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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do you trust your ex partners new girlfriend?

42 replies

squidgames2021 · 04/10/2021 11:15

If you’re friends with your ex partners new girlfriend or you get on with her, do you trust her? I’m asking because I’ve recently met his girlfriend, her daughter just started reception at the school, so we met there and talk. First time I met her I said hi and gave her a hug just telling her how nice it was to finally meet her, and we spoke for a bit. Next day ex texting me saying “oh so you like giving hugs now” as a joke so obviously she must have told him which is fine cuz it was our first meeting.

But since then we see each other everyday day and sometimes take the kids to the park after school, we spoke for an hour there and I try to avoid speaking about ex, and just keep the conversation light but she made a joke about ex being a hoarder and she can’t keep up with the housework which we both laughed at.

Then again next day ex texted me saying” oh so you’re trying to be friends “ I know it’s a joke but I have a feeling it makes him uncomfortable that we talk. And I just don’t understand her need to go home to ex and tell him every time she talks to me. I will never trust her, hence why I keep conversations light and only talk about things I don’t mind her/him knowing but I just find it weird she has this need to report to ex every time she talks to me .

OP posts:

Inthesameboatatmo · 04/10/2021 11:18

I wouldnt have so many dealings with her to be honest, I would've kept the first meeting short and sweet and in future I wouldve only had brief exchanges.
Why do you both need to be so chummy ?

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 04/10/2021 11:18

It sounds like it's your ex who has a problem?

I would probably go home and say oh I saw X today. That's a normal thing to do isn't it? It's your ex texting you that's not normal!

To answer your question no dps ex probably doesn't "trust" me but I have nothing to do with her because she is a nasty piece of work.

SunshineCake1 · 04/10/2021 11:23

Don't see how either of those texts were a joke. He's letting you know she's telling him everything.

Hugging is weird in this scenario.

Original poster

squidgames2021 · 04/10/2021 11:34

Yes I know he's letting me know she's telling him everything, I never intended to share anything personal with her. It's hard to have "brief exchanges" with her because I have to pick up my DS where she lives with ex, their flat is opposite his school so we walk there together which takes about 7-10 min, what am I suppose to do then? Stay silent? Our children are very close, and her daughter asked last week if she could stay at our house after school she couldn't her mum had to do something but I know it's going to come up again.

OP posts:

BakingOfTheFoodCats · 04/10/2021 11:37

Why are you trying to be friends with your exes new girlfriend 😕

LukeEvansWife · 04/10/2021 11:40

Why would you hug someone you have just met? Perhaps she was creeped out by that.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 04/10/2021 11:43

@squidgames2021

Pick him up at a different time or just don't walk with her?

Her child can come to your house if you're both okay with that without you having to be pally with her?

flipflopping · 04/10/2021 11:43

Do you and your ex have children together? If so, I think making an effort is a good idea although don't say anything to her you wouldn't say to your ex.

If not, I would back off.

Original poster

squidgames2021 · 04/10/2021 12:30

How am I trying to be friends with her? I can't just ignore her at the school run? Yes I've thought about picking him up later tbh

OP posts:

BakingOfTheFoodCats · 04/10/2021 12:31

Hugging her when you meet, which is very odd, meeting up at the park, I mean I would keep it as a quick hello and bye, he probably doesn’t like it which I can understand tbh I wouldn’t like it if my ex started trying to befriend my new boyfriend!

astoundedgoat · 04/10/2021 12:35

I don't understand - do you and your ex have children together?

It's neither here nor there whether your "trust" her, unless she is likely to be your child's stepmother, in which case having a positive acquaintance with her is nice.

I would defintely avoid pally conversations about your ex with her like the PLAGUE though. I would personally hate it if my husband and ex boyfriend were chatting about my domestic foibles. It's really invasive. Also the fact that she is going back to him and repeating it all to him is unhelpful.

Of course you can carry on with your routine and say hello to her, but I wouldn't be bosom buddies.

AryaStarkWolf · 04/10/2021 12:39

I like my exes wife (more than I like him actually) and get on well with her whenever we're in each other's company (at events involving mine and my exes DD) but I wouldn't go out of my way to socialise with her because it would be a bit strange tbh

mrsbitaly · 04/10/2021 12:40

I think she just sounds happy that your getting along and she's feeding that back to him. I think it's actually really nice and fantastic that you're getting along. You are right in knowing your boundaries though and i would continue with light talk and nothing personal. If he messages again just ask him outright if its making him uncomfortable then it's on him if he doesn't like it and he will have to tell her that.

It's refreshing your getting along I do with my stepsons mother she is lovely but I wouldn't talk about personal stuff.

You here so many horrible stories of separated families getting on this will make your child/rens life much easier.

Well done you for being receptive to getting on.

YourFinestPantaloons · 04/10/2021 12:43

I think it sounds like you're making her uncomfortable- why on Earth did you hug her??!!

I drew a very solid line when I split with exH that I don't want us involved in each other's personal lives, we communicate only when we have to about the children. The kids have met 3 girlfriends in 3 years. None of my business really( it in terms of trust - well, I chose to have kids with exH, he was a shit husband but I do trust his judgements when it comes to the kids (well I sort of have to!). So I trust he picks good women to meet our children. I've never met any of them, don't want to, and never had cause to complain.

YourFinestPantaloons · 04/10/2021 12:44

@squidgames2021

Her mum didn't have to do something at all, she is not comfortable with this bloody weird dynamic and you need to respect that.

There really is a lot to be said for having a clean break and not trying to do the whole happy blended family together thing

Riada · 04/10/2021 12:44

There's absolutely no need for hugs and hour-long conversations and to accompany one another on the school run - if your and you have a child together for whom this woman is a potential stepmother, then a civil relationship is obviously good, but I think you have a weirdly blurry sense of normal boundaries. No one is asking you to 'trust' her, and why wouldn't she tell your ex/her boyfriend about your interactions? He's her significant other, and you're someone who's only of interest, presumably, because of your former relationship with him.

amylou8 · 04/10/2021 13:09

I can't see a problem with you chatting to her if you get on. Just be a bit guarded, remember her loyalties will be to him and don't have any conversations with her that you don't want getting back to him. I wouldn't take it any further than a causal school mums friendship. He'll hate it as he'll assume he's the topic of conversation.

fruitbrewhaha · 04/10/2021 13:12

Why did you go to the park with her? What do you mean trust her? Trust her not to interfere in raising your children or trust her to keep your secrets from her partner?

You say you can't avoid each other but you didn't have to do that. I expect she is just being polite.

Rinoachicken · 04/10/2021 13:20

Is she ‘feeding back’ to him or is he questioning her and she doesn’t feel able to tell him to mind his own business?

BakingOfTheFoodCats · 04/10/2021 13:23

@Rinoachicken

Is she ‘feeding back’ to him or is he questioning her and she doesn’t feel able to tell him to mind his own business?

Erm I imagine most people wouldn’t like it if there new partner was becoming friends with their ex and meeting up! I would want to know what was said as well! It’s fine for him to ask.

Noogar · 04/10/2021 13:29

First time I met her I said hi and gave her a hug just telling her how nice it was to finally meet her

I would be so freaked out if DH's ex hugged me. You're way OTT she probably went back to him and was like WTF!

How did going to the park happen did you both happen to be going there? Did she ask?

I think you need to try and keep your distance from her and stop weirding her out. Then she won't tell your ex and he won't message you.

MissJeanBrodiesprime · 04/10/2021 13:38

Your question of whether to trust her - trust her with what exactly? Trust her not to tell your ex everything? Well you’ve answered that yourself. And she obviously finds your hugging OTT. Distance yourself, I think she’s not comfortable with you.

ashmts · 04/10/2021 13:44

Such a weird thread. I've never met my ex-partner's new girlfriend (now wife) and never will as I have no contact with him. It didn't end badly, it just ended, so why are you still in touch? Unless DS is his son, in which case I'd assume you'd have met before her daughter started at school. Honestly I think you're giving this too much headspace. Weird that you say you will never trust her. With what?!

Original poster

squidgames2021 · 04/10/2021 13:54

I'm a hugger, so it came natural to me maybe I shouldn't have hugged her I don't know. To be honest, I was just happy to finally meet her, she's been in a relationship with my ex DH for 2 years and this was the first time I met her.

I didn't ask her to come to the park with us, the park is next to the school and where she lives so when I picked my DS up the kids asked if they could go to the park, since they always go there when their dad picks them up and she just came along. I didn't ask her, she could have gone home with her daughter.

I can't imagine he's asking her everyday when she comes home if she's met me, I just think it's more her coming home and telling him oh I met her today and we spoke about xyz. I don't want to be friends with her tbh, and I don't want her to use me as a shoulder to cry on one day cuz we spoke about our jobs and I asked her if she likes what she does, and she said yes "but what I don't like is coming home after a long day and the house is a tip.." he doesn't work and is home all day so she's obviously dealing with the same stuff as I was dealing with when he was living with me.

I don't want her sharing all her problems with him and then I get accused of being a part of their relationship breaking down if it happens. He is just the type to blame anyone but himself, so I just think it's best to distance myself from her and minimise our interactions. My kids will be going to breakfast club starting next week because of my work, and after school clubs so I won't see her anyway.

Tbh I'm just trying to be nice, she has been in a relationship with their father for 2 years and I just think it's nice for children to see us get along.

OP posts:

Original poster

squidgames2021 · 04/10/2021 13:57

The reason why I asked about trust, is because I know there are women on MN who are friends with their ex partners new girlfriend to the point where they do stuff together, so I was just curious as to how that worked. And If they trust them and see them as a genuine friend. In my case it will never be like that, I can't imagine being besties with her. Will always keep her at arms length tbh and just be civil. And that will also make him happy

OP posts:

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