Page 2 | In laws post divorce

Returnoftheowl · 04/10/2021 16:11

As a different spin on it...
They have divorced each other, which is then basically disowning each other. You mention you've disowned your parents.
How would you feel if your DH told you that he thought it was a good idea that you and your parents to get along, attend birthday parties together because that would be best for the baby?
Obviously we don't know why you've disowned your parents, there must be a back story, but nor do you know the ins and outs of their relationship before the divorce (and a lot of things get hidden from the children, even adult ones, about their parents relationship).

They are both doing you, separately, a massive favour by providing 4 days a week of regular childcare. Be very careful in deciding whether them not attending events together is the hill you wish to die on. One or other of them might feel backed into a corner if you force it and might pull out all together.

621CustardCream438 · 04/10/2021 16:13

“ I know I shouldn't get sad about it as it's their choice but they are the only grandparents my daughter will have as I disowned mine a long time ago.”

This stood out to me. You get to have your boundaries and not see members of your daughters family - presumably for reasons you believe are completely reasonable. Why can’t your in laws have the same consideration paid to them?

Blossomtoes · 04/10/2021 16:15

Very wise advice from @Returnoftheowl and @621CustardCream438. This isn’t your circus or your monkeys.

Notaroadrunner · 04/10/2021 16:21

I'm sure your inlaws will manage to celebrate your dc birthday on the day they mind them, be it just before or just after the actual birthday. They don't need to attend a party if it is going to cause tension. And they shouldn't be expected to suck it up and try to get along either - seems they've spent too long doing that already. We never expected grandparents to come for birthdays. We might have had a couple of neighbours in with their kids and then, once kids started school, parties were all about friends. Then when visiting grandparents around the time of the birthday my mum would have a cake and we'd sing happy birthday. You're overthinking this.

Original poster

Dramahater · 04/10/2021 16:21

Yes my reasons for not speaking to my parents are justified through the courts as a child when I made the decision and social services were involved. I am giving them the choice of course I just don't know how to approach it really. DH feels the same but he unfortunately can't deal with difficult conversations and doesn't deal well with emotions especially when it comes to his parents but confides in me about how he feels. This stems from his dad being regimental from being in the army and not showing DH emotions growing up. It's difficult but I'll probably leave them to it, tell them the date of the event if they don't turn up then it's their choice, it's just come up on the back of a discussion with DH.

The funny thing is other family members don't talk to each other and MIL has openly told them to let bygons be bygons as it's water under the bridge yet won't when it comes to FIL.

OP posts:

TintinIsBack · 04/10/2021 16:23

Seriously @Dramahater, just treat it as of they were from both side of the family, eg as if MIL was your mum and FIL was your DH’s dad.

As a family we’ve rarely had big events like b’days etc… with both sides of the family. You dont have to have both of them there together, say anything particular or anything like this. Just enjoy their company separately

TrollsAreSaddos · 04/10/2021 16:23

but it's making me sad to think that neither would turn up to make her day special if they thought the other one would be there

It would only matter to your daughter if you make her think it matters. Just tell her one of them can’t make it until the evening or next day. It literally doesn’t matter and it’s not going to mean her birthday isn’t ‘special’. She will not care. I’ll forgive you for being overly sentimental though as you are pregnant 😅😂😅😂

I wouldn’t have a discussion about it or say anything. Leave it to your husband.

Original poster

Dramahater · 04/10/2021 16:27

@TrollsAreSaddos that's exactly it, probably the hormones and wanting everything perfect for DD.

At the time I probably won't even give a monkeys about it as I'll be too tired to care :D

OP posts:

TheOrigRights · 04/10/2021 16:30

IMO your DD will forge a better relationship with her grandparents if they feel relaxed and happy, NOT if they feel they are putting on a facade.

She will gain more from time and love under any situation rather than a party where the grandparents feel awkward.

NoSquirrels · 04/10/2021 16:36

Honestly, OP, this is just one of those things that will work itself out over time.

I’d be more focused on how the GPs deal with childcare, TBH. That sounds like it’s got more potential for trickyness for you and DH than ‘events’ which are at least just once a year/every so often.

HappyDays101010 · 04/10/2021 16:44

both have agreed to do two days and will be at my house

I would be careful to have a back up plan in case this doesn't work out.

SuperCaliFragalistic · 04/10/2021 16:46

Woah! I think you are way overthinking this and getting too far ahead of yourself. Slow down. You haven't even had the baby yet you're already sad that 2 people may not be at their 1st birthday?? The GPs may find they rub along OK as time passes - that's what's happened with my divorced parents or they may not. You can't start worrying about it at this stage. You are also expecting a lot of childcare from them at this early stage - which they might change their minds about. I think talk to your DP and get some perspective.

Original poster

Dramahater · 04/10/2021 17:06

Yea probably over thinking. It was DH who started the conversation as he was worried how to approach it. They've jumped at the chance of childcare tbh, DH is only child and this is their first grandchild. They've been asking when we were having children for the last 8+ years and have already handed in their notice to retire at the prospect of spending time each week with DD :) neither of them have other commitments/hobbies so they're both separately looking forward to it.

OP posts:

GrandmasCat · 04/10/2021 17:16

Honestly, invite both, leave it in their hands whether they want to show up and remember… babies and toddlers don’t care about parties or who attends, si this doesn’t need to be an issue unless you make it one.

2bazookas · 04/10/2021 17:32

Give them some practice runs at your place; invite both over for tea with their grand daughter. Be perfectly upfront that you want your child to feel completely comfortable when both GP's are present , because they are going to be sharing her care, handovers when arrangements have to be jiggled etc. If either of them can't manage that, you will have to reconsider child care.

coconutpie · 04/10/2021 19:38

@Dramahater

Yes my reasons for not speaking to my parents are justified through the courts as a child when I made the decision and social services were involved. I am giving them the choice of course I just don't know how to approach it really. DH feels the same but he unfortunately can't deal with difficult conversations and doesn't deal well with emotions especially when it comes to his parents but confides in me about how he feels. This stems from his dad being regimental from being in the army and not showing DH emotions growing up. It's difficult but I'll probably leave them to it, tell them the date of the event if they don't turn up then it's their choice, it's just come up on the back of a discussion with DH.

The funny thing is other family members don't talk to each other and MIL has openly told them to let bygons be bygons as it's water under the bridge yet won't when it comes to FIL.

So your DH has issues from his dad being regimental while he was growing up, yet is happy for his dad to provide childcare to his DC 2 days a week? This doesn't sound like a good idea tbh.

Wimblingwombling · 04/10/2021 19:42

I don’t understand how this has become about you! The poor couple are going through a divorce and you’re imposing demands on how they should behave etc in the future. Don’t get involved, give them space and let them deal with it how they want to

LittleMysSister · 05/10/2021 10:22

@2bazookas

Give them some practice runs at your place; invite both over for tea with their grand daughter. Be perfectly upfront that you want your child to feel completely comfortable when both GP's are present , because they are going to be sharing her care, handovers when arrangements have to be jiggled etc. If either of them can't manage that, you will have to reconsider child care.

Why would they be handing their grandchild over to each other though? Presumably they will both pick her up/give her back to OP and their son.

And presumably they could hand her over to each other with no fuss if it was required, doesn't mean they need to spend her birthdays/special occasions together.

I really don't think it's fair to try and manipulate them into spending time together just because ideally it would be nicer for their granddaughter if they were still together. Tbh in their shoes it would put me off helping with childcare if I felt that my involvement in that meant that my son and DIL would be trying to push me to spend time with my ex.

Couldhavebeenme3 · 05/10/2021 13:33

Give it time

Ha, my parents have been divorced over 35 years (I now have adult dc) and have only been to two events under the same roof - mine and my siblings weddings. It's mostly my mum who is the one who can't/won't be civil, so she's been given the choice to attend other events or not. Naturally Christmases have alternated with the dc, that's always been the way. If they can't be civil they'll miss out, dc just accepted it and have never questioned it.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/10/2021 13:40

I've said really they should look to get on as they'll be sharing childcare after my mat leave and I've said that I don't want to have to do 2 birthdays etc each year because they don't want to be in a room together.

You've got some cheek, honestly. You missed the memo explaining this is not all about you. How they decide to get along, or not, is none of your business. Nobody is forcing you to have two birthday parties.

WoodchipNightmares · 05/10/2021 13:44

They need time. When my own parents divorced, 25 years ago, things were fairly ugly.

They have now, for many years, been entirely civil with each other, and DM has even had a good relationship with DF's parents. A year after the divorce they still hated each others guts.

People soften over time. Forcing things now will set them up for failure in the short, medium and long term.

QueenBee52 · 05/10/2021 13:47

@Aquamarine1029

I've said really they should look to get on as they'll be sharing childcare after my mat leave and I've said that I don't want to have to do 2 birthdays etc each year because they don't want to be in a room together.

You've got some cheek, honestly. You missed the memo explaining this is not all about you. How they decide to get along, or not, is none of your business. Nobody is forcing you to have two birthday parties.

agreed 🤣😂

this Thread is madness 😂