Is it because I'm white?

[alwaysleftout92]

Okay, this might be outing but what the hell.

I am white Albanian born Muslim and I am a practising Muslim. I wear hijab.
My husband is Pakistani. We have been married for 10 years with 3 children.
It was quite hard for his family to accept me in the beginning regardless of religion. but his mother and father soon became second parents to me.
His 8 Siblings have never liked me. Don't really bother with dh now much anymore, don't bother with my children and generally just don't care about us. But all is civil at family events.

One of my BIL is in a relationship with a girl from another ethnicity (not white) and another religion. they all love her . I know that specific brother is the golden child but they all love his girlfriend. Soon to be wife.

They invite her everywhere, speak so fondly of her, lie to the parents that she doesn't drink and party etc.

What the girl does, is not my problem, I don't care, my point is, I got ridiculed for years, because I might have been drinking/parting in the past (I never have) because I'm not Pakistani, yet his girlfriend openly drinks, parties etc but no-one bats an eyelid.

My husband thinks it's because they just don't like him, and he was always the odd one out growing up and didn't conform to obeying them all and that's resulted in me and my children automatically disregarded.

Aibu in to thinking it's because I'm Caucasian?

Fatya, 'Caucasian' ethnicity covers a lot of territory and Albania is very definitely in there, along with a lot more places much further East...

@Moonwatcher1234

Hi OP, in my experience it would not be because you are white. I married into a fairly mixed family (although I am of Pakistani heritage) and have a white sister in law, along with SIL’s of other ethnicities. My traditional Asian in laws have totally accepted and embraced all of us. I find that that they treat us sister in laws according to how much they like the son they are married to. So, I’m sorry that you’re in this horrible s situation, but it sounds like a case of favouritism.

@Moonwatcher1234 do you think regionality ‘back home’ or maybe social class/ education levels play a role here. I only ask because I’m a white muslim married to a Pakistani man and the amount of venom and bullying I’ve had to put up with is unreal. They’d deny it if called out on it but behind my back they’ve said all sort of horrid stuff due to my being white. I’ve always wondered why, because as we know it’s not an Islamic thing nor a universal Pakistani thing. It’s caused a great deal of hurt over the years

Fatya, 'Caucasian' ethnicity covers a lot of territory and Albania is very definitely in there, along with a lot more places much further East...
Unless you're from the US (which, for some bizarre reason, still uses it as a very outdated synonym for 'white'), it describes people from the Caucasus, which is a fairly small geographic area.

@Kanaloa

I think it’s definitely more to do with the fact that your husband sounds like the family scapegoat, which has naturally extended to you and your kids. His brother is the perfect golden child and naturally that extends to his girlfriend.

They don’t sound like nice parents to your DH really but I don’t think it’s a race or religion issue here, more just typical family toxicity.

We have this family dynamic (lots of siblings) all the same ethnicity. Poor scapegoat brother’s wife can’t do anything right

Is she perceived to be of a high caste?
It probably IS due to your husband though rather than you OP

Do you think it's because they think she will convert and that brings some kind of kudos

@Smashingspinster

I think in families there are stories that grow up about the 'bad' kid, or the screw up - sounds like your husband is the victim of that, and you are being affected by association. How absolutely awful for both of you, but heart breaking that he experiences this in his family - how sad that must have been growing up. I dont think it is your race as much as fucked up dynamics. I bet there are 1 or 2 siblings who are a team and who have picked him to bully and they are influencing the others.

This. I think it's exactly this

I’m the white Muslim sister-in-law in my husband’s non-white Muslim family. Despite years of baking them delicious desserts, living with and caring for the parents-in-law, and hosting family parties in their honour, most of them ignore me and my kids. My husband has no interest in his culture’s pop culture, apart from watching football with Arabic commentary, so as a family unit, we dont watch the same tv, listen to same music, etc as his siblings’ families. I cook some of my parents-in-law’s recipes in regular dinner rotation. My niece recently asked me, “So Aunty, since you’ve been married to my uncle for 20 years, did you learn to speak Arabic yet? Why don’t you watch the same tv shows as I do? “ My trump card in these situations is that my children are enrolled in Arabic for Native Speakers at school, while this niece and her sibling requested a special exemption to enroll in Arabic for Non-Natives. I fulfill my social duty with all of my in-laws, but I’ve learned to not go above-and-beyond unless they demonstrate similarly sympathetic efforts. One in-law has changed her behavior in the past 8 years and puts a lot of effort in developing a relationship with me and my kids.

I am the only white grandchild in my father’s non-white Muslim family, raised by my father’s parents as a fully-integrated member of their culture, yet one of my father’s sisters has always been jealous/ uncomfortable about my white face, and she has taught one of her daughters to always compete with me in dress/education/lifestyle. It’s tedious, but I’ve learned to emotionally distance myself from this aunt. The daughter is one of my closest friends since childhood, and she has learned to ignore her mother’s “advice”.

I have experienced direct racism at Islamic centres, Quranic Arabic/ Quran memorization classes, Muslim play-groups, and Muslim women’s study-groups due to being white, and I’ve learned to simply walk away from those people, situations, and classes.

Why is your DH the “black sheep” of the family? Is it because he has a history of dating white women/non Muslims and his family don’t approve? I think

I don't know any Albanians who wear the hijab (my DH is Albanian so know many!) is it unusual? Or are you Albanian kosovan?

@Mayhemmumma

I don't know any Albanians who wear the hijab (my DH is Albanian so know many!) is it unusual? Or are you Albanian kosovan?

I never did until when I met my husband in college. He never told me to put it on, but when we engaged, it felt right to take my religion more seriously for any future children we have

But OP - isn't wearing the hijab cultural rather than religious?

ah Yanbu it is probably because you’re white. I was the only white person at a job once where everyone else was from Pakistan. I didn’t last there long! But they loooved my Indian replacement 🙄

@StoneofDestiny

But OP - isn't wearing the hijab cultural rather than religious?

No, the majority of islamic scholars believe that wearing the hijab is fardh (or obligatory for Muslim women). How hijab looks obviously varies from culture to culture, same with the strictness with which it’s adopted/ enforced/ encouraged. (Saudi Arabia v Albania v Turkey) but the majority consensus is that it’s a religious must.

Is it right to believe the majority of Islamic scholars were/are men?

Hi sleeplessnem, that’s rubbish…so sorry you have to experience that. I think that’s a super interesting point and thinking about it, education is probably the key thing. My husbands family are all professional and educated people and there is no contradiction with that and the fact they are also traditional. They are civil and know not to make superficial judgments on people and certainly don’t single anyone out just because of their background.

The other thing is that with the really close knot families, sometimes they can close ranks on the perceived outsiders and that can happen with the DIL regardless of race, although obviously it can also happen on the basis of race. Whatever the reason, that is so rubbish and I really hope you realise it isn’t representative of the majority of pakistani families.

@StoneofDestiny

Is it right to believe the majority of Islamic scholars were/are men?

At least classical scholars yes, although it’s worth stating that a lot of women also hold the belief that the hijab is mandatory, it’s the status quo opinion.

I'm sorry op you are going through this. Tbh, I'm sure you have a lovely husband and dc and I think that's what matters. My friend was in a similar situation, she was a Bosnian Muslim and was never accepted by her Pakistani inlaws. Despite being Muslims, they didn't consider her from the same culture because she was from the Balkans and considered an outsider.

At least classical scholars yes, although it’s worth stating that a lot of women also hold the belief that the hijab is mandatory, it’s the status quo opinion

Yes, lots of women dare not challenge the status quo as determined by men.
One has to wonder why men in a number of religions always decide how women should dress and conduct themselves. If women are such a distraction to them, perhaps the men should wear blindfolds and take some lessons in self control.
It's utterly bizarre to see Muslim men in the UK dressed in western clothing with a wife or mother dressed in clothing more typical of the Middle East in the Middle Ages. Saw it all in the summer heatwave - the men in shorts and t shirts and the women head to toe (literally)in dark heavy clothing.

@StoneofDestiny id be careful here…you’re speaking like muslim women have no agency and it’s a little insulting actually.

Of course any male led narrative on how women ‘should’ behave, dress and act is irrefutably toxic BUT that extends both ways here… and it’s also a patriarchal ideal that women ‘should’ wear make up and dress in an ‘alluring manner’. We should celebrate diversity and how women chose to portray themselves ( we can pontificate to kingdom come about the fact that it’s not a ‘free choice’, but no choice truly is and that works both ways, the monologue from devil wears prada about ‘a pile of stuff’ springs to mind here, but I digress)

Many many Muslim women, myself included, dress modestly (interpret that however you will) because they believe it’s more freeing and liberating. For me this is particularly pertinent for swim attire and summer wear, the rhetoric behind summer bodies and beach bodies is beyond toxic- for many women choosing to cover up is removing themselves from this.

Also abayas, which are the long dresses that cover up head to toe are actually quite light and airy in the heat, one of the most comfy things to wear actually. When I was in the Middle East in the summer (45 degree heat) it was the only thing I could stand to wear.

@sleeplessem well said!

@StoneofDestiny
Practising Muslim men certainly do not walk around in shorts and tshirts.

[quote blueybingo]@sleeplessem well said![/quote]
Thanks @blueybingo bingo, always seems everyone is very concerned on speaking on behalf of the Muslim woman and telling her how she should dress. Really grinds my gears lol xx

Hey OP,

I would say yes. This is down to my own personal experience.
There is a hierarchy within the Muslim community and unfortunately white/Albanian/Bosnian Muslims are at the bottom of the pile
Racism is rife within the Muslim community.
Take it from me I've had personal experience of this. It's disgusting

Hi. I personally think it's to do with favoritism.

They would be very ignorant indeed if it is to do with skin colour and while it would be sad for you, you would be better off with that sort of ignorance in your life. Also your children's.
Count your lucky stars, they are not around to spout that kind of nonsense in front of your kids.