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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I overreacting to this, potential red flags?

38 replies

Wutheringheights2021 · 04/10/2021 19:25

Not sure if AIBU or relationships was the best place to post this as it's with relation to a new relationship and my reaction to something that just occurred.
I met a guy a short while ago, through a friend. He is very nice, attractive, respectful etc. I am a single parent and I also work full time, we've met up a few times, I will not bring him back to my property or go to his as my daughters safety comes first before anything, you just can't put your trust fully in someone these days.
Anyway, he is aware that in my line of work I cannot use my personal mobile phone, he went out with his friends over the weekend and got wasted, fine - that's his choice, he was texting me a load of drunk shit which I chose not to entertain. On Sunday I sent him a message just to ask how he was etc. He didn't reply, again fine - no issues, I'm not needy or need validation.
He choses to reply at 2.30pm this afternoon to tell me he was so wasted he spent the day in bed and then saw his family in the evening, completely fine, however I only saw this message after I finished work, I usually catch up with all of my messages after I sort DD out, put her to bed, sit down with my dinner, I have an hour on my phone normally just catching up. Whilst I am sorting out DD he sends me a text to say whatsapp is down but he's messaged me, and hopes I am ok. He knows I wouldn't have ever replied at 2.30p in the afternoon, and he is also aware that I message in the evenings just because I won't entertain using my phone in the one hour I have with DD after I have picked her up from childcare.
After his text he sends another text to ask if I am ok, then he rings.
I'm a bit put off to be honest, he is fully aware of my routine and when I take the time to message etc, it's completely up to him whether it suits him or not and if not then he can say goodbye to me.
Would this put you off?
I absolutely hate when people text and text again, I do take a while to reply, however it is all within the same day, I don't leave messages unread and never reply.
I'm just busy with life and he knows that.
Am I overreacting to be put off by this? - FWIW, I called him back just to say I was busy with DD but I would speak to him later and feel a bit like I've just given into him, I should have waited and until I was ready to reply to him instead of appeasing him.
What do you think?

OP posts:
BatshitBanshee · 04/10/2021 19:34

It's a lot of stress over messaging. If it doesn't suit you, sack it off. It does seem like you're over reacting a bit, it's just a message/phone call - up to you what you do with it and whether you reply of answer so I revert back to: if it's not working for you, sack it off.

It's not that big of a deal.

PippaOwl · 04/10/2021 19:48

Christ - all sounds like a big old fuss about not much. You're massively overthinking this.

He doesn't sound particularly mature and this stuff shouldn't be so complicated

Just end it

Razzlefrazzle · 04/10/2021 19:50

As it's a new relationship I think he may be worried he has offended you and is looking for reassurance. You said you texted on Sunday to see if he was ok. As he didn't reply because he was too hungover he may be worried and is now trying to make sure you are not mad at him. I think you are perhaps overthinking this if he hasn't come across as needy before

TractorAndHeadphones · 04/10/2021 19:52

What a nice gender reversal - it’s usually the woman with his problem. And may be why he was worried about what you thought.
Just reassure him and say you’re fine with slow texting back

SweetBabyCheeses99 · 04/10/2021 19:53

Yes of course you’re overreacting. He sounds sweet and like he was ensuring you weren’t annoyed at him. He’s obviously not that clingy! It’s not easy for a childfree person to empathise about quite how busy your home life as a single parent must be. Especially as he hasn’t been there and seen it first hand.

If I were you I’d be more likely to be wary that you might be at different stages in life/have different values. Of course it’s up to him if he wants a massive bender but it’s not really conducive to a future with you and your child is it.

RosaBaby2 · 04/10/2021 19:56

You just sound well, difficult.

Original poster
Wutheringheights2021 · 04/10/2021 19:57

I thought that too. He's the same age as me and is childless but he's always understood my caring responsibility comes first.. He's never asked to come to my house or anything. We meet up in my lunch breaks as he works near by.
I don't see marriage and further children with him and I agree we're at different stages in life.. I see it turning into more of a casual thing when I can get childcare!

OP posts:
CoRhona · 04/10/2021 19:58

Him telling you about WhatsApp - fine.

The rest is fine too but obviously doesn't match with your levels of communication so am guessing it won't work.

thepinknecklace · 04/10/2021 20:02

You sound like hard work.

Wilkolampshade · 04/10/2021 20:02

Yeah, I think YABU. It honestly sounds like he was just seeking a bit of reassurance. Why don't you overlook it this time, if it looks like a pattern of behaviour you don't like, then that's the end of it.

Original poster
Wutheringheights2021 · 04/10/2021 20:03

I think I agree with regards to communication levels. I'm happy with a couple of texts I don't need constant messages back and forth.

OP posts:
Squirrelblanket · 04/10/2021 20:05

There's a lot in your post about what you will 'not entertain' which makes you sound difficult and inflexible. I don't think he's done anything red-flag worthy but you are obviously not very well suited so I would end it.

pelosi · 04/10/2021 20:09

YANBU, I think you're right to keep your routine, and it will be good for you to see if he tries to step all over your boundaries.

I'd give him the benefit of the doubt this time, but tell him clearly that you will text him in your own time, and stick to it.

WhatsAppening · 04/10/2021 20:11

Weird and full of red flags.

You, not him.

pelosi · 04/10/2021 20:14

Why, for not jumping at his bidding?

People here are too attached to their phones, I admire OP for being able to ignore it in order to have quality time with her DD?

pelosi · 04/10/2021 20:14

stray ? mark there

BatshitBanshee · 04/10/2021 20:17

He's never asked to come to my house or anything. We meet up in my lunch breaks as he works near by.

Do you expect everything on your terms? It sounds all very your way or no way with no compromise.

You also sound like you're searching for a red flag so you can blame him when you end it.

I see it turning into more of a casual thing when I can get childcare!

I wouldn't bet on this ^ if you treat anyone like what you've said above.

Original poster
Wutheringheights2021 · 04/10/2021 20:27

So for context... I left a very, very abusive relationship a couple of years ago. So I am determined to be more mindful and also yes have things on my terms.. I didn't put this in the original op as I was interested in what people would say and not base their whole response on this information.. I will take being told I'm overreacting and I'm hard work etc, that's the point of these forums to get advice.

OP posts:
bridgeofslides · 04/10/2021 20:30

I don't think it's you that's the issue just that you and the chap are mismatched

pelosi · 04/10/2021 20:35

@BatshitBanshee

He's never asked to come to my house or anything. We meet up in my lunch breaks as he works near by.

Do you expect everything on your terms? It sounds all very your way or no way with no compromise.

You also sound like you're searching for a red flag so you can blame him when you end it.

I see it turning into more of a casual thing when I can get childcare!

I wouldn't bet on this ^ if you treat anyone like what you've said above.

How is the two of them meeting for lunch as they work near each other having everything on her terms?

I can’t believe this thread. A woman is rightfully putting her child above a man she’s been seeing for a short while and she’s being berated for it.

I can only surmise these people have very low expectations from men.

FlowerArranger · 04/10/2021 20:39

You sound just a little uptight, to be honest.

However, do you really want a guy who gets so wasted that he ends up texting a load of drunk shit and spends the entire next day in bed?

BatshitBanshee · 04/10/2021 20:40

Meeting on her lunch breaks. Not their lunch breaks. Big difference.

Put your child and your needs above anyone else obviously - but don't snap when someone doesn't strictly stick to your inflexible terms.

Recognise that you have non-negotiable terms but be OK with the fact others might not realise they're non-negotiable.

BeeTweep · 04/10/2021 20:45

He's got beer fear.

Starlightstarbright1 · 04/10/2021 20:51

There is nothing wrong with protecting that hour a day or not having him at your home...

However i would just silence.my phone for that time.

But it sounds like you don't want a serious relationship- your choice obviously but i think you need to be clear about this.

I don't see Red flags here

pelosi · 04/10/2021 20:54

@BatshitBanshee

Meeting on her lunch breaks. Not their lunch breaks. Big difference.

Put your child and your needs above anyone else obviously - but don't snap when someone doesn't strictly stick to your inflexible terms.

Recognise that you have non-negotiable terms but be OK with the fact others might not realise they're non-negotiable.

What on Earth are you on about? He’s working too so it’s his lunch break too Hmm
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