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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In laws post divorce

47 replies

Dramahater · 04/10/2021 13:54

First time posting.

In laws divorced last year (DH said they should have done it when he was a kid as they didn't get on, slept in different bedrooms for years after DH moved out etc) both seem happy enough and DH is okay.

We are expecting our first child due in a few months. I'm getting the impression that neither in law want to be in a room together despite being happy enough with their own lives.

I've said really they should look to get on as they'll be sharing childcare after my mat leave and I've said that I don't want to have to do 2 birthdays etc each year because they don't want to be in a room together.

I know I shouldn't get sad about it as it's their choice but they are the only grandparents my daughter will have as I disowned mine a long time ago.

Any advice on how to deal with divorced in-laws to ensure big events are civil and attended to by both?

OP posts:

Freddiefox · 04/10/2021 14:13

Give it time. People thaw over time. Invite both tell them the other is coming and leave up to them.

I hate my ex but he comes in my house if the dcs want to show him something. I can be civil.

MsVestibule · 04/10/2021 14:33

I'm getting the impression that neither in law want to be in a room together Where/who are you getting this impression from?

Unfortunately, you don't have any control over this. Re birthdays, christening etc, you choose a date for the party and invite them both. If one refuses to come, that's up to them 🤷‍♀️. Hopefully once the baby arrives, they'll thaw out a bit but honestly, it's not a problem that you can resolve.

ShuddaBeenMe · 04/10/2021 14:34

You don't get to tell them they have to get on

DowntonCrabby · 04/10/2021 14:37

@MsVestibule nails it. Don’t pander to them, change your plans or double your work with 2 birthday parties.

leakymcleakleak · 04/10/2021 14:40

I think all you can do is be reasonably respectful - e.g. I wouldn't expect them to drop by for a cuppa while the other one is there - but not pander: so 'This is the birthday party' and its up to them what to do. I'd maybe help avoid situations where its just the two of them

But, are they both sharing childcare for you? As in one does two days, the other does two days? That seems like it could be more a source of tension tbh. If they have different approaches, etc etc. But if they've been civil for decades, they'll probably get back there.

Original poster

Dramahater · 04/10/2021 14:52

Yes to be clear I don't want to hassle them as I get divorce is horrible. They didn't like each other before they chose to separate and think they were together as it was easier than separating.

Neither have spoke to the other since last summer and DH's father has openly said that he doesn't want to see his mum again.

DH is feeling the same we would like them to try to be civil for DD on those specific occasions like birthdays. It's not like we would expect them to be in a room for a coffee at the same time and so far have managed big events/xmasses without them being in the same room.

I have the intention of inviting both to Dad's birthday then leaving it up to them but it's making me sad to think that neither would turn up to make her day special if they thought the other one would be there as she doesn't have another set of grandparents.

In regards to childcare, post mat leave I'm working 4 days a week so both have agreed to do two days and will be at my house. I will be responsible for working out the days and communicating with them so they don't need to contact each other to sort it.

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 04/10/2021 14:59

Sorry but I think not only are you being unreasonable, you are also being ridiculous. You don't get to demand that two people get on!! It's up to them.

By all means have one birthday party, that's up to you, it's up to them if they come. I have two for my divorced parents, because they don't like each other; and I like them so it's never crossed my mind not to.

I would suggest you tread carefully with your demands. It sounds like you're going to be getting four free days childcare per week which you would be being incredibly lucky to get. It's not a boat if want to rock.

Outnumbered99 · 04/10/2021 15:01

They might have to alternate? one go one year one the next, if its really that bad. Hopefully time will thaw things a bit

MsVestibule · 04/10/2021 15:05

but it's making me sad to think that neither would turn up to make her day special if they thought the other one would be there

I really do get this - my DCs have only one set of grandparents too, but your DC won't understand for the first two or three years anyway. Also, if they're both looking after her two days every week, she'll build a great relationship with them independently of each other.

You'll soon have a beautiful baby taking over your life - please try to not worry about something that won't be a problem for at least three years. And who knows what the situation will be then!

Doidontimmm · 04/10/2021 15:17

Sorry but I wont want to be in the same room as my ex if/when my kids have kids! Your daughter won’t care, it will be normal for her, you are being very unreasonable.

gogohm · 04/10/2021 15:21

Don't pander to them, invite them both - if they can't spend 3 hours in each other's company it's pretty sad. I do joint events with exh

TellySavalashairbrush · 04/10/2021 15:25

I don't think you can dictate whether they need to make the effort at social gatherings involving your dc. I can't think of a worse atmosphere for any child than being stuck with two grandparents that hate each other. Like another poster suggested, one does birthday one year, one does the next. Its no big deal.

HeddaGarbled · 04/10/2021 15:26

You need to tread very carefully here. They are doing you a MASSIVE favour doing all that childcare. You need to keep them happy more than they need to keep you happy.

LittleMysSister · 04/10/2021 15:27

I agree with others above OP, sorry. It's not really your place to expect 2 exes to spend time together.

That said though, you don't know that they wouldn't put aside differences in order to attend special occasions like birthdays etc. They may very well be intending to do that anyway.

Quite honestly though, I'd rather have separate celebrations (if necessary) than ruin the day by forcing 2 people together who do not get along and have lots of emotional baggage. Especially if one/both end up meeting someone else in the future.

It doesn't need to mean 2 parties though? It's your daughter's birthday (or whatever), not her grandparents'. You can invite both and they choose whether to attend, or if this isn't feasible because they don't get on, you take turns with which one attends any actual party and the other comes the next day for a birthday lunch or something.

The childcare thing is immaterial - lots of people have both sides of grandparents doing childcare, and they often barely know each other at all, let alone get on.

Briony123 · 04/10/2021 15:30

The child won't mind if her grandparents are at her birthday or not. Once children are old enough to have birthdays then it's more about playing games with their friends than hugs from grandparents, who - in your case - they see every week anyway. Parents big up birthdays, children are really not that sentimental about them!

LittleMysSister · 04/10/2021 15:30

@gogohm

Don't pander to them, invite them both - if they can't spend 3 hours in each other's company it's pretty sad. I do joint events with exh

I honestly don't think it's sad, I think it's fair enough.

Sounds like they have stayed together long past when they truly wanted to, probably did a lot of it 'for the kids' etc and now they are finally free. I would not want to be forced back into that unhappy dynamic again due to the arrival or grandchildren.

Obviously OP can choose to invite everyone to the same event, which is her choice, but I would not be angry at someone for choosing to drop by on another day instead in order to avoid their ex.

Balonzette · 04/10/2021 15:33

They don't need to get on. They don't even need to be in the same room as each other. They can see your daughter on her birthday but just come ar different times or not speak to one another if they're there together.

TintinIsBack · 04/10/2021 15:35

Leave it to them and don’t try and force it. It’s not going to work.

As a child whose grand parents couldn’t be in the same room as each other, the best has been to see the pair of them separately. It kept everyone happy and as a child I got two of everything, Christmas celebration, birthdays etc…

In time, they might also mellow and be happy to see each other again. You need to remember though that the divorce might have been far from amicable and will have brought back many issues they had tried to bury. So, even if they had stayed together because it was easier, it doesn’t automatically mean they should be able to get in with each other for the sake of their son or grand daughter

Owlink · 04/10/2021 15:39

Can't they come to the party at different times? Grandad comes 1-3pm & grandma at 3.30 -5.30pm. A bit of time in between so they don't have to worry about meeting on the doorstep. It needn't be a big deal.

TrollsAreSaddos · 04/10/2021 15:40

OP, if I were you I wouldn’t bother getting involved and worrying about things that don’t actually matter that much. They are your husbands parents, if I were you, I’d let him deal with it.
It’s crazy that you are already giving this headspace. You haven’t even had your child yet.

Original poster

Dramahater · 04/10/2021 15:46

Thanks for the views everyone. I understand they are doing is a favour for childcare but from a household income point I don't need to go back to work was more just I love my job and then gives them that time each week to bond and build a relationship with their granddaughter whilst keeping weekends free. I'm also working from home permanently now so would be in the house whilst they watch DD when I'm in meetings etc.

I don't want to dictate they have to attend and would never force them to as at the end of the day it's a tricky situation with them including me and DH knowing things that they don't even realise we do.

I think I needed advice more on on what to say to them really and how to approach it but at the end of the day it's their decision. I know DD probably wouldn't care but coming from a small family myself with parents I didn't speak to/see I get the other side of it being a child who wanted the family there.

OP posts:

Doidontimmm · 04/10/2021 15:51

You obviously don’t understand the emotional turmoil of divorce, expecting them to be in the same room if they don’t want to will lead to upset. Especially as your child will not know any difference and if they do ask when old enough then broach it then.

LittleMysSister · 04/10/2021 16:01

I just don't think you need to speak to them about it really. It may not even end up being an issue.

Also, it won't be the same as it was for you as your DD will have a lovely relationship with each of them due to spending 2 days a week with both. I can understand your worries but it sounds like your own situation was very different.

BringPizza · 04/10/2021 16:02

Just have one party- one can come for the first half and the other for the second half. It would be unreasonable to expect you double up on every event ffs.

Noogar · 04/10/2021 16:09

@BringPizza

Just have one party- one can come for the first half and the other for the second half. It would be unreasonable to expect you double up on every event ffs.

I was about to suggest this. It can work really well as long as person who goes for the first half understands they have to leave on time.

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