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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it because I'm white?

50 replies

alwaysleftout92 · 04/10/2021 18:26

Okay, this might be outing but what the hell.

I am white Albanian born Muslim and I am a practising Muslim. I wear hijab.
My husband is Pakistani. We have been married for 10 years with 3 children.
It was quite hard for his family to accept me in the beginning regardless of religion. but his mother and father soon became second parents to me.
His 8 Siblings have never liked me. Don't really bother with dh now much anymore, don't bother with my children and generally just don't care about us. But all is civil at family events.

One of my BIL is in a relationship with a girl from another ethnicity (not white) and another religion. they all love her . I know that specific brother is the golden child but they all love his girlfriend. Soon to be wife.

They invite her everywhere, speak so fondly of her, lie to the parents that she doesn't drink and party etc.

What the girl does, is not my problem, I don't care, my point is, I got ridiculed for years, because I might have been drinking/parting in the past (I never have) because I'm not Pakistani, yet his girlfriend openly drinks, parties etc but no-one bats an eyelid.

My husband thinks it's because they just don't like him, and he was always the odd one out growing up and didn't conform to obeying them all and that's resulted in me and my children automatically disregarded.

Aibu in to thinking it's because I'm Caucasian?

OP posts:

SharonasCorona · 04/10/2021 18:34

What ethnicity is she? You say she is also non-Pakistani then I doubt it's because you're white.

I'm British Pakistani and know quite a few mixed couples, and I truly do not care what race and religion they have married as long as they are good people and are happy.

It's more likely what your DH said about him being the the odd one out in the family.

The good thing is your MIL and FIL love you so you are clearly a lovely person.

Original poster

alwaysleftout92 · 04/10/2021 18:36

@SharonasCorona

What ethnicity is she? You say she is also non-Pakistani then I doubt it's because you're white.

I'm British Pakistani and know quite a few mixed couples, and I truly do not care what race and religion they have married as long as they are good people and are happy.

It's more likely what your DH said about him being the the odd one out in the family.

The good thing is your MIL and FIL love you so you are clearly a lovely person.

She's from Delhi

And yeah dh said as long as we have a nice relationship with his parents that's all that matters

OP posts:

Porcupineintherough · 04/10/2021 18:37

That might be part of it but I think your dh is most likely spot on - its their relationship with him which is at the root of it. He's the black sheep and you are the black sheep's wife.

Porfre · 04/10/2021 18:37

Sounds like it's more likely due to your husband being the odd one out.

PleasantFucker · 04/10/2021 18:40

It sounds like a typical case of favouritism, exactly what your DH said. It happens in my family too unfortunately.

Cocomarine · 04/10/2021 18:44

Racism is rife so I don’t want to be dismissive of that - but your husband’s explanation sounds complete in itself.

Sod ‘em! Eight siblings is far too many to be bothered with, so enjoy not having to 😉

SharonasCorona · 04/10/2021 18:51

She's from Delhi smile

In my experience there is a certain cachet in having a white Muslim sister in law so I think it's probably due to your DH's relationship with his family, but I can see why her being Asian too makes you think it's because you're white.

I assume she speaks Hindi, and your siblings-in-law speak Urdu? Those languages are quite similar so they will have that in common. Do they speak English with you? Are they from a city or rural area?

Original poster

alwaysleftout92 · 04/10/2021 18:53

@SharonasCorona

She's from Delhi smile

I assume she speaks Hindi, and your siblings-in-law speak Urdu? Those languages are quite similar so they will have that in common. Do they speak English with you? Are they from a city or rural area?

She only speaks English and I speak English and Urdu as I learnt it over the years.

I think it generally is favouritism the more I'm thinking now. It just hurts kinda.

Never mind! I didn't lose out not having close relations with uncles and aunts I guess

OP posts:

Macncheeseballs · 04/10/2021 18:55

Bloody hell they sound judgemental

SharonasCorona · 04/10/2021 18:56

I'm sorry, OP.

The only thing I can say is people do often realise they were wrong and one day I am sure they will try and get close to you.

When that happens, it will be up to you if you want to let them.

Cupcakeschocolate · 04/10/2021 19:11

I wouldn't think it was because you are white. I'm white, convert. Wear hijab. Husband is turkish/kurdish. I only speak Limited turkish and I have no problems with any family with regards to being liked. My experience is that a lot of Muslims like converts and white Muslims. I don't know why, but they think being lighter is special. Not all think this ofcourse. But those not from the UK in my experience

Kanaloa · 04/10/2021 19:16

I think it’s definitely more to do with the fact that your husband sounds like the family scapegoat, which has naturally extended to you and your kids. His brother is the perfect golden child and naturally that extends to his girlfriend.

They don’t sound like nice parents to your DH really but I don’t think it’s a race or religion issue here, more just typical family toxicity.

wigglerose · 04/10/2021 19:18

It sounds like it's your race and the fact that he's the black sheep. Little of column A and column B. Ignore it and rise above it, but obviously it stings and it's ok to be hurt by it.

Smashingspinster · 04/10/2021 19:19

I think in families there are stories that grow up about the 'bad' kid, or the screw up - sounds like your husband is the victim of that, and you are being affected by association. How absolutely awful for both of you, but heart breaking that he experiences this in his family - how sad that must have been growing up. I dont think it is your race as much as fucked up dynamics. I bet there are 1 or 2 siblings who are a team and who have picked him to bully and they are influencing the others.

EmeraldShamrock · 04/10/2021 19:21

They'll probably change towards her once they marry.
Did you treat you well before you got married.

Fatya · 04/10/2021 19:24

Unless I'm about to embarras myself with shoddy geography, I dont think 'caucasian' is the right term to use.

No idea re. his family though. There certainly could be an element of racism and, either way, its shit for you.

StoneofDestiny · 04/10/2021 19:27

Ask them if you are bothered, but if somebody had ridiculed me, I'd not spend a minute in their ignorant company.

toocold54 · 04/10/2021 19:27

I’d say your husband is right. He sounds like the black sheep in the family and anything he does is never right. It’s nothing personal to you.

Busybubbles · 04/10/2021 19:31

Could it be because Pakistani and Indian cultures are quite similar and therefore easier? Although this isn’t always the case! My family disliked me marrying a Pakistani man for cultural reasons.

But my gut does think it’s more to do with favouritism if I’m honest.

Sleeplessem · 04/10/2021 19:32

Hugs @alwaysleftout92 it is because you’re white. I’m in the exact same position. Yeah maybe there is some favouritism against BIL but largely I’m pretty confident race comes into play here.

My in laws are pakistani and simply do not recognise that some white people are Muslim. I’m white and Muslim, and they do not consider me muslim because ‘white people are Jews or Christians’… and there is no reasoning with this logic. I don’t know about your in laws but mine have some nasty preconceived notions about white people as a whole (gold diggers, no family values only pretend to be Muslim, taking all the nice Pakistani men, killing the culture, can’t cook, sluts and my personal fave all white people are infertile).

Most of the family don’t have the balls to say any of this to my face but it comes out, rumours are made up about me, gossip, it’s tedious but I’ve gone nc with them and it doesn’t bother me as much anymore, i figure dogs bark.

(Obviously I’m not saying this is all Pakistanis, i know way friendlier families, its just a small minority that think this way and unfortunately I married into them)

SmellyOldOwls · 04/10/2021 19:33

It sounds like they're just dicks. They're probably slagging her off behind her back too.

VladmirsPoutine · 04/10/2021 19:34

It might be but as pointed out your dh is probably right. In my experience a white person marrying into a family is generally better received than say a different ethnic minority marrying in iyswim.

Busybubbles · 04/10/2021 19:35

Actually sorry I’ve just seen that she’s also a different religion. So it must be favouritism. Sorry you’re experiencing this. If it’s not a genuine relationship I wouldn’t push it. I’d just focus on my relationship with my DP. Hope it all works out.

anon12345anon · 04/10/2021 19:36

Enjoy your family, and fuck the horrible ones off

Moonwatcher1234 · 04/10/2021 19:39

Hi OP, in my experience it would not be because you are white. I married into a fairly mixed family (although I am of Pakistani heritage) and have a white sister in law, along with SIL’s of other ethnicities. My traditional Asian in laws have totally accepted and embraced all of us. I find that that they treat us sister in laws according to how much they like the son they are married to. So, I’m sorry that you’re in this horrible s situation, but it sounds like a case of favouritism.

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