/10/2021 07:33

As he knows he getting it and it's for birthday/Xmas I don't see early as an issue.

He knows the score and has agreed to it.

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 05/10/2021 07:45

Normally I would be saying they can wait however he will use the computer for his GCSE year (I also have a year 11 child) therefore I would get it now.

There are supply issues with computers and this will be exacerbated at Christmas when maybe more people will be buying so I would get it now.

My sons have always had presents in a strange way as there is not much of a gap between the dates. So I am not going to give one child a light sabre and make the other wait until their birthday. Equally I have held back a present until the second birthday so that it isn't all happening on the first birthday.

RedskyThisNight · 05/10/2021 07:47

Don't see the issue for a 16 year old and a present that will provide more "use" the earlier it is given (and like a PP, I'm wondering how he has been managing without a desk or a computer until now). At 16, I don't think he would have seen getting a computer as the thing that made his birthday "special" anyway (which would be most likely going out with friends).

If he was 4 and it was the latest must have toy, I'd agree that it should be kept until the actual day.

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